|
Post by 1hurtmom on Oct 12, 2016 2:41:42 GMT
I was wondering as I am new if anyone has experienced some of the symptoms I have since my child has walked out of my life 6 yrs ago. No contact.... I have a hard time sleeping, I eat randomly over or under, things that normally didn't stress me out do now, I am not happy like I once was, I can't find peace in the things that use to work like pray, church etc. I feel like I walk around with a scarlet letter on my chest saying loser bc I couldn't keep my kid happy enough to want to be in my life. It effects my marriage, my work, my relationships and everything else. It sucks.... I have a hard time working and concentrating. Nothing works and I have tried medicine, herbs, prayer etc but as many of you know there is no support in a church for estrangement at least not where I live. I can't talk to people bc they think oh just pick up the phone go see her no big deal. Well I tried and tried I prayed, cried, begged you name it no contact 6 years later. So how do you cope with everyday stress? I seem like I cant handle it like I use to. I think that this estrangement had caused me irreversible damage in my psyche or something. Does anyone relate? Any advice? Thanks for listening. Read more: lookingforgodshelp.freeforums.net/thread/47/new?page=2#ixzz4Mpp7SW4m
|
|
|
Post by autumnwind on Oct 12, 2016 4:05:04 GMT
Oh 1hurtmom, I am so sorry you are going thru this. Most of us here, know so well the pain of what you are walking thru. Just remember that God is in control. He is working on your childs behalf and yours, you just cant see it now. You have to keep the faith. Try not to be so hard on yourself. I do not think you would be on this site if you were not a good mother. Keep reading your bible and praying. There are some wonderful women on this site that are very wise, and will be offering words of encouragement. Come here as often as you need to. I too went thru terrible bouts of depression and sad to say suicidal thoughts. It is like part of you missing, they hold your heart. I got thru it by coming here, and throwing myself at God. He did pick me up, and I am better. I will pray for you.
|
|
|
Post by 1hurtmom on Oct 12, 2016 10:41:14 GMT
Autumnwind Thank you. It's as if my life has been put on pause since the estrangement. I have known the lord many years and I know he is able but when a heart hurts a heart hurts -- no amount of my praying has stopped that. I have suffered a terrible loss on the account of my ED being selfish, malice, deceitful, and more... I raised her better than that. I don't even know where she lives or who she is anymore. I grieve for a living child...
|
|
|
Post by everloving11 on Oct 12, 2016 14:44:50 GMT
I feel your pain, Hurt Mom. Don't be fooled by those of us who seem to be smoothly sailing along - I post on this site as much to encourage myself as to encourage someone else! I know the right answers - I need to walk in them to experience them.
It's been one year for my DH and me and my Scripture reading this morning was in Matthew about sons against their fathers and daughter-in-laws against their mother-in-laws. A year ago, when I read this passage, I didn't know I had been cut off. "Nobody knows the trouble I've seen..." is an old Negro spiritual that speaks to us in our everyday lives; here on this site you will find commonality. I suppose, other than all those suggestions mentioned on this site, I keep busy serving others. I need to focus on those who know they need what I can give; whom I can "mother" when my own EC won't allow me access. I can only pray my ES will come back to the Lord Jesus and that, meanwhile, someone will "mother" him in my stead. There is also his wife, an autistic daughter, and a baby boy I have never seen. Not a day passes that I don't think about them. In a way, I hope that never changes - it's the biggest connection I have with them. I have no illusions I will ever see reconciliation in this lifetime, though I have hope. So, I'm in this for the long haul. One caution: unless you need a huge crying binge, avoid the Hallmark Christmas movies - every other one has to do with estrangement!!!
My Chinese girl, who lives with us and is one of our International students, just asked for a graduation verse. She is not a believer yet. I asked her what she wanted out of life - she responded, "To live - really live." I gave her John 10:10b "I have come that they might have life, and have life to the full." Isn't that what we all want? You can either let life happen to you or you can fully live in spite of what life dishes out. You are not a victim - you are victorious in Christ! You just don't feel like it now. It's difficult to feel much of a person when one you have carried and raised rejects you. In fact, it feels hypocritical when you evaluate yourself as a lousy mother and others think you are great. It really only matters what God thinks - "You are my Child" He says. Please watch this video to hear and see who you really are - I guarantee you will be blessed! It's called "Father's Love Letter to You"
|
|
|
Post by luke2231 on Oct 12, 2016 19:43:48 GMT
Everloving, thank you for sharing that - it's AWESOME! I so agree with what you say... I use this site to "talk myself into" having hope, believing, adjusting, getting along, not being too downtrodden, etc..., etc... I find that when one of us is having problems, by encouraging them, it helps me immensely as well. I mean, what a concept!! ;-)
1hurtmom, you're here for a reason. I don't just mean that you have an EC, but that God directed you here because He wants you to know that others understand and walk alongside you through this struggle. He wants you to know He's caring for you and loving you through others, allowing you to feel that compassion, as well as giving others hope through your story.
