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Post by luke2231 on Dec 2, 2016 16:25:09 GMT
I think I told you that I recently found out ES & DIL had moved overseas, and I was more than a little wrecked because not only did he not tell any of us, but also that he moved about 1 1/2 hr away from our other son who was sad and missing family going into the holidays...
Well, strangely, for the past couple weeks, we've been getting phone calls for our ES - who hasn't lived here in years! - and the callers wouldn't give me any information when I inquired what the calls pertained to. Today, I find out that ES has also walked away from his student loan obligation - which we co-signed with him - so now we're on the hook for the balance!!! Never mind that we also took out a loan to pay for what we couldn't afford and his scholarships didn't cover, all because he didn't even want to consider staying in-state. To be fair, at the time, his scholarships made the decision for us, but we still sacrificed a lot for him to get there. At the time, we were happy to take out our loan, and co-sign his becausewe thought we were helping him with his future. But now, he's actually trying to take away our financial future.
We've paid off our loans, and I somewhat felt like I was starting to move forward a bit from the shock of his withdrawal from our lives, but I'm crushed, hurt and absolutely livid right now!!!
I can't even begin to fathom that this is the same child that held such a sense of responsibility and right and wrong. How on earth could he be so callous as to stick it to us like this? I mean, I can't even comprehend it...
I don't even know what to pray. What to do to tell him this is just wrong, and no matter what he thinks we've done, this is just absolutely atrocious on his part.
Help!!!
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Post by lindajoan on Dec 2, 2016 17:47:03 GMT
I am so sorry you are going through this. Our ED also left a trail of debts and loans. Although we had not consigned we received calls. We did not pay any of her bills.
I hope you do not have to be responsible. If you had an address you could let the collectors know it. Since you do not at this time possibly you could wait it out and see what happens.
Be kind to yourself. You were being good parents in trying to help your son. I pray one day our EC will appreciate all they received from us.
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Post by JeepGirl on Dec 5, 2016 5:12:36 GMT
I agree with lindajoan in forwarding es's address to credit company. I am assuming if you know that es lives an hour and a half from your other son, you have an idea where es and his wife live or could easily find out his address. If credit company knows how to reach him, there are things they can do to try and get payments from es. I believe they could withhold any federal income tax he may be entitled to. I know parents delinquent in child support payments have had the government take their income tax return. If they own a home or property, they may be able to place a lien against their property. You and your dh may also have options..... depending on your age, do you receive social security, would this payment cause a "hardship" for you, etc. I think you probably need to talk to an attorney who deals with student loans. Again, I know in child support cases they can garnish wages. I hope and pray the credit company can attempt to receive payments from es and you won't be called upon to pay off this debt.
Our estrangements are difficult enough, without having to pay for debts our kids promised to pay. Praying you find a resolution to this problem and will not have to pay off the loan. Sorry you are going thru this.
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Post by luke2231 on Dec 5, 2016 17:45:55 GMT
I do not know the physical address, although I've tried multiple sources. I just saw some photos of the school they are attending. Doing my Nancy Drew sleuthing, I discovered it's about 1 1/2 hours away. Since it's overseas, I don't know if a credit company will make attempts if it's so far away, or just come after us. I'd rather pay than ruin our credit too - because it will come back to bite him when he returns - but I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that he & his wife despise us so much he'd put us in this position.
My dh says I should attend some kind of grief counseling because this is just completely stealing my joy and Christmas joy. Although, even if he's "dead" to us, he still has the power to wound me greatly. I'm walking around sick to my stomach, crying and I just want to hide all day. I hate having to put on that happy face and do all the normal things. And no one, I mean NO ONE, feels like I should let it bother me as much as it does. "Just forget him. Forget it." "Stop crying." "Smile." That's all everyone is saying to me, but I feel like it was bad enough he wanted to ignore us, but now he's actively trying to "pay" for whatever unnamed sins we've committed against them.
How do I forget that?!?
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Post by lindajoan on Dec 5, 2016 20:28:45 GMT
We understand. Others not going through estrangement do not. In my humble opinion I would not pay his loan.
Please try to attend a Christmas Concert or Christmas Tea during the season. It will not make us forget but it will focus our eyes upon the reason for the season. It will help us to remember our hope,our only hope is in the Lord.
Saying a prayer for you my friend. Praying for each of you.
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Post by JeepGirl on Dec 6, 2016 3:04:18 GMT
Lifting you and your situation up to God and asking Him to give you some peace. Please, ask Him for His "peace" yourself, as well, Luke. I know He will answer that prayer in a way only He can.
