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Post by bettyshe on Jan 14, 2017 14:30:01 GMT
Is the heartbreak of estrangement ever really cured?
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Post by luke2231 on Jan 14, 2017 16:10:24 GMT
BettyShe,
It's only been just about a year for me, so I can't say for sure; I still have hope that one day my son will get in touch. Sadly however, I suspect that the answer to your question is "no." Even when I read stories about estrangement reconciliations, it almost always seems that the relationships are not quite the same as before. Rarely do I read that "we're closer than ever."
I'm usually a glass half-full kind of person, but from my experience with my own strained relationship with my mom, I don't think we'll have that same closeness we did in the past, so I'm guessing if my son ever does reconcile, it might be the same. There's a lot of hurt on both sides that makes it hard to learn to trust again, even if you've forgiven fully.
If I'm not mistaken, you've lost a child, and while I haven't, I have lost people special in my life, and while you can move on with your life, you never forget. As some wise people on this site have said before though, your joy isn't found here, in this life, it's in Him. And one day, all this sadness and pain will be forgotten and we'll have everlasting peace, love and abundance in His kingdom. I choose to believe that when He says abundance, that also means that the things we lack here on earth, like our broken relationships, we'll have restoration and healing in Heaven.
I'm guessing you're having a tough day, or are struggling somehow, since you asked that question. Please know that I'm lifting you up in prayer right now and will continue to do so. If I could hug you I would, so know that right now, someone (besides the Almighty God who does EVERYTHING for your good!) is in your corner. (((HUGS))) to you, friend!
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Post by lindajoan on Jan 14, 2017 16:34:42 GMT
That is such a deep question. It is sad to think about and yet we must always keep our hope in the Lord. Only He can heal our brokenness. Only He can make beauty from ashes.
Luke gave such wisdom. It is so very true that when we go through tragedy and loss on this earth that things are never the same again. Having lost my mother in 2015 and my daughter leaving us five years ago I can say with certainty that things are never the same. What I have found to be true in my life is that with time and with the power of the Holy Spirit we can press on one day at a time and live a life that we pray will honor Him and bless others. With God ALL things are possible.
Yes we still get sad. I know I do. It is very helpful to be in a women's group like a Bible Study. We care about you. We pray for one another. More hugs coming your way.
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Post by bettyshe on Jan 14, 2017 17:47:28 GMT
Luke , you hit it right I AM having a hard day. I so hope that the pains that we share from estrangement never happpened. I'm still trying to heal from it all and losing my daughter complicates my healing from estrangement. I know that our Father knows my pain, and I'm so very blessed and favored by Him in many ways...I know too that His will be done and I have to accept that. I'm so happy that I have this place to come and be lifted up when I'm down. There is a powerful prayer presence here. And ya know what Linda I also want to thank you for setting up this site because I know no other where I know the saints are waiting to lift me up when I'm down. The faith here brings me right back where I should be trusting God and looking to Him. God bless every soul here.
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Post by luke2231 on Jan 14, 2017 18:58:52 GMT
Awww... Betty, I'm sorry it's such a rough day. Good thing there are new mercies every morning! ;-) I'll keep praying...
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Post by lindajoan on Jan 14, 2017 19:41:28 GMT
I love your honesty Betty. You remind me to keep trusting God no matter what. Thank you.
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Post by brokenmama on Jan 14, 2017 23:27:43 GMT
I dont know that it is, because it is such an un-natural situation. Children should not grow up and spit in their parents face and walk out of their lives. But they do, breaking one of the strongest bonds known on this earth...the bond of a mother and child...or father and child...........I know God is in control and some day all will be well, when I am with Him. But to tell the truth, people saying things to me right now like..."God's timing is not our timing".....or "well you know His ways are not our ways ".......etc etc.........or something else meant to comfort.....it really does not comfort me. Its not that the words are not true, I just dont feel any help from them....... I dont know if my daughter will ever "come home" or not......its been 15 or so years for me (I have had contact with her and still occasionally see her for a short period of time. Big deal, you know)........Weekends are difficult for me. Holidays are hard.........This is honestly how i feel just now .......
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Post by difficulttime2 on Jan 14, 2017 23:43:46 GMT
I was recently made aware of an estranged mother, whose daughter 'came back' after more than 20 years of complete (silence) estrangement. .... So, one day, you're estranged, then in an instant ... you're not. Do we forgive, and move forward?? ... mostly yes I think. We are mothers and they are (no matter what) our children. We forgive with or without apology ... it is what it is I am learning.
