I don't even know if I belong here
Sept 15, 2022 20:38:08 GMT
Post by luke2231 on Sept 15, 2022 20:38:08 GMT
LML,
UGH. I'm so sorry. I know it must be hard to feel and be left out of your daughter's life. Whether we never see our children or see them some, I know that it never feels often enough! The fact of the matter is, our children will probably always matter to us more than we do to them, because we've spent a majority of our lives focused on making sure that they were healthy and happy. We've got much more skin in the game than they do. It's not that they don't love us, but I believe that our expectations of a close relationship are greater than theirs is. And if you think about it, when you were that age, weren't you more focused and immersed in your own life than your parents' lives? I love my parents, but I'm not nearly as invested in their day to day long term as they have been in mine. It wasn't until I had children of my own that I really understood how they sacrificed for me, and in many ways, put my needs ahead of their own. That doesn't make it easy, but when we get to adulthood, our own lives start to take priority over the family life. My kids are some of my most favorite people in the world, and I would happily spend as much time with them as I could, but even in the best circumstances, I know that they want - and need - to have a life separate from my husband and me.
And as an only child, only daughter myself, in some ways I can relate to your daughter. At some point in my parenting (or even just adult) journey, I started to feel confidence in my own abilities; I didn't need the "okay" from my mom that I was handling certain situations correctly. I think that was very hurtful to my mom, because I stopped needing her advice as much. She needed me to need her, but similar to teenagers needing to pull away and learn to handle life without all the help, I was doing a much more grown-up version of that, and she felt unnecessary. That's not true, but she felt it. I however, couldn't be responsible for her happiness and feelings. I spent a lot of time trying to please everyone and it cost me dearly.
I know thet this isn't what you want to hear. I'm so sorry, but as I tell everyone who enters into some kind of eggshell-walking or estrangement, the best thing you can do is focus on your life. Make it the best it can be. I see how hurt you are, and I know that you wish you had more of your daughter's time. For my part, when I talk to my mom, it's very freeing to me when she rattles off all the fun and interesting things she's doing in her life. On the other hand, when she starts bringing up how I don't have time for her, I get anxious and feel only guilt. I AM NOT SAYING THAT THAT'S WHAT YOU DO, I only want you to try to maybe understand what your daughter might be hearing and feeling when you ask what's wrong. She might not be, and I hope so. I'm just offering my perspective as an only child girl speaking from my own experience. I also don't think that you need to offer explanations or apologies preemptively. If, at some point she brings something up and you know that it's a thing you may have done that needs an apology, then apologize. But offering before you know anything about anything forces her to look for the bad, to name a wrong, when she may not even have any!!!!
Our oldest son is the one who estranged. After he did, and without knowing what we "did" to make him drop all contact, I did an inventory of behaviors, reactions, habits, etc... that might have caused the estrangement. Bottom line: it takes two and I would salvage the relationship if I could, but since he needed to be present for that and wasn't, I decided to work on myself. I decided to live a life that made me happy. I can't be responsible (nor do I want to be) for anyone's else's happiness and health but my own. It's hard to do, hard to learn, but I am not the same person I was when he walked away. My other two kids would tell you that I'm much more relaxed, more hands off, and generally happier.
Again, you're not me, but use your situation to ask God what you can learn from this. Keep praying that you'll have wisdom to communicate with your daughter so that she can include you more in her adult life. Take stock of possible personal, family, or generational patterns of behavior and address the things you can control. Live a life that makes your daughter want to say, "hmmmm, that's how I want to be when I'm her age. She seems like she's fun and interesting to be around." In the meantime, hugs and prayers...
UGH. I'm so sorry. I know it must be hard to feel and be left out of your daughter's life. Whether we never see our children or see them some, I know that it never feels often enough! The fact of the matter is, our children will probably always matter to us more than we do to them, because we've spent a majority of our lives focused on making sure that they were healthy and happy. We've got much more skin in the game than they do. It's not that they don't love us, but I believe that our expectations of a close relationship are greater than theirs is. And if you think about it, when you were that age, weren't you more focused and immersed in your own life than your parents' lives? I love my parents, but I'm not nearly as invested in their day to day long term as they have been in mine. It wasn't until I had children of my own that I really understood how they sacrificed for me, and in many ways, put my needs ahead of their own. That doesn't make it easy, but when we get to adulthood, our own lives start to take priority over the family life. My kids are some of my most favorite people in the world, and I would happily spend as much time with them as I could, but even in the best circumstances, I know that they want - and need - to have a life separate from my husband and me.
And as an only child, only daughter myself, in some ways I can relate to your daughter. At some point in my parenting (or even just adult) journey, I started to feel confidence in my own abilities; I didn't need the "okay" from my mom that I was handling certain situations correctly. I think that was very hurtful to my mom, because I stopped needing her advice as much. She needed me to need her, but similar to teenagers needing to pull away and learn to handle life without all the help, I was doing a much more grown-up version of that, and she felt unnecessary. That's not true, but she felt it. I however, couldn't be responsible for her happiness and feelings. I spent a lot of time trying to please everyone and it cost me dearly.
I know thet this isn't what you want to hear. I'm so sorry, but as I tell everyone who enters into some kind of eggshell-walking or estrangement, the best thing you can do is focus on your life. Make it the best it can be. I see how hurt you are, and I know that you wish you had more of your daughter's time. For my part, when I talk to my mom, it's very freeing to me when she rattles off all the fun and interesting things she's doing in her life. On the other hand, when she starts bringing up how I don't have time for her, I get anxious and feel only guilt. I AM NOT SAYING THAT THAT'S WHAT YOU DO, I only want you to try to maybe understand what your daughter might be hearing and feeling when you ask what's wrong. She might not be, and I hope so. I'm just offering my perspective as an only child girl speaking from my own experience. I also don't think that you need to offer explanations or apologies preemptively. If, at some point she brings something up and you know that it's a thing you may have done that needs an apology, then apologize. But offering before you know anything about anything forces her to look for the bad, to name a wrong, when she