|
Post by wonderbugg on Nov 23, 2016 18:37:07 GMT
Upon deep study and reflection it seems to me I have a hard shell of self hatred. I did not even know it was there. I sobbed deeply. Hating my own self hatred. It is a major blockage to me recieving anything from God , or anyone else. There are deep roots to this self hatred. I could point to sexual assaults and molestaion by family members. My mother knowing but not protecting me. And as bad as all that is...nothing has hurt as bad as estrangement. That drove the self hatred deep. Made the wall higher and thicker. But I now see that I can no longer blame my past or present. I now see my shell of self hatred as sin. It is sin because it is keeping a barrier between me and God. I need to repent before I can recieve His promises. I am not supposed to hate my reborn self. And I am to consider my "old man" as dead. I can no longer count on my role as mom and grandmother to be my source. My perfectionism (esp creating the perfect holidays), Is a sympton of my self hatred. I have to let it go. All of it. I now see the self hatred as self punishment. A very sick, and I expect selfish indulgegence. It is going to be a process. I did not realize the barrier was even there! My self esteem and acceptance must be from God alone. Only He can make me walk in freedom. It's time to unlock the bars. I cannot punish myself for my sins. I have to fully accept that Christ was punished enough. God's wrath against all my sin is paid in full. It's hard to let go of my old identidy. The "perfect" mom, grandmother, wife... I must let it go. And set my family free from my old identidy if I am to survive another day. Let alone another holiday. I can't pretend to be happy because I am as usual trying to behave as others in my family want me to. I must fully love the reborn child of God that lives in me. My one and only true joy must come from Christ. Whatever else happens to me is just gravy.
|
|
|
Post by lindajoan on Nov 23, 2016 20:40:07 GMT
He could not love you more no matter what you do or do not do. His live is unconditional and eternal. The enemy (and even other people) want you to believe that God turns His back on us but that is the lie of the enemy. The truth is that you are Jesus beloved daughter. You are a child of the King. Keep holding on to Jesus because He loves you. So do we.
|
|
|
Post by wonderbugg on Nov 23, 2016 21:19:12 GMT
As I think about my identity God is dealing with my depression over the holidays. Holiday season #5 without my daughter and. 3 grandsons is coming up. This year I'm doing it differently. I'm giving back to God, (and everyone) the holidays. He says, "Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart." If he wants me to remain in charge of the holiday season he will give it back. If not, then I will trust he has something better! I really will. How easily to fall into the holiday trap.(who cooks the turkey, shops, decorates...?) Do we do it out of love? Of course we do! Hearts bursting at the seams with love. But I see I also used the hlidays to feel OK about myself. Internally, without realizing it I am screaming to my family, "Behave and give me back my holidays!" And then the deep downward spiral of depression begins. This year they can all do whatever they want. My fullfillment will be in Christ alone. I'm planning two trips. Gonna be outta town two days after Thanksgiving and the week before Christmas. No pressure, no guilt on anyone. If they don't want to spend the holidays with us that is fine. No more selfish expectations. (yes, I have always done it out of love. These other motives are just coming to light after much soul searching). It doesn't seem selfish when we do all that we do. But I now see that on some level I have been very selfish. Norman Rockwell doesn't live here anymore. Hallmark isn't tattooed on my forehead. No one has to miss my coffee in the morning. If they want to continue family traditions I will be happy to oblige with no strings (of ribbon)... But if they want something different, Then I give that to them freely as a gift. I fully forgive. I will not hide with a box of kleenex and indulge in a pity party. I gladly and gratefully accept God's glorious gift of freedom. And so, I pass it on to the ones I love so much. We are ALL off the hook. This year I will know peace for the first time in 5 Christmases. 😊
|
|
|
Post by JeepGirl on Nov 25, 2016 3:28:53 GMT
Oh Wonderbugg, there is so much I would like to say to you. First and foremost.... please, please know that what was done to you in the past, were sins of others, not you. My heart broke when I read you had self-hatred and I know Jesus' heart was breaking too. I agree with lindajoan, satan has been having a field day with you and robbing you of all joy and plans God has for you. I loved your last post when you said you "...will accept God's glorious gift of freedom." You do have that freedom as long as you keep looking UP to Jesus. And both, you and I and all of our sisters here are "...new creations....the old has passed away and all things are new."
Just this week, I had some prayer time with Jesus because I was having a pity party about feeling rejected from doing a ministry at church. During my time with the Lord, and I really "listened"......HE reminded me that if HE wanted me to serve in that particular ministry, I would. No one could keep the door closed. HE also reminded me that "ministry" doesn't have to be in my church. It would be too long to go into details but, the next day, God provided a volunteer position for me doing what I always wanted to do, and even the possibility of it turning into a paid position in the future. This position is within the State government and even provides excellent, free training.