Praying for you and your daughter, and all of us and our estranged children...
|
|
|
Post by 1hurtmom on Oct 12, 2016 20:46:26 GMT
Thank you everloving and luke,
I have seen the video before. (tear jerker) I am having a hard time about Gods love right now. My story is so long not even sure where to start. Basically I was a good single mother who sacrificed for my only child having no financial support from her father. There were a lot of scary times in my life raising her. A lot of my family is deceased, except my two siblings who played a part in the estrangement. I have had no contact in 6 years with any of them. They have participated in this sick game using her as a pawn. I am safer without them in my life but I want my child back in my life. She was young when she did what she did and was easily influenced and manipulated. They had a vendetta against me and used her as a pawn in their sick game. None are practicing Christians.
I have not only had to deal with the estrangement but marriage problems, business problems, health problems and more. I felt all alone for 6 years and didn't know if I would even wake up in the morning to go on. I had to find one reason to keep going every day. Some days are better then others. Today is a bad day...
When something reminds me of her I start to get so sad it hurts to breath. I can't explain it to anyone as no one can understand how you can grieve over a child that is not dead. Unfortunately I can't have closure because she hasn't let me have any. I don't know the reason why, all I know is she hates me.
I do know that when her father came back into her life that is when the estrangement happened and he told her a bunch of lies because he didn't want her to find out he was physically and mentally abusive to me and that is why we divorced. But my own siblings know and didn't defend me.
My ED has seen me out in public and ignored me. I was devastated to say the least. She laughed and stuck her nose up in the air and acted like she didn't even know me. I lost it that day. Honestly I don't even know how I got though it except Gods mercy on me. She continues on her life as if I never existed. She doesn't even acknowledge I raised her all alone.
I could go on and on but many of you already know the pain I am in. I am finally getting my voice back and standing up for myself against this. It's not ok how I am being treated and it's not ok to spread lies about me to get pity from others.
My spouse isn't really all that supportive. As the years have gone on I would think that would change but it hasn't really. People get tired of hearing about it and give you the same old answers.
For the first time in 6 years I realized today I may never see my child again. It kills knowing this because I didn't do anything wrong. I wasn't a saint but I don't deserve this kind of treatment. It wasn't like I was a drug dealer pimping her out on the weekends.
I worked hard to supply her with everything she had. I might add I must have done something right because she works full time and is doing good. So she does have work ethics at least. I hope she gets back into church.
I am dreading the holidays coming up as I do every year. I usually stay inside a lot to avoid people but my job doesn't let that happen. I know this is all over the place its just one of those days where I wish I could run far away.
|
|
|
Post by lindajoan on Oct 12, 2016 21:05:45 GMT
Hurtmom, I am so thankful that you are here. We need one another. We understand one another. This place is a blessing.
I can personally say that estrangement me affected on many levels including physically,mentally, and emotionally. There are many tribulations in this life (as Jesus said there would be in His Word) but estrangement is one that makes no sense. I think that is why it changes our life and rocks our world.
My ED left home almost 6 years ago also. My DH told me early on that the Lord could handle this burden better than we can. Not to say we did not try to change things but only God can change a heart. The most we can do is pray.
Please be good to yourself. Do activities you enjoy on your own or with DH. Each day is a gift. We pray for God to work in our EC lives and live each day with His strength. There is still so much to be thankful for. With God all things are possible.
|
|
|
Post by byhisgracealone on Oct 12, 2016 22:38:23 GMT
Hurtmom, I'm sorry for the struggle you're experiencing. Each of us on this site understands your feelings and emotional pain. We have all had a child / or children we love, walk away from us without a word or reason. Through God's mercy, I have come a long way in the estrangement journey, but still experience difficult days. My ED also sees her dad, who was unfaithful, and tells mistruths about me to cover his past indiscretions from his family and second wife. Of course, it hurts more knowing she's chosen to love the parent who caused the family such pain, and walked away from the parent who tried to keep everything together. It has left me confused, to say the least, but since neither she or her dad are believers, I know she finds comfort in being with the parent who most closely resembles her own personality.
