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Post by luke2231 on Oct 18, 2016 6:15:49 GMT
HurtMom, I'm so sorry that today (yesterday?) was a tough day. What Poodlegirl said was on the money - the Psalms are so soothing and a cry for His presence when He seems so far removed from your pain and doubt. Sometimes too, when even that's too hard, I'll listen to some Christian worship music. There's something about singing along to some of the songs that releases whatever tensions I may have. A lot of times I cry as I sing, but it gets me over that hump just enough that I can see His goodness and faithfulness - still - in my life.
But also check out Dr. Coleman. Not everything he says I agree with, but a big thing for me that he suggests is engaging in positive self-talk. In other words, tell yourself - or write it down and carry it with you - all the ways you were/are a good parent. Because the fact of the matter is, you WERE, and still ARE. You have to keep a constant dialogue reminding yourself that in reality, this estrangement has more to do with your daughter's own feelings of inadequacy than it has to do with YOU. It really is all about her, not you. So keep reminding yourself of that and all the ways you took care of her, sacrificed for her, etc... In the absence of being able to love and care for her, make sure you have compassion and love for yourself.
Keep us posted. We're here for you.
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Post by lindajoan on Oct 18, 2016 11:37:46 GMT
There has been such good advice shared. It is full of caring and understanding. Estrangement does affect us on every level. It seems what used to be easier is more difficult. It has a lot to do with our nerves being affected as you said hurtmom. The enemy uses that in our lives to cause us to be more anxious.
I have found that we need the Lord even more. I am so thankful for the support,here,that we can bring to one another. Keeping each of you in prayer.
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Post by 1hurtmom on Oct 19, 2016 2:00:28 GMT
Thank you everyone for the kind words and support. I appreciate it more than you will ever know. These few days have been really rough like never before. I had so much anxiety I lost it and flipped out on the phone to some stranger over something I normally could handle peacefully. It's as if I can't take it anymore being treated badly even if it's a small thing by anyone. I feel like I am having to defend myself all the time. It's horrible.
Everything was intense and I kept crying over everything. I go through cycles of sadness, anger, depression, loneliness and more. Then I snap out of it and realize my kid isn’t missing me so move on then it happens all over again a few months later.
I don’t think I can do this for another 6 years. When will this ever end? How do you enjoy your life always going through these cycles? I feel like I am a basket case. Before the estrangement I was happy, easy going, fun and nice. Now I don’t even know who I am anymore.
All I know if chocolate has become my friend and that doesn’t help either. LOL
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Post by lindajoan on Oct 19, 2016 3:06:26 GMT
You are so right. We can not keep on doing this. Our constant prayer must be that we will give this burden to the Lord. Only He can get us through it. It is too much for us. Estrangement drives us to our knees and closer to Jesus. Only He can change our EC. We must fight for the joy that only the Lord can bring.
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Post by difficulttime2 on Oct 19, 2016 5:07:32 GMT
1hurtmom: okay, I'm going to give you some practical advice, just my 2 cents really ... I understand where you are at, my ED called the police on me over 6 years ago, told them we 'harrassed her' day and night ... all COMPLETE AND TOTAL LIES ... and if we EVER contacted her again (all this thru the police, that she would take a restraining order out.) I'm only saying this about me, so that you understand that I understand where you're at, and understand the pain. My daughter also has 2 precious babies ... both of which she has not allowed us to speak to, etc... so I get it...
In my experience, the grief is so deep that (at least in my case) my health was the last thing on my mind or on my priority list... As a result, I gained a whole lot of weight, discovered a major thyroid problem a couple of years later than it should have been ... so much so that I could barely get out of bed! The depression, yes ... chronic pain and let a stage 2 uterine cancer go undiagnosed because I was ignoring the symptoms....
Severe malnutrition as a result of not taking care of myself, not being able to absorb anything anymore ... led to more depression and so on ....
I would bet that most of us who have gone through this TRAUMA we call estrangement have all sorts of nutritional deficiencies which only add to our depression and grief and we get caught up in this vicious cycle.
My first advice would be to go get a thorough check up and spend some time online researching for yourself your symptoms. Taking a little B12, B16, Folic Acid, and a good multi may go a long way with helping you COPE for starters....
Second, go get a bottle of Passion Flower Tincture ... all natural, recommended by Dr. Oz and helpful with anxiety. (Of course check out with your doctor before taking anything new)....
Third, get some funny videos, dvds, or whatever you like ... laughter is good medicine....
and last, but not least ... spend time WORSHIPING God ... you know, this is the last thing even we as believers want to do ... but you know, it is impossible to be sad when you are actively WORSHIPING ... whether it's listening and singing to God with a favorite CD ... reading favorite verses out loud to the Lord or just crying out to Him ... Active worship every day has been my saving grace, it really has....
and finally, you need to BELIEVE that your happiness is NOT dependent on whether your EC is in your life. It's YOU AND GOD ... remember Paul sitting in jail in the Bible ... and he learned to be content in whatever situation .... It takes practice, but with His help you can be happy again, you really can.... Hang in there and just take one step at a time in taking care of YOU! "Makes the most of all that comes, and the least of all that goes." Hang in there! BIG HUG TO YOU ... it will get better, little by little, just take each moment as it comes...
