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Anger
Dec 26, 2016 5:32:41 GMT
Post by 1hurtmom on Dec 26, 2016 5:32:41 GMT
I was having the hardest time logging into the forum but I finally got it to work. So I survived Thanksgiving without being upset/mad. I kept busy and tried not to think about it. Then Christmas Eve I woke up and had a break down. Cried but then pulled myself together. Kept busy painting my bathroom with my husband. It's only the two of us. Both of our children are estranged for different reasons. His ED is due to his xwife as she has full custody and the child is under 18 still. My ED, who knows why, that is exactly why I am so mad at her. It comes in waves. I am furious with how she is treating me for no good reason. Its been almost 7 years and to this very day she has never told me why she won't talk to me. She acts as if her life is just great on social media. I haven't looked in several months at FB and today I found a pic not looking for it of her just so happy as if not a care in the world celebrating the Holidays with her new friends and family. Meanwhile I sit at home being rejected. This is why I am so angry. Plus my brother who participated in all of this has continued to use her as a pawn in his sick game to punish me. I am so angry and I couldn't even go to church service today. I didn't want to see all of the families together and have a melt down at church. This stinks! Had to vent. I hope everyone else had a better Christmas today. I know its about Jesus but it still hurts. I wonder if I will ever get another Holiday with her again?
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Anger
Dec 26, 2016 5:57:58 GMT
Post by difficulttime2 on Dec 26, 2016 5:57:58 GMT
I totally understand how you feel. I've been there. I am sorry you are feeling so low ... just know that you are not alone. You never know what tomorrow will bring ... I have friends who have reconciled with their adult children after many, many years. There is hope. There really is. Just know that you will not always feel this way ... it will pass. In the meantime, just know that I'm praying for you and Jesus is right there with you --- you're not alone in this suffering. He knows your pain, He was rejected too! Hang in there! BIG HUG TO YOU TONIGHT....
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Anger
Dec 26, 2016 12:31:43 GMT
Post by luke2231 on Dec 26, 2016 12:31:43 GMT
I'm so sorry 1hurtmom... truly, I understand. Estrangement really is a grief kind of thing... coming and going in waves. I sent ES an email Christmas card (and I would know if he opened it because I would get a message.) I saw the little green icon saying he was logged in to his email account, but never got the message he opened it, so I can only assume he saw the email but deleted it without opening it. And I got angry. Then sad. Then furious.
All this to say, you're not the only one feeling the hurt and anger from the pain our EC's are inflicting upon us. I'm so sorry that even going to church is unbearable for you, truly. Movies, malls, restaurants, anywhere you look is HARD! I've been there - and will be sure to be back again - but like difficulttime2 says, there IS hope. You never know what tomorrow will bring. You never know how God is working on your ED's heart!
I know it's hard, but don't give credence to what you see on FB or any social media. People rarely post their miseries and hardships on there (at least, the "secret" ones), so I sincerely doubt that her life is all sunshine and joy. She probably just wants people to THINK that her life is great and she's got it together. YOU know that she doesn't!!! Otherwise, she wouldn't treat her own mother this way!!!
Please know that God knows and grieves along with you. He loves you more than you can comprehend, and He is working. Right now. For her. For you. Don't give up or give in to that anger and doubt.
Praying for today to be better...
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Anger
Dec 26, 2016 15:49:36 GMT
Post by everloving11 on Dec 26, 2016 15:49:36 GMT
Oh I understand fully, 1hurtmom. I don't know how I would react if my son were to call today. I was a very bitter child and young adult, so I know how easy it is to hold a grudge and want to hurt the ones who have hurt us - or at least 'explain' all the hurt they have inflicted. Even worse, I tend to want to hurt those who hurt the ones I love - so your EC would not receive the kindest words from me!!!! BUT God surprises me and often gives just the right words of forgiveness and love when it counts....
It's strange, but I still have a psychological connection with my son's thoughts. I can "feel" his emotions - it's rather unsettling. I don't think it goes both ways, or else he would feel all the love I have for him. Do any of the rest of you still have such a connection with your EC?
Today's devotion was interesting and put some things in perspective: "Bearing with one another, and forgiving one another." Col. 3:13 For some people, Christmas is not a time of joy, but depression. In some cases it's because their families are fractured...and their memories are painful. In their book, None of These Diseases, S. I. MCMillen and David Stern describe the damage we inflict on ourselves when we dislike someone or refuse to forgive them. "The moment I begin to hate a man, I become his slave. He controls my thoughts. He controls my feelings. He even controls my dreams. Stress hormones constantly surge through my blood stream and wear down my body...the one I hate hounds me wherever I go."