Please continue day and night throwing your hurt on the mercy seat of Our Lord and Savior. He truly understands our pain.
Blessings and prayers....
|
|
|
Post by 1hurtmom on Oct 14, 2016 17:22:42 GMT
it hurts more knowing she's chosen to love the parent who caused the family such pain, and walked away from the parent who tried to keep everything together. That is so true same here and it makes no logical sense. My child does'nt have to pick sides I never said she had to so not sure why she feels like she has to now after all these years.
|
|
|
Post by lindajoan on Oct 14, 2016 19:41:08 GMT
That is true. Estrangement does not make sense. It is not of God it is from the enemy. It is sin. It is impossible for our minds to make sense out of the senseless. We can pray that God will change the hearts of our EC. Only He can.
|
|
|
Post by bettyshe on Oct 16, 2016 7:25:37 GMT
I am so very very happy to have this place to come to and share and be understood and encouraged. I feel the pain of each person here and also get so much from the sharings. I thank my Lord Jesus for the administrators who keep this site up and going. I read much more than I comment but I'm here and happy that the Lords provides.
|
|
|
Post by 1hurtmom on Oct 16, 2016 10:09:22 GMT
link
I found this a letter written to estranged children.
|
|
|
Post by lindajoan on Oct 16, 2016 12:23:47 GMT
Thank you for this link. This woman speaks first hand from her story. One of our prayers for our EC is that they would try to create peace with their good mothers.
|
|
|
Post by 1hurtmom on Oct 18, 2016 3:01:42 GMT
Today was an awful day I was so stressed out my nerves are shot. It seems like everything is in over drive. Things that I could handle I can't seem too.
|
|
|
Post by JeepGirl on Oct 18, 2016 5:08:28 GMT
Oh 1hurtmom, like the others here, I can feel your pain. In fact, my feelings recently (also after 6 years)are so similar to yours right now. The only difference is I am not letting them incapacitate me and crawl up on a chair and stay immobile as I had in the past.
I had an incident this weekend (which I will post about later) that truly left me feeling like I was having Post Traumatic Shock Syndrome. It seems no matter how long we are in these estrangements or how much better we think we are, the almost unbearable heartache and pain will strike again. There is no question that estrangement affects us emotionally and physically and may never leave us until there is reconciliation or we go home to be with the Lord.
I also understand your struggles with faith and questioning God. Over the past few years, I have been careful about quoting scripture to a hurting friend who I know is a solid believer. They know the scriptures, like we do, and probably would be telling someone else the verses that they are being given. Please don't misunderstand what I am saying, because scriptures sustain me everyday. It is just that when we are really depressed, sometimes we just need someone to hug us, cry with us (....weep with those who weep...) or just be with us. We usually have already reached out to God, prayed, asked for help, His guidance and all the rest. And, then, we didn't hear anything, or get any direction and we still want to roll up into a ball and cry. Then we start to question ourselves, our past, and that is when satan feels like he succeeded (and we begin to feel the same way). That is why coming here and sharing is so important. There is understanding here and lots of love and lots of support.
And God really does understand us, He knows how hurt we are and he knows, in spite of our questioning, doubting, etc. that we love Him and that He is Lord of our lives. I am sure He grieves with us, and wants us to seek Him and learn to trust Him in all our circumstances. He also will not turn His back on us. He simply waits for us to come back.
I don't know if anyone has suggested listening to Dr. Joshua Coleman, but I found him to be quite helpful. He has a website and some free webinars and books. He has personally helped me in seeing my estrangement more clearly. Although we have many of the same feelings, our situations are still different and I found Dr. Coleman to handle each estrangement accordingly.
And, most importantly, try to stay in the Word. Even if you read a proverb a day or a psalm (all of which are so soothing to our spirit). It only takes one verse sometimes to sense God's presence or direction.
Prayers lifted up for the depression to go away and for you to feel a newness, a refreshment, and a peace and desire to pick yourself up and see where God wants you. Remember, He does love you.
|
|