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Post by autumnwind on Aug 30, 2016 17:30:12 GMT
I just wanted to see what you all would do in my situation. My daughter and I have been on and off talking since she got married. Its been probably over a month now we haven't spoken. When we were speaking she always talked down to me and downright hateful. I allowed it most of the time, because I worried about her and my granddaughter. Her husband is quite controlling and absolutely hates us. They live 8hours away from us. As some of you know, they live out in the desert. The mail will not deliver to them. They have a post office box in town. I have had packages returned. The story is quite long, so I wont go into it here. I just want some advice. I am having a necklace made for her birthday. It is something I know she would like. I feel I need to deliver it to her. My husband says we wont be welcomed, and he is probably right. I just need to hand it to her and make sure she is alright. I feel like maybe if I just showed up she would be cold to us, but maybe warm up. She has absolutely no friends. They have ran everyone off they come in contact with. I hate to put my husband thru this, to satisfy my own need. Do you think I should just leave it alone and let her contact me someday? Just keep the necklace and give it to her when she does contact us? Ladies, I am dying inside, I am so depressed. I just want her to contact me.
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Post by lindajoan on Aug 30, 2016 17:54:56 GMT
I am so sorry you are in this position. You have done such a loving thing for your daughter. I believe I would contact her in some way and let her know you have a special gift for her. I hope she would welcome you over to bring it to her. I agree with your DH that I would not just show up at her home.
Please let us know what you decide.
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Post by autumnwind on Aug 30, 2016 18:08:50 GMT
I have text her and she will not respond. She will not answer the phone. The last time I talked with her, she told me she keeps trying to end our relationship, but I wont let it go. I don't believe her, I believe it is her husband. She has broke off all relationships in our family and with her father also. I am the only one that tries to hang on. I know there is mental issues involved here, has to be. I feel for anyone that goes thru this. This is beyond anything I could have ever imagined. I worry about my granddaughter. Sometimes I think it is a generational curse. I look back thru the 3rd and 4th generations and I see family members that went years without speaking. Somewhere it has to end.
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Post by lindajoan on Aug 30, 2016 20:19:04 GMT
I am so sorry for the pain your daughter is causing you and the family. If you let her know you have a special birthday gift for her and she does not respond I believe you have done all that is humanly possible at this time. Let's pray in time she will respond and realize how much her and her daughter miss you. God can do amazing things.
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Post by luke2231 on Aug 30, 2016 20:33:58 GMT
Autumn, I agree with your husband. My reasoning is this: your daughter's husband probably already makes her life more difficult than it needs to be on a daily basis. If you show up unannounced, he might make her life a living *ell, to be blunt. And if that happens, her desire to avoid his wrath will only create more distance and time between you. Maybe you could mail it USPS registered signature confirmation so you'll be sure she got it. And if you're having it made, why not have the jewelry maker mail it for you (build it into your cost) with a small note using your words? That way they won't ignore it because it's your address.
We never had a problem with our ES until he met his wife. I believe her insecurities have created a situation wherein she needs him to be miserable in order to make herself feel better. It sounds like the same thing with your SIL. I think most of us with EC whose estrangement has been created by spouses are constantly battling between their desire to please us or them. Except... they have to live with those cruel spouses on a daily basis and ignore us to make their lives easier.
I completely understand your worries and fears - but even if you can't physically put that necklace in her hand, God will use the love behind it to sow seeds in her life. Pray, pray, pray, but I would strongly consider not going. I'll be in prayer for you to have wisdom and guidance in this situation. Please let us know what happens!
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Post by autumnwind on Aug 30, 2016 20:43:45 GMT
Luke I know you are right in not going. I cant mail the necklace, they have a post office box and refuse mail from me. Parcel Service does not deliver where they are. Its just a mess. I have prayed and will continue. It breaks my heart she will not get a birthday present from me. I have to realize it is her choice, even though she is brainwashed. I saw my aunt the other day, and she said she could have never imagined this would happen to her. She was always so strong willed.
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Post by luke2231 on Aug 30, 2016 21:39:57 GMT
Would she accept a package from another family member? Or the jeweler? If there's a way to get around it, I'd try. Hugs and prayers for you!
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Post by lindajoan on Aug 30, 2016 22:41:14 GMT
I think having the jeweler send it could work. Do you agree?
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Post by autumnwind on Aug 30, 2016 23:34:25 GMT
I have tried sending things with no return address and from different companies. Her husband picks up the mail, and goes thru it, it all gets trashed. My daughter has told me to quit trying to send things. There is really no choice but to hand deliver. We drove down last Christmas to take presents, our visit started at well, but did not end well. I am sure it would end up the same way if I went again. I think they enjoy doing this to me. I know he is controlling but there is certain things she should not allow. I am going to keep the necklace and wait till she contacts me. That is the way I feel right now, may change tomorrow. Thank you for responding, it helps.
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Post by luke2231 on Aug 31, 2016 10:18:54 GMT
You know the situation better than anyone, but I'll pray for God to make a way somehow!
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Post by everloving11 on Aug 31, 2016 16:55:01 GMT
Hmm - most packages won't go to post office boxes. What I have done in our situation is set up a box or a bureau drawer with my son's name on it - in it goes the things I want him, his wife, and children to have. I figure I am only here on Planet Earth a few more years and I am actually doing this for all my children and adult grandchildren (have 4 or those). The only difference is that I pull out of the boxes of the ones who we have contact with presents for whatever. At least I feel that someday (even if I am no longer here) they will get this stuff. The life of Tony Fontane who estranged himself from his mother to become a night club singer keeps coming back to me - she prayed every day for him, but died without any reconciliation. But Tony 'came to' after she was gone and he went through an horrific traffic accident and became a devout Christian. This is my hope for my ES - and the patience to WAIT on the Lord. I'd love to see it all resolved in my lifetime, but want to KNOW that God will accomplish it in His own time and His own way. Same prayer for my second daughter who married a Shiite Muslim - I'm praying dear SNL will come to the Lord and lead my daughter back to Him.
