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Post by poodlegirl61 on Dec 13, 2016 15:08:48 GMT
Sorry I have been MIA. With my birthday last month, and then Thanksgiving, and all of the Christmas parties and festivities, I've just been swamped. Well, as you all know my ES and his wife had their third baby in October. The only reason I found out is my son called my mother and "casually mentioned" it. Of course I knew the real reason was so she could then let me know. To hear it from someone second hand like that hurt so badly. Anyway, that was on October 20. Well mom called me yesterday to tell me she had received a formal, printed birth announcement of the baby, with a picture. She asked if I had gotten one, and I said no. Well lo and behold, when I checked my mail last night, there it was. Mind you, this is the third baby, and I never have even seen the second baby. The envelope was printed and it appears to be my DIL's writing. There was no return address. Now, this is very puzzling. I wish I could rejoice in my heart over this, and in a perfect world I should. But instead I found myself scratching my head and wondering "is it a trap?" What is going on? Remember, these are the people who called me and my husband "vile, evil, and toxic" and were FORBIDDEN any contact at all. No cards, no calls, no gifts. In fact, last Christmas I sent a simple card and it just made them so very angry and I was chastised for being too dumb to know what "no contact" means. And now this. And no return address. HOWEVER, I called my mom back just now and she said hers DOES have a return address, which she gave me. So what am I supposed to do? I could get a congratulations card and send it to their home, but remember, they said no contact EVER, and also I am not supposed to know their address. But surely she/he knew that if they told my mom, she would tell me. It is like a passive aggressive cat and mouse game. This type of behavior is not uncommon for them. Why now? My husband thinks it is a trap as well. I know this is going to sound bizarre, but unless you know these two, you can't begin to imagine how they operate. My husband has an apartment in Arlington (so on travel days he won't be so far from the airport) and it is directly across from AT&T Stadium, where the Cowboys play. I mean, you open the curtains and you are looking at Jerryworld in all its glory. Needless to say, all of our kids have used it and LOVE it!. My ES is a huge Cowboys fan. The Cowboys are in the playoffs. Could it be he wants to use the apartment? I know that sounds crazy, but they ARE crazy. Anyway, I barely slept last night. I kept praying over and over for God to just take the wheel and help us know what to do. Thanks for listening.
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Post by lindajoan on Dec 13, 2016 17:37:34 GMT
I really want to believe that your ES wanted you to know about the baby. Since they made the move to send an announcement I believe I would take the open window and send a little something to the baby with a card from the grandparents. That is what you and DH are.
Of course, with estrangement we must always pray and see how God is leading us and also be in agreement with your DH. Please keep us posted about how you decide to handle it. It is so hard when trust has been broken. God bless you at this difficult time.
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Post by luke2231 on Dec 13, 2016 20:12:45 GMT
Poodle, it IS an opening, by your DIL no less, but I would be pretty cautious. Personally, I would "casually mention" it to your mother that you also received one, were so pleased, the baby's gorgeous, etc... and leave it at that. If your mom should happen to talk to your son, she can also casually mention those things if she feels so led. If you were explicitly told not to contact them, despite having received the announcement, they've offered no instructions yet to the contrary, so I wouldn't outright contact them. True, they've knocked at the door a bit, but I have a sense that our EC's enjoy playing a game to see how quickly we fall at their feet so they feel a power over us. And since it came in your DIL's handwriting..., (she who-must-not-be-crossed), it just feels you're being set up somehow.
I'll pray for you to get some sleep and that the Lord would give you a definite answer, and peace going forward. (Hugs)
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Post by byhisgracealone on Dec 13, 2016 21:46:16 GMT
poodlegirl, my ED and SIL are just as unstable, so I understand your caution. There have been several times where there seemed to be "an opening," where I thought their hearts were softening, but they were teasing me, just to watch my response as I was once again rejected. They say "no contact," but once a time period goes by where we actually haven't tried to reach out, they need to extend a carrot, just so they can get the thrill of "punishing" us anew for whatever it is/was that we did to offend them.
I know every experience is different, and I pray that you're DIL is being sincere. What a blessing for you and your DH if she is being sincere. Please pray, and follow God's leading. If this is just a lure, please feel emotionally prepared for the hurt before you reach out.