The correlation I am trying to make is that I could have continued with my pity party, probably getting an attitude about my church, and feeling that I am not wanted or good enough, blah, blah, blah (like in our estrangements) And, depression would set in and satan would be victorious. But, I turned to Jesus with my complaints, tears and feelings of inadequacy and asked for HIS help and direction. When we pray and seek HIS will, HE will be there and show us the way.
I haven't seen my es and grands for several Christmas' now, like you. And, I will confess that part of my tears the other day were about that also. And Jesus has been reminding me, ever so gently and lovingly, that I was not created for ME, but for HIM. Don't we forget that? It is, "Why is this happening to me?" and "Can you fix this for me, Jesus." "I don't like feeling like this." But, when I received this gentle rebuke, and then repented, within hours I discovered this opportunity to serve and, although not within my church, it truly will be a ministry. He always gives us far more than we could hope for.....usually once we are obedient.
Wonderbugg, keep on remembering WHO created you and how special you are. I pray for God's direction and blessings upon you. Happy Thanksgiving.
|
|
|
Post by bettyshe on Nov 25, 2016 13:11:27 GMT
Oh my what a beautiful and timely reminder to us all JeepGirl ! Wonderbugg, the enemy is having a field day with all of the negative emotions that come along with estrangement and the magnified rejections we feel during the holidays. I too am having a hard time knowing what to feel and where to put my energy during this time Of year. JeepGirl's anwer to you I believe was a message to us all to remember who we belong to. Her every word spoke to my heart and filled me with the joy of knowing that God has a plan for us all and that we must seek him at a deeper level always. JeekGirl I am so very happy for your outcome in this situation...God had better things in mind for His child. I'm printing your message out when I get home Jeep and carry it in my chest to get me thru the holidays and beyond, We Shall remember what we already know TURN TO JESUS!!! Press. Closer to Him. Thanking you Jewel for your strong faith in God...
|
|
|
Post by bettyshe on Nov 25, 2016 13:15:15 GMT
Should be thanking you Jeep for your strong reminder of faith.. autocorrect 😌
|
|
|
Post by wonderbugg on Nov 25, 2016 22:36:36 GMT
I have "ministry" this Christmas. Starting a free Christmas store at church for disadvantaged families. That will help loads. I have at least 250 toys saved up. This will take a week's time to set up, do and take down. Then off on our trip for a week. Both of these will help a lot. They will help me break the mindset that Christmas has to be here with dinner and family around the tree. Satan beats me up every year as I sit in my empty living room. My son comes by with his family on Christmas morning. It is very "hit and run". His children are severely autistic. 12 and 11. Diapers. No words. Can't say a single word. Don't play with toys. Lots of screaming though. Its all so stressful for them they don't stay long. His wife never has Christmas at her house. (I gave up on that). So the "fun" of old fashioned Christmas came from ED and 3 grandsons. That was 6 Christmases ago. But this year I'm giving Norman Rockwell the boot! I'm reframing Christmas. I'll let you know how it goes. So far I'm feeling pretty excited about it!😀
|
|
|
Post by lindajoan on Nov 25, 2016 23:22:35 GMT
I love your plan to give sacrificially to those in need this Christmas. This will bless the Lord and others.
|
|
|
Post by JeepGirl on Nov 26, 2016 4:44:37 GMT
You are right, Wonderbugg, but it will take "at least" a week to set up and take down. Get started now, girlfriend.(lol) But you will be blessed beyond anything you could imagine. I used to be a social worker with the Salvation Army and Thanksgiving and then Christmas distribution were my biggest projects of the year. I would often be there until late in the evening sorting food, clothes, toys, etc. One year I had to call my daughter in to help and some other family members because the deadline was close and there was still so much to do. But, by God's grace, we always made it in time. And always had extra. I wish I was close to you, I would be your helping hand.
You will also be tested, so pray for patience and to be a good Christian witness. Not everyone will truly be in need nor will everyone be grateful and appreciative. That is just the world we are in. But whether it is just one person, one family, or several families who come and are blessed by your ministry, it is so worth it. And even those who use the system can be touched by your love and kindness. And who knows what God will do. Something like this may grow into an ongoing ministry. People have needs throughout the year, not just Thanksgiving and Christmas. But, that is between you and Jesus. It is a big project and I pray for everything to flow smoothly for you and for God to raise up helpers, if needed, and to keep you healthy during these next weeks.
I am so excited for you and if I can be of help or give you some ideas, pm me or e-mail me. Remember, there are so many people out there who really want to donate and are also willing to help. If it is a "ministry", than cover it in prayer. Pray before, during and after and even with volunteers. Also, people who come in will open up to you and share their concerns and needs. Take the opportunity to pray with them if they are open. If not, tell them you will pray for them and you will see that few people refuse prayer. You probably already know most of the things I just shared and I don't mean to sound like a know-it-all, I only want to help and encourage you. God definitely has called you for such a time as this. Prayers and blessings...........
|
|