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Post by wonderbugg on Oct 19, 2016 17:19:54 GMT
I just wrote a longer reply and my ipad lost it. Sigh.... But yes. It is very normal to feel that way. Thats why we need each other.
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Post by 1hurtmom on Oct 20, 2016 23:58:04 GMT
Everyone, Thank you everyone today was a much better day--the prayers are working. Plus I got sleep finally and took some work load off my plate. I understand difficulttime2 about what your child did to you about the police. Same thing happened to me with the police etc. It amazes me that we can raise good christian children and they can turn at the flip of a hat and make up lies about us. It's nuts. I take several vitamins and magnesium to help me relax but I will get some of the passion flower tincture. I was actually reading about that last week. I appreciate everyone thank you.!!
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Post by difficulttime2 on Oct 23, 2016 4:23:20 GMT
1hurtmom: I remember years ago reading in the Bible about the 'last days' where it says their 'love will grow cold.' I never could have imagined that it would hit so close to home either. Thank God He is sufficient to get us through! Glad you take the vitamins, etc., and got some sleep. It is so important when we are going thru this rejection. Hang in there!
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Post by 1hurtmom on Oct 24, 2016 15:19:09 GMT
difficulttitme2 I thought that too.
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Post by bythestreams on Oct 24, 2016 20:55:22 GMT
I have been hit with all those things you said were happening to you. I m so sorry for you as well as all of us. However, I do believe God has allowed us to have "this trial" for a good reason. It could be a number of other awful trials but this has been ours to overcome. He called us to be overcomers so we have to learn how. We are responsible to persevere to the end. I believe like others have said is the WORD is the best tool. Getting to know the Lord more and more and how much He loves us is so important. He is the lover of "our souls"... and no one can touch that. Our children have hurt us so deeply but they cant touch our souls and God wants us to learn how much HE really does love us. Thats so hard to comprehend to me meaning I have a long long way to go but I do believe its exciting and a journey like none other. Some of the other helpful hints that has helped me is I exercise every morning at least 10 minutes. I watch a show on daystar called Reflections and its verses and beautiful scenes all over the world. I still cry some and thats healthy too. My heart for others has enlarged and for that I can see is one of the things the Lord is doing FOR ME. I give myself permission to grieve because as I have read this is one of the hardest trials out there, even death some say is much easier. Had a lady say to me at church the other day "your face is in such a glow". I broke down in tears to say of my estrangement but later I was so thrilled that someone would see a glow?? oh my, no, thats the Lords glow not mine. He is good and He is faithful my sister. I think it just takes time time time for Him to do His work. We are privileged to persevere for Him. Do I like it?? oh I get so weary but in the end its all gonna be worth it. I believe we are gonna be used more for His kingdom because of this. Oh Lord give us the strength to carry on and hold our heads up high in Your Integrity not our own. Praise Him
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Post by lindajoan on Oct 24, 2016 21:01:36 GMT
Very beautifully said. Thank you.
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Post by byhisgracealone on Oct 24, 2016 22:15:20 GMT
How beautifully wise and mature in The Lord your response is bythestreams. Thankyou so much for your encouragement. I also feel we will be rewarded in Glory for this trial we endure.
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Post by luke2231 on Oct 24, 2016 22:44:06 GMT
Bythestreams, I never really correlated the waning of our children's love to an overwhelming outpouring of His love for us (if we pay attention and recognize it). But it makes so much sense! What a wonderful thought to hold onto - it blessed me immensely! <3
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Post by 1hurtmom on Oct 25, 2016 0:24:09 GMT
bythestreams Thank you for the encouragement but how about we ask God for our rewards now please! I can't wait any longer:) LOL
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Post by 1hurtmom on Nov 10, 2016 12:52:42 GMT
I wanted to post an update and thought I would continue on this thread. I took the advice of others and wanted to share what I learned these past few days.
1. It's OK to grieve for my child, she is lost. 2. It's OK to say I am hurting. 3. It's Ok to accept that I was a good mother. Not perfect - but good. 4. It's OK to weep for my child. I miss her. 5. It's OK to talk about my estrangement. It is very hard. 6. It's OK to try and be happy during this trial. 7. It's OK to be me. I am not defective bc my child ignores me. 8. It's OK to be angry. I am being charged for a crime I never committed. 9. It's OK to go on. I have to in order to survive. 10. It's OK to accept what I can't control. We all have a free will to make our own choices in life.
Those are a few things I am learning along the way. My feelings do count and I do have a voice.
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