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Post by warriornanny on Aug 31, 2016 17:21:30 GMT
I wish I could advise you. Because that would mean I know the right thing, and if I knew the right thing I would be able to fix my own mess.But only God can. God gave us an example of estrangement in the Bible. A young man went to his father and said basically, I don't want anything to do with you anymore. Give me my share of the inheritance and I'm out of here. I don't want any part of you, I don't want to do my part for the family, just give me. So the father let the boy go. Perhaps he didn't know where the boy was. Perhaps he did, it was a much smaller world then, and travelers who knew the family probably brought some news, but it wasn't good news. How long this went on we do not know. But we do know this-the father did not go after the boy. He didn't hunt him down in the city where he squandered his inheritance, begging the son to come home. He didn't go look for the son when he was broke and broken and feeding the pigs. But I can see him standing on the porch, scanning the horizon for the return of his son. Probably in much the same way I look out the window on Thanksgiving or Christmas, hoping that my children somehow find their way back. I know he felt all the same things we all feel. I heard a sermon on this subject when I was just weeks into my estrangement and hurting so much. In part, that is why I have not tried to make contact with my children for 8 yrs. I see the wisdom of God in the example of the father who just stood on the porch and waited.Basically, he waited while his son hit bottom. The root of the problem here is a lack of respect of the son for his father. In response, the father did not debase himself and beg his son to come home. He acted in self respect and I believe that is the only way that we ever get their respect back, by acting respectfully, by holding on to our own self respect.
Another really beautiful fact that I just love is that in this parable God is the father and we are the prodigal. And when the Father scanned the horizon and recognized his son from afar off, He raised his skirts and RAN to his son. It is the only place in the Bible where the Father is depicted as running. So I take comfort in this- every time my wicked heart draws away from God and He sees me turning back to him, He runs to meet me. And when my EC turn back toward Him, He will run to them. Then, and only then, will I be able to have a healthy relationship with them.
Many times over the years, family and friends have hinted at, or just come out and said, that it will have to be me who initiates reconciliation. Christian friends that I KNOW are close to God and spirit led have said this to me, as have my mom and ex MIL. On July 10th 2016 a new grandbaby came into the world and family and friends started immediately telling me I should go to the hospital and try to make amends or reconciliation. By Faith I stepped out and sent flowers, a card and a gift congratulating them. I got no response. BTW, I only know anything about this grandbaby because her mom has a public facebook page. She also has a private page where I cannot go, but I don't feel like I am creeping on them if I look at the public page. It became apparent almost immediately to this baby's doctors and parents, that something wasn't right. Of course, no one notified me. I gradually became aware that she had some issues, plus the fact that she stayed in NICU over a month. When she was a week or so old, I deciced to go to the hospital and wait outside the Nicu doors for my son to arrive to see his baby, so that I could try to give him my love and support. Long story short, I was not welcome and they felt like I was stalking them. BUT, I don't believe I did the wrong thing. There are times. when a mother just has to reach out. And although it was not accepted at this time, God's word tells us that love never fails. And so I believe that a seed of love was planted, and now God will tend it while I fade out of their lives again, in respect of their wishes.
I know this sounds contradictory. In fact, to me everything about estrangement is contradictory. I have been broken, yet I am stronger. I have been bitter and unkind at times, but I have more compassion for the hurting people now. I have been sad, and sometimes, I have been able to see the gifts that estrangement has brought me.
So, I sum up with this, Let the Lord lead you. He never fails. Act in a way that allows you to look back on your actions with self respect because they will never respect you if you do not respect yourself. And respect is the problem. You are in my prayers, Warrior
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Post by everloving11 on Aug 31, 2016 18:35:36 GMT
So far, God has told me to stay put --- I am certainly ready to go if He lets me!!!! God deals with each of us as individuals, so we do not necessarily have the right answers for one another.
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Post by byhisgracealone on Aug 31, 2016 20:27:24 GMT
Autumn, it's such a personal, difficult decision for each of us. Even though we have many aspects of our estrangements in common, we also each have different stories, and different personalities. I have decided to accept my ED's decision for me to remain out of her life. As painful as that reality is, it's also made my daily thought life easier. I no longer struggle with the choice of "Do I send this?" "Do I try to visit?" I've tried too many times, and was left ignored or rejected, so I no longer try.
I guess to say it plainly, I don't have to be hit with a brick, to understand my ED does not want a relationship with me. I know this is due to sin and selfishness on her part, but I have to protect my emotional health, and stop the constant questions of whether this is the right time to try again. I've given this to Christ. If a reconciliation is meant, He will arrange it.
I pray everyday for my ED and GC, and I enjoy the wonderful son The Lord has blessed me with. I'm learning to live in the blessings, and not focus on what I can't change, and will only cause pain.
Praying for The Lord to guide you in your decision.....
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Post by autumnwind on Aug 31, 2016 20:45:09 GMT
You are right byhisgracealone it is so hard to accept rejection from your child. I guess if I knew for sure it was truly what she wanted, and not her husband. Its hard to accept that you raised someone that is so cruel, hateful, bitter, negative. I guess she hates herself, is why she is like this. I want so much to help her. The only one that is left that would help her she rejects. I to have a son that has been a blessing. He hurts for her also. Thank you all for responding, it helps.
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