Playing Devil's advocate
Nov 25, 2016 23:18:54 GMT
Post by wonderbugg on Nov 25, 2016 23:18:54 GMT
Read my latest addendumn to Can aanyone Relate?
I am doing a free Christmas Store for underpriveledged children this year. And taking a trip a week long. Arriving back home Christmas Eve.
It will be a good year.
Lest anyone think I'm depressed with a bottle of pills in my hand I want to tell you what is saving me from that...or constantly wishing I had cancer. (things I have done).
Estrangement is just about the worst pain in the world. (you know that. I don't need to tell you.)
How have I finally learned to survive?
By being brutally honest with myself.
Sunday School answers don't work anymore (nothing against Sunday School!)
But no one there understands this exact pain.
So how did I come to the conclusion to do a free Christmas store and trip this year?
By asking myself " What am I responible for? And what belongs exclusively to my ED?"
This is how I arrived at vulnerability.
Seeing that I DO have a shell of self hatred. (this journey of vulnerability actually began a few months ago.)
Asking myself "How did it get there? What part did it play in the estrangement? And how is it blocking joy in my Christian walk?"
"Why is Christmas so sad? What can I do about it?"
So I looked.
Honesty hurts!
I had some loving and some not so loving ties to Christmas.
The unloving ties, the shell of self hatred...these are things which called for repentance.
Repentance is hard.
Brutal.
But in the end it brings freedom.
I needed to find my way to freedom...or die.
I could never reframe my thinking about Christmas without first true repentance.
Repentance begins and ends in the surety that God is deeply committed to me.
You will hear me admit to things.
I no longer hide my sin.
If I conquer drinking wine to drown my sorrows,
I'll say so.
If I have a particular sin...I admit it.
I'll drag it's ugly butt right out into the bright light of Jesus.
Satan HATES it.
Because once I repent he can no longer beat me up.
I hope to frustrate the enemy so bad he needs therapy.
My methods of finding freedom in Christ don't always sound positive.
My sins are ugly. They are wicked.
Once they are exposed I can consider that part of me as dead.
Then begin the process of walking in the newness of my reborn life.
My methods are unorthodoxed.
They are misunsderstood by many.
I don't care.
I"ve been to hell...but praise God I've also found my way back.
I will leave if it upsets or confuses anyone here.
That is not my intention at all.
But a good beginning to freedom is to admit I did have some responsibility in my child deserting me.
Not all. But some. For sure some.
But I do not wallow.
Satan wants me to wallow and not repent.
After repentance comes clear thinking and openess to solutions.
I love you all and hope you get me.
I am different.
I am doing a free Christmas Store for underpriveledged children this year. And taking a trip a week long. Arriving back home Christmas Eve.
It will be a good year.
Lest anyone think I'm depressed with a bottle of pills in my hand I want to tell you what is saving me from that...or constantly wishing I had cancer. (things I have done).
Estrangement is just about the worst pain in the world. (you know that. I don't need to tell you.)
How have I finally learned to survive?
By being brutally honest with myself.
Sunday School answers don't work anymore (nothing against Sunday School!)
But no one there understands this exact pain.
So how did I come to the conclusion to do a free Christmas store and trip this year?
By asking myself " What am I responible for? And what belongs exclusively to my ED?"
This is how I arrived at vulnerability.
Seeing that I DO have a shell of self hatred. (this journey of vulnerability actually began a few months ago.)
Asking myself "How did it get there? What part did it play in the estrangement? And how is it blocking joy in my Christian walk?"
"Why is Christmas so sad? What can I do about it?"
So I looked.
Honesty hurts!
I had some loving and some not so loving ties to Christmas.
The unloving ties, the shell of self hatred...these are things which called for repentance.
Repentance is hard.
Brutal.
But in the end it brings freedom.
I needed to find my way to freedom...or die.
I could never reframe my thinking about Christmas without first true repentance.
Repentance begins and ends in the surety that God is deeply committed to me.
You will hear me admit to things.
I no longer hide my sin.
If I conquer drinking wine to drown my sorrows,
I'll say so.
If I have a particular sin...I admit it.
I'll drag it's ugly butt right out into the bright light of Jesus.
Satan HATES it.
Because once I repent he can no longer beat me up.
I hope to frustrate the enemy so bad he needs therapy.
My methods of finding freedom in Christ don't always sound positive.
My sins are ugly. They are wicked.
Once they are exposed I can consider that part of me as dead.
Then begin the process of walking in the newness of my reborn life.
My methods are unorthodoxed.
They are misunsderstood by many.
I don't care.
I"ve been to hell...but praise God I've also found my way back.
I will leave if it upsets or confuses anyone here.
That is not my intention at all.
But a good beginning to freedom is to admit I did have some responsibility in my child deserting me.
Not all. But some. For sure some.
But I do not wallow.
Satan wants me to wallow and not repent.
After repentance comes clear thinking and openess to solutions.
I love you all and hope you get me.
I am different.