As lindajoan said, unless someone has experienced estrangement, they don't understand. I pray others don't ever go thru what we are going thru. If they did, they would understand that you just can't "not let it bother you, "forget it", "stop crying", etc. These are our kids and we are moms. Nothing else to say about that.
You may not feel like doing anything this Christmas but try to make an effort as lindajoan suggested. You will be blessed and feel better because this is not about us, your es, or my es, but about the birth of our Savior. He gave us the greatest gift. We need to honor it during this time. And as we celebrate His birth, we can also lift up our estranged adult children in prayer. Who knows what God may do.
Prayers and virtual hugs being sent to you.
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Post by bettyshe on Dec 6, 2016 13:32:03 GMT
Oh Luke, I feel your pain and fully understand how emobilizing estrangement is..I too am fighting to experience joy in this wonderful season. Please fight hard to go to an event or celebration. The enemy of all our souls loves to isolate us from the joy that the Lord promises. If you do to an event you will be so engrossed in the meaning of the season that for that hour/time you will have a release and have peace. I know because I have done this. I am so sorry that your son has done this additional hurtful thing to you and your DH. I think of estrangement as a life sentence in a prison without walls...sometimes we are the only ones that understands the physical and mental limitations it puts on us. I'm praying for you to find the strength to say enough! And find some relief...I pray for each and everyone here for we all are experiencing pain beyond measure but we must share and comfort one another....isn't that what the Word says? I find great comfort and strength here like no other place because you do understand. I too need deep deep prayer at this time and I'm asking each of you to pray! Pray! pray. Linda, Jeep and Luke I thank God for each of you.
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Post by luke2231 on Dec 9, 2016 19:35:33 GMT
Thank you to those who've responded.
I don't have any physical address or way to get ahold of ES except email, which he won't respond to. We tried sending an email to ask him to contact us just so we can figure it out, but nada. I guess we're on the hook for the $ and that just means the less we can bless our other kids with. And this is hurting them too, although I think they're more angry about it than anything.
We live in a really really rural area and there aren't really any opportunities to go to a Christmas concert, etc... We live close to where the huge wildfires were a couple weeks ago, so I've been trying to pray for those people who really have lost everything. I'm still hurting, but at least in doing that I can forget about it a little at a time.
Bless you all.
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Post by lindajoan on Dec 9, 2016 21:38:09 GMT
Praying for those who lost everything too.
I hope given some time this agency will not bother you for the money. However, you must follow how you and DH feel led of the Lord. We can hope that one day your ES will see how much you have done for him and show gratitude. God bless you and your family with God's peace during this storm.
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Post by everloving11 on Dec 11, 2016 22:42:49 GMT
When I am super angry, I take a long walk ---- however, in your case, that might take you very far away! I'm sorry - this isn't funny at all and I cannot imagine how hurtful this is. I wouldn't pay for these debts either. I pray God will give you insight into the direction you should take and even reveal the address, if it's His will.
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Post by poodlegirl61 on Dec 13, 2016 15:21:22 GMT
Oh gosh, I am just now reading this, sorry! This just makes me so angry, and I can feel my blood boil. Hopefully by now you have calmed down, but I don't know what I would have done. I probably would have cried because that is what I usually do when I am angry. I guess my best advice for when I am angry is I take out my aggression in the gym! I work out extra hard, which is good for my body and my mind!
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Post by luke2231 on Dec 13, 2016 20:28:08 GMT
I did go for a long run today Poodle, and Everloving, I had it mapped out so I wouldn't end up in the forest! ;-) It's been a while since I've just run and run, even though I exercise a lot.
We did find out that ES had contacted the loan company, and asked for it be suspended due to hardship (because he doesn't have a job yet in the new country while he was waiting for his work visa to come through). But it can't be considered a hardship if we - who cosigned - can afford to pay. So... guess who gets to pay?!?
The thing is, I totally feel like he's been subjugated by the wife. Whatever is good for her, she gets. Good for him? Not so much. Even if he has to ruin his credit because of it. Give up a good job. I kind of think he can't face us because of it. It may be a stretch, but in my gut, that's what I feel. Still, it hurts that he's chosen to debase himself when we know he's so much more. I'm just heartbroken....
I guess I need to go for another run now...
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Post by lindajoan on Dec 13, 2016 21:49:15 GMT
I love the running and exercise idea. It is so good for our minds. Since he did talk with the loan people I would let the loan company make the next move to you before paying. I could be wrong but I would not be too quick to pay. As the Lord leads you, you will follow.
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