I just hope I have the grace I need the moment I need it ... whether my EC is suddenly standing at my door, calling on the phone, or writing a letter or email ... and she says ... 'hey Mom' as if nothing happened .... Seems that is mostly how it goes down .... One moment complete silence ... then standing before you....more likely than not without apology.
Life's full of ups and downs I suppose and we just have to roll with it.... Is what it is.... Perhaps the real lesson here is learning to have true joy no matter what ... like Paul said, learning to be content no matter what our circumstances. Tough lessons I guess ... I know I haven't learned it yet ... still learning and observing... Hang in there ... there are always brighter days ahead....
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Post by everloving11 on Jan 15, 2017 16:03:25 GMT
The answer is a resounding YES ~ but that guarantee is only in Heaven when all tears shall be wiped away. As I reflect on this, the following song is playing:
MICHAEL CARD ~ ONLY HIS WOUNDS
The Author of Life, The King of all Kings
Was wounded, and beaten, and hung on a hill
The Truth of the world The sacrifice made
Has risen, was given the power to save
Only His wounds can heal the broken
Only His wounds can save us from sin
Only His wounds give faith to the faithless
Only His wounds can restore us
The day of the Lord , The promise foretold
The judgment upon us is soon to unfold
But still there is hope The way has been made
Before us is Jesus, with power to save
Only His wounds can heal the broken
Only His wounds can save us from sin
Only His wounds give faith to the faithless
Only His wounds can restore us again
I have to wonder what the "rest of the story" would have been in the parable of the estranged son(s) - since both sons were estranged from the father, in different ways. Was there full restoration or mistrust on all three parts from then all? What about the mother???
As for me, I consider this all part of the "cross" I must bear. Oh yes, I do hope that things will be restored here on earth but yesterday I just wanted to be unloaded with the burden and done with it. I guess, like the song says, someone has to pay and someone has to take the pain. In theory, Jesus bears our cross and burden but we feel the weight and pain nonetheless. I feel your pain.....for it is mine as well.
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Post by brokenmama on Jan 15, 2017 17:43:14 GMT
I was recently made aware of an estranged mother, whose daughter 'came back' after more than 20 years of complete (silence) estrangement. .... So, one day, you're estranged, then in an instant ... you're not. Do we forgive, and move forward?? ... mostly yes I think. We are mothers and they are (no matter what) our children. We forgive with or without apology ... it is what it is I am learning. I just hope I have the grace I need the moment I need it ... whether my EC is suddenly standing at my door, calling on the phone, or writing a letter or email ... and she says ... 'hey Mom' as if nothing happened .... Seems that is mostly how it goes down .... One moment complete silence ... then standing before you....more likely than not without apology. Life's full of ups and downs I suppose and we just have to roll with it.... Is what it is.... Perhaps the real lesson here is learning to have true joy no matter what ... like Paul said, learning to be content no matter what our circumstances. Tough lessons I guess ... I know I haven't learned it yet ... still learning and observing... Hang in there ... there are always brighter days ahead.... I am not sure anymore that I can accept this. Disappearing for weeks/months/years...then popping up as if she had just gone to the store. Talking like nothing had happened. That isnt a relationship. Its torture. Yes as Christians we must forgive. We have to live and have lives no matter what......My daughter will pop in now and then and then disappear for long periods of time. Its bizarre behavior and I am supposed to ...do what with this? I dont know. One think i will never do is argue with/ plead with/ beg/ etc. That of course never works. My daughter is a Christian too!......Somedays i am just a sad mama........and somedays i am pretty much ok......sort of...
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Post by luke2231 on Jan 15, 2017 20:01:52 GMT
Everloving, I've always wondered about the "rest of the story" too. Even when I didn't have a prodigal! And yes, what about the mother!?!?!? I'm pretty sure Jesus was trying to metaphorically parallel the father in the story with the Heavenly Father, but still, I'd love to know how she handled it!
Thanks for the posting the lyrics to that song - beautiful! I had a friend text me a message yesterday that she was praying for me, and what God shared with her was this: "Don't think it's too hard or too difficult. Stop looking at the hill as an upward climb when you've already been given the peak. See where I sit and know - KNOW - that everything is perfect in my plan."
Praying that for all of you lovely people suffering imaginable heartache...