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Post by everloving11 on Dec 14, 2016 13:54:30 GMT
I understand all the angst - to be so close and further away.Even though our ES has not said no contact (mainly because he cut us off suddenly without warning) he has let our daughter know that he hopes I suffer. I keep imagining how I would respond if he called me out of the blue one day - I imagine my first response would be, "Howdy stranger..." or something equally inane. Our ES is so self-absorbed that he really thought the only reason we would come clear across the country in the past was just to see him (not our granddaughter or DIL).
I am certain, Poodle, that your children are not letting you know about the new little one for your benefit or even that they care about a grandmother for their baby. They only care about themselves and the drama (their form of a reality show) that they have created. Sorry to be so jaded, but until they come out of their cocoon of selfishness, this is how their lives will play out. Unfortunately, this is the legacy they are also passing down to their children. I was the third generation of bitterness in my family and only the Lord delivered me from that curse.
On a positive note, God sees and knows and has let you have a glimpse of the blessing He has given out of His mercy and grace. Even if you never meet these grandchildren, God calls you Grandma. God bless you.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2016 2:25:50 GMT
I have experienced those sparks of hope just to find out I was wrong in my thinking that my es's heart has softened. I am very cautious not to allow myself to be set up anymore. "IT IS WHAT IT IS". I tend to agree with everloving, unfortunately. The fact there was no return address would be enough for me to feel their motives were not an act of kindness.
If I were you, I would sign a card, but let your Mother address it, mail it. They might take offense if your mother gave you their address. I would write a nice note in it expressing how happy you are for them and you are wishing them all joy, health, and peace. I wouldn't suggest to them about wanting to pay them a visit, etc. Our ec have twisted minds and it is hard to comprehend their behavior. It is "their way" or "no way." Don't play into their hands.
Keep praying! God is still on the move and can soften even the hardest of hearts. I do know how you feel. I have 2 gc I am not even suppose to know they exist!
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Post by autumnwind on Dec 15, 2016 15:48:19 GMT
Poodlegirl it becomes a viscous cycle. Your heart wants to believe the best in everyone. I have fallen so many times into this trap. I too am once again forbidden to send anything, no cards, no gifts, no Christmas at all. The last cards and gifts got thrown in the trash. They delight with such pleasure to let you know that. Every now and then I get a spark of hope and jump on it, and it might be good for just a week or so, but quickly turns. I don't think anyone can tell you what to do, just go with what your heart tells you, but be cautious. I believe sometimes if you don't take the opening even if it fails, you will never know what might have been. We have to be strong women and I believe everyone of us are. God be with you in your decision.
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Post by poodlegirl61 on Dec 15, 2016 16:14:22 GMT
First of all, I am so thankful for you guys. Even though I don't post often, I do check in frequently, and I am so glad when I do. I have read each one of your responses and I am thankful for each one. My husband and I both, after much prayer, believe unfortunately this is some sort of trick or trap or whatever you want to call it. Remember, I am not even supposed to know about this baby. They never told us they were even pregnant. So what do you think they could possibly mean by sending a birth announcement? Shock value? And of course there is the issue of no return address. What my husband and I have decided to do is get a congratulations card, sign a simple "He's gorgeous,thanks for the birth announcement, love mom and dad" or something very generic like that. And then mail it to my ES's law firm. We know that address, and they know we know. At first we planned to send two cards, one to the office, and one to the home, but then it would bring up the whole "how did they know our address" or either make them mad at my mom. At first we planned to do nothing, but I know how their minds work. It would be the whole victim thing, like "see, we reached out, but they did nothing"....blah blah blah. We are truly damned if we do and damned if we don't. And they may very well go on a tirade for us breaking the "no contact" rule. That is why when we sign the card, we are mentioning "thanks for the announcement" so our son will at least know HIS WIFE is the one who broke the code. Again, our hearts are very guarded. It is so bewildering to me that when months go by with no contact, even though I am sad, I am at peace. And then she/he stirs the pot and I am once again filled with dread. Keep us in your prayers and I will keep you posted.
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Post by lindajoan on Dec 15, 2016 23:00:15 GMT
I believe the Lord led you to the best way to handle this situation. I am so glad you are sending a card. Please keep us posted.
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