Hey, is this place dead?

This used to be very active, but something happened so that any time anyone posted or replied, those participating in the conversation didn't receive a notification email. I had to finagle several settings so that I could receive them again, but I'm not sure that anyone else is receiving them. So... it could be again, but it's not active now. I'd be happy to connect with you if you want to share. And, if you get a notification that I replied to you! ;-)

Gary,

I'm not sure that notifications are going through, as many of the active members here haven't been active in a while. I had to go into settings and search around in order to get notifications, but I don't know that everyone else has taken the time and effort to figure it out. All that to say, I may be the only voice answering you unfortunately.

I'm so very sorry to hear that yet another child or in your case, children, have chosen to estrange from their parents. It's so disheartening to think that we're so easily disposable to them, and, no matter what you may or may not have "done to them" as a parent, you do not deserve this treatment and disrespect. Once upon a time, being able to figure out how to get along with others despite hurt or anger was considered a sign of maturity. That's not often the case any more. Estrangement is happening more frequently and more quickly these days so personally, I don't think that this is so much a sign of bad parenting, instead, it's a battle between good and evil. Luke 12:53 says "They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law.” Jesus himself was despised and rejected so why should we expect it to be different and better for us?!?

We can't and we shouldn't. However, knowing that, even in light of being a follower of Jesus, doesn't make it one bit easier for someone who is grieving the loss of a living child. Because grieving is exactly what you're experiencing. You're second-guessing your decisions, words, actions and how it might've affected your relationship with your children. Even if you believe that you parented the best that you could, that many of those decisions were ones that you prayed over, it's still a slap in the face when your children walk away and leave you feeling that maybe there's a kernel of truth in what they say and feel about you. So how do you manage? How do you move on? How do you get through the hurt, anger, pain and uncertainty?

You've already done the most important thing - cry out to Jesus. He KNOWS your pain. He has experienced it himself. He is WITH YOU. He will get you through the long, hard days that are still yet to come. Because they will come, but it WILL get better. You and your wife will find that, even if it doesn't look the life you envisioned, it can still be a good life. Truly.

So... my advice for you:

Go back and read through some of the older posts here. You'll find that you're not alone. Many of us have weathered the same storm. Many here have cried out on their knees for God to be with them, to help them through the pain and sadness. Many have found that, if nothing else, this season in their life has caused them to draw close to God with a depth never anticipated. As for me, while I wouldn't wish estrangement on anyone, because of it, my need and desire to be near to God is the very best byproduct of it. Many on here have even gone on to be reconciled with their children, though not everyone, myself included.

Find one or two trusted individuals - maybe even a Christian counselor - to talk to. Even though the world is doing everything it can to crush traditional families, those of us estranged parents still mostly find ourselves looked at as if all the blame for the separation lies with us. It can be very lonely and isolating, so make sure you have someone who can give you some perspective and remind you of your worth. And surround yourself with people that have your back, especially each other. Only the two of you know what it feels like to miss your family, so be there for your wife on her bad days and share your feelings with her on your bad days. Don't pretend that everything is okay when it's not. Learn how to communicate so that you can both move through this and go forward together.

Find something that makes you feel like you. That sounds so new age-y, but it really just means that you give yourself an opportunity to immerse yourself in something that brings you peace, contentment and maybe even happiness. For me, that includes painting, travel, writing and reading; things I set aside when our children were younger. Painting and writing allow my creativity to flourish, which gives me confidence in myself. Travel opens my eyes to new adventures and gives me things to look forward to. My husband and I also serve on the production team at church, where we've learned new skills and met some amazing people. It's okay to feel all the feelings, it's just not okay to stay stuck in them. The best way to get unstuck is to live your life as bravely as possible!

Take care of yourself physically too. Eat healthy. Exercise. Get sleep. One of my best friend's husband died at age 41, leaving her with 2 young kids. I watched the stress take a toll on her body. Having been through a "living loss" with our son, I would venture to say that the stress from estrangement is pretty much on par with a physical death. More than one estranged parent has had serious illnesses brought on by that stress, so listen to your body!

Don't drag your non-estranged kids into it. They have feelings and issues that they're dealing with as well. Be the parent and support them as best you can. Trust me, they KNOW that you're hurting. They'd fix it if they could, but that's a lot of pressure for them already, and on top of their own concerns about the estrangement. They can support you however they want, but they shouldn't need to feel that it's their job to parent the parent. That doesn't mean that you can't talk about the estranged siblings, just make sure it's not negative and disparaging of them.

Finally, going back to what you're already doing... pray. Some days I can pray up a storm for our son and the situation, other days I can't or don't. My username here is a verse that God gave me to pray over him and some days that's the only prayer I pray. Some times I pray for long minutes over specifics for him and our family. And honestly, at this point, unless you still have contact with them in some form, prayer is all you can do. Prayer is within your control, even though everything else isn't. And speaking of control, remember always that God is in control. He has a plan for you and for your children. Let Him fulfill that plan. Pray for understanding, to listen and obey Him. To be firm, but to also give grace when necessary.

You will get through this.

Sending hugs and prayers to you and your wife,

Luke