Saw ES

I wish the title of this post was positive but it is not.  My grandson had an important soccer game this weekend and, of course, dh and I went.  There were so many dynamics at that game that I don't even know how to write about it.

On the morning of the game, dd texted me twice.  In first text she said her dad and his wife were going (but I have learned to deal with them over the years).  A little later, I received a second text from dd saying my es and granddaughter may be going.  She said she texted him that I was going to be there and she didn't know for certain if he would be coming.  At the end of both texts, she said "Just giving you a heads up."  Sounds like she was concerned about me but my dd could be a poster child for a narcissist and, over the years, I have learned to understand her disorder and how to survive it.  Mostly, having no expectations.

The strange thing about all this, about 2 weeks ago my grandson, who was playing at the soccer game, said something interesting.   When I said I could finally watch him play (because most of his games were out of state), he replied, "I believe there will be a lot of people going to it."  I, now,know he was referring to family members.  But, my dd's kids never mention their uncle or cousins around me.  It is the elephant in the room.  I have no idea what they think.  My 10yr old granddaughter texts and face times her cousin all the time.  No clue how close my 14yr old gs and 16yr old gs are to their cousins.

My dh and I arrive at the field and my ex and his wife arrive at the same time and my es and gd were with them.  They walked in front of us toward seating area.  My gd turned and quickly looked back at us a few times.  This is the gd who turned her head on me in school when I was subbing there and in the spring tried to give her an 8th grade graduation gift.  My es has sent cards and gifts for kids back to me, has told me to leave his family alone and has called me hateful and cruel names (I am a "cancer", "evil", etc.).  I made the decision to honor his request and no more attempts at any communication. 

I sat next to my dd at the game and her dad sat on the other side.  My dd made lots of small talk with her dad and if I asked a question, she would answer me but did not initiate any conversation with me.  My dd's inlaws were also at the game and they talked to my ex all thru the game.  Usually, toward the end of a game, they come over to dh and I and try to make small talk.  Everyone there knew my estrangement situation and I felt like I was being watched the entire game.  My es stood behind us and just talked loudly to others there (so we could hear) and gd did not come over to me or say "hi".  It was the longest soccer game I ever attended.....just wanted it to end.

After the game, I felt like I was in shock, almost like PTS.  I had prayed in the car on the way to the game and even prayed during the game.  I believe God was with me or I might have just lost it but afterwards was just horrible.  I did not show any emotion during the game and I believe everyone thought I was handling it well.  Ha, Ha.   On the way home I just sat in the car and could not think or talk.  My dh was really concerned about me but there was nothing he could say or do to help me.  It was totally a physical/emotional state.  It even extended into Sunday.  If we weren't meeting friends at church, I would not have gone.  So glad I did because it helped me get out of that state.

Yesterday, I went to see my Christian counselor and it was the first time I questioned her.  She is usually so solid in her advice but, as we always say, if someone hasn't experienced estrangement, they really don't understand.    I didn't agree with her advice, but maybe I am still too emotional to think clearly.  Any of your thoughts, would be appreciated.  My counselor said, next time I should just go to a game and go up to everyone (ex, es, gd, etc.) and say "hi".   And she knows about the hateful e-mails I have received from my es and his warnings to stay away from his family.  Also, I have made all the usual attempts at communication/reconciliation throughout the years, to no avail.  She also felt that if my es still went to game, knowing I was going to be there, that it was a "positive".  I disagree.  My ex, who used Parental Alienation on my son for years, took pleasure in bringing them to the game and attempting to hurt me and I believe he encouraged my son in the same way.

I also made a decision not to subject myself to a situation like that again.  At the right time, I want to talk to my daughter and explain I just cannot go to games/functions with my es and family will be there.  I did it for my gs (who really had no clue what it was all about) and I have done it for a long time now.  Just don't want to go thru this again.

I apologize for this extremely long post.  Any thoughts about this past weekend?   I must say, this past summer, when I was working at the Jersey

Shore, in a Christian community I was at total peace.  Rarely thought about estrangement.  Now it is fall, back to subbing and all old feelings are back as well.