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Post by lindajoan on Jan 15, 2017 23:08:12 GMT
Just as ieach estrangement is somewhat different so is each reconciliation. For some it may work without apology or repentance while for some it may be necessary. The prodigal son repented to his father as we do to our Heavenly Father.
Some of the things our ED has made up and widely lied to others about would need to be repented of from her. It is something we pray for and we know that with God all things are possible.
Estrangement is so very hard to go through for us good mothers. Keep praying in faith believing and moving forward one day at a time.
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Post by difficulttime2 on Jan 16, 2017 2:26:27 GMT
Brokenmama wrote: "I am not sure anymore that I can accept this. Disappearing for weeks/months/years...then popping up as if she had just gone to the store. Talking like nothing had happened. That isnt a relationship. Its torture."
Well, yes I agree with you, that this behavior is or can be 'torture.' The thing is we don't get to determine the behavior, bad or good of our adult children. All I am saying is that in my recent observations of fellow estranged mothers ... in the end, most choose to accept their adult children however they show up, simply because they are our children and we love them.
It isn't fair ... and believe me, I have heard it all from other mom's saying that they would never accept their kid's bad behavior, especially with no apology ... yet in the end, they do. Since I have not experienced it for myself, all I can do is look at that and say Wow ... the Mom, kid bond is pretty incredible and wonder if it will be that way for me ... if my kid ever does show up, and that isn't a given.
I don't think any of us can know ahead of time how we will react. I'm just saying that as I am watching some who have gone before me (and I've been at this for going on 7 years now), that when they come back ... for the most part, parents are grateful to see their children and find no reason to bring up all the past offenses and choose to move forward with or without apology. At one time or another in our hurt and grief, we often say ... no way ... I'd demand an apology before moving on with my EC ... but when push comes to shove, I'm just saying ... most don't demand anything and find the love and move on....
Just adding to the conversation ... who knows how it will be for any of us ... just something to consider... I think.
Just what I have observed recently ... not saying it will be that way for you.
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Post by JeepGirl on Jan 16, 2017 6:38:52 GMT
Wow....so much in this thread. Betty, I know for me,the heartache will never go away until reconciliation. It is not a constant heartache, like in the beginning, and I am not immobilized, but how can any mom think of an estranged child and not feel heartache? In addition, you have both the heartache of estrangement, as well as the loss of a child. God will always provide comfort but, sometimes, we could use a counselor or therapist to help us sort things out and to go forward in our lives, even though they will never be the same. It often takes time to find the right counselor but during this past year, I have seen a solid Christian woman who has helped me tremendously. I asked God to provide the right one because I was really in a bad place. She counsels with scripture and always points to Jesus. Praying for you, Bettyshe, and asking God to show you His love as you grieve the loss of your daughter.
Brokenmama, I don't believe you are alone in your feelings. I try to be sensitive to my Christian sisters and I don't always quote scriptures to them. They know them as well as I do. And there are times I have felt like you. When I am sharing my feelings with a women's group or a close friend, sometimes I just want them to listen or simply pray for me. The ministry of "presence" is so powerful, especially if they are truly walking in the spirit. We don't always need to say something. A hug may be all we need at times.
Difficult, I thought about your comment of hoping to have the grace the moment you need it. I believe both you and I will, as well as our sisters here, because each of us was saved by His Grace. How could we not extend it to our children? We will be like that prodigal's father, I am sure, and have open hearts and arms. That is what I, personally, heard and observed from parents who have reconciled. Praying we get to have that opportunity.
Lastly, concerning apologies.... Aren't we supposed to forgive, with or without an apology? Repentance and apologies are the responsibility of those who have harmed us, just as apologies are required of us when we have sinned or hurt others. I know several women who have reconciled with their adult children and I do not believe any apologies were made. A few said that their children made statements that they believed in the eyes of their children were apologies, but not in the eyes of the parent. However, again, we are only responsible for our own actions, not the actions of others.
Praying and seeking God's wisdom for each one of us. Jesus, fill us with Your Love.
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Post by lindajoan on Jan 16, 2017 12:48:32 GMT
I agree. We do forgive with or without apologies. It is so true that we answer for our own actions and not for those of our EC. The only thing we pray is that one day they will truly desire to have peace with us as their parents. We will each know as you said at the time. The Holy Spirit will give the wisdom and discernment.
Recently, word came to us through some extended family sources who heard that our ED is not ready for true peace. We can not make it happen. It is hard and sad to accept but DH and I continue to believe that with God all things are possible.
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