What is interesting is these are the emotions our EC are going through. Like I said earlier, I was very bitter for two decades, and I obsessed more about my mother whom I was angry with than after I forgave her. I still have a disease that eats away at me from all this bitterness I kept inside. Actually, what convicted me most was that I was really angry at God for giving me the mother He chose for me. I had to ask His forgiveness, then thank Him for the very one I was most angry with. Then God gave me a love so intense for her and I finally, after 42 years of prayer and witnessing and sharing God's love, saw her saved before she passed on. This process took several decades but IT WAS WORTH IT ALL!
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Anger
Dec 26, 2016 16:00:29 GMT
via mobile
Post by lindajoan on Dec 26, 2016 16:00:29 GMT
1hurtmom,
I am so glad you are here. I am sorry it was difficult to log in. Please come often. We can truly say we understand.
Our emotions are like roller coasters in estrangement. It is so hurtful and sad. I get angry at what the enemy has done in 5 years.
It is easy to give up hope especially in some of our estrangement circumstances. It would take a miracle in our situation. God is more than able . Let's keep praying that one day there will be the breakthrough we have prayed for. My prayer is that our ED will repent to God and family.
I personally know that the enemy wants to destroy us through estrangement. So I need more of the Lord, the Word, and times in church. Our strength is in the Lord. God bless you and all of us during these angry and sad times.
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Anger
Dec 26, 2016 16:16:22 GMT
Post by JeepGirl on Dec 26, 2016 16:16:22 GMT
Hurtmom, I wrote a reply to your post almost immediately after I read it. I sent it from my cell and now I see it never came on here. But I said pretty much the same as everloving, Luke and difficult.... we all understand. If there is any good in all of this, it is that we have sisters who understand our hurt, rejection, loneliness and all the rest of our estrangement emotions. Even not wanting to go to church because of how we will feel when we see other intact families. Not wanting to go for that reason is certainly not a rejection of our faith or God.
After all the "right" things I say sometimes about how to handle estrangement, My mind still goes to where it shouldn't and I still succumb to feelings of depression, loss, etc. I did that last night and this morning when I went onto FB. Our Luke girl is so right in her reply. We shouldn't give credence to FB and other social media. I really know better, BUT...... All I saw these past two days were "family" pictures, "happy" family pictures, "Big" families, "smiling", "loving", family pictures, "grandkids" in family pictures, etc. etc. And guess what happened? Yep....I forgot the good things that happened this month, the things I even wrote about on here; Christmas morning with my daughter and family; and even a surprise phone call from my estranged brother (will do another post). I have even, personally, been a part of FB pictures that look so great online but prior to pic (or after) the tensions were so evident. So, why did I go there? I simply didn't resist the enemy. Because when we see those things and start to feel those emotions, we are tossing aside what God has shown us and the knowledge that we have of Him and His love for us. Coming here is such a good thing and usually puts us back on track.
Praying you are back on track today, hurtmom. Let's take those negative thoughts captive and look UP and ahead to what Jesus has for us. His plans are the best! Lots of love being sent to you.
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Anger
Dec 26, 2016 19:35:35 GMT
Post by poodlegirl61 on Dec 26, 2016 19:35:35 GMT
You can vent all you want. We all understand and feel your pain. Even though my estrangement with ES is in the early baby stages of getting better, there is a long way to go. My Christmas, if I try to compare it to everyone on Facebook, was just kind of meh. ES and his kids weren't here, but they did come last week, so that was good, but no, they weren't sitting in the pews with us on Christmas Eve. Something as intimate as that is probably months if not years in the future. I am just still very unsure about his wife, and her feelings, and of course my daughter is still very bitter, and understandably so. So our Christmas wasn't all that Norman Rockwall-ish either. And then factor in that I have one of the worst colds I have had in the last 10 years.....bleh. But God is good and He is faithful....nobody said this would be easy. Hang in there.
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Anger
Dec 26, 2016 21:17:22 GMT
Post by brokenmama on Dec 26, 2016 21:17:22 GMT
I've made the choice to back off Facebook for now...not give it up entirely but limit my time there....I've had several things said there that were so rude (not always about the estrangement)...One girl I know vaguely, a friend of a relative, mocked me about an issue i had discussed there. i was at first shocked then disgusted...she is a shallow person and i dont really care what she thinks...but my point is ...its all too much. Too many people , too many opinions, incessant pictures of dogs and cats (and i love animals!) One friend will make 20 or more posts of dogs up for adoption, Too much...........Sometimes and often it can include downright cruelty.....who needs it......I will go back to what i wanted it to be,,posting now and then with positive things......Blessings all!
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Anger
Dec 27, 2016 3:20:53 GMT
Post by 1hurtmom on Dec 27, 2016 3:20:53 GMT
brokenmamapoodlegirl61lindajoaneverloving11luke2231difficulttime2Thank you everyone for your post and upbeat attitudes. I wish I did but nope.... I am still angry. I am trying to get rid of it but I am mad as all get out. I have so many questions and no answers. I don't know how many more holiday blues I can take. I feel for each and everyone of us that have to go through this. I wish more people understood our pain we suffer. It is not easy and the holidays are the worst! Bless everyone tonight.
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Anger
Dec 27, 2016 4:15:35 GMT
Post by byhisgracealone on Dec 27, 2016 4:15:35 GMT
I understand your pain hurtmom. My estrangement was 7 years this past Easter. Nothing at all from my ED or SIL. Absolutely nothing. As though I have never had a relevance in her life what so ever. Through much prayer though, I am no longer angry. I used to try to figure out what it was, or wasn't. What I did, or didn't do...my ED never told me. She simply vanished. She speaks with her dad who was the cause of our broken family due to his affair, and this used to make me angry.
As I'm aging, I think The Lord is helping me to see things a little differently. My son tells me all the time what a wonderful mother I am, and always have been. He is a wonderful son, and I cherish those words from him, as he reminds me that this was his sisters mistake to make, and hers to regret.
This group (previously DS,) has been immensely helpful for me in recent years. Just knowing how everyone understands, and cares about one another. We can come here to vent without judgement, and ask for prayer when times are especially difficult. I will lift you in prayer hurtmom. I prayer The Lord gives you His peace that surpasses all understanding. Blessings...
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Anger
Dec 27, 2016 6:04:32 GMT
Post by everloving11 on Dec 27, 2016 6:04:32 GMT
One thing is for sure for all of us - there is no right or wrong way to feel about our situations. We each share what is currently working for us, hoping it might work for someone else here. We each are reaching out for some answers. We each need a safe place to vent with others who understand. Not like a friend who asks, "Heard from him yet?" Reading the psalms shows how David reacted, and he was called "a man after God's own heart" by God Himself. Honestly facing our situations and emotions and crying out for HELP seems to be what God wants us to do.
In a sense, we are all dealing within stages of grief in the loss of a loved one (even though our EC didn't technically die, death still means 'separation' - and we are all dealing with various degrees of separation). I just found this quote from a book: "The five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief." In other words, as different triggers bring up memories, frustrations, etc. we find ourselves visiting the various stages again and again and again, in random order, no less.
Does it get easier as time passes? Or is it still as painful? It's interesting reading about some of us who are still going through this after 7+ years.
Last year at this time (after I finally figured out I was rejected) I was still processing through denial ("How could this boy who was once so close to me now be so cruel? Maybe I was just dreaming all this. He's surely going to call as he has before....") to anger ("He's a controlling, selfish, belligerent person whom I do not even recognize - he probably won't even miss me when I die...perhaps he's even the Antichrist...") to bargaining ("I'm really sorry, God, for the mistakes and choices I made; is there something more You want me to confess? Please give me another chance....") to depression ("It IS my fault - God took my son from me because of the things I did when he was a baby. I deserve all this.") to acceptance ("Que sera sera ~ whatever will be, will be ~ it is what it is.") THEN back again and again on this cyclical ride I go. (Like the 'Screaming Eagle' roller coaster ride in Six Flags at St. Louis where I kept repeating Psalm 23 --- only I finally got to get off that ride! I was in my early 30's at the time....now I'm twice that age....and this Valley of the Shadow of Death is sometimes scarier!)
In some ways, it still feels like a strange dream that I will one day wake up from. Yes, I think of him every day - and miss him - and want him so desperately to find his way back to God. This is the only way I find any lasting peace or sanity ---- giving him back to God again and again.
There's not anything I can do to fix this situation --- ES is wearing spectacles of bitterness and hatred through which he's viewing me. It's best I stay out of his line of vision...
Thanks for letting me vent my own frustrations.
BTW, laughter does help: "Ignorance can be educated and crazy can be medicated but there's no cure for stupid." Admit it: our EC are being ridiculously stupid ~ why would anyone reject someone who loves them as much as we do in spite of all their faults???
OK - I'm worn out -- time for bed. "Tickets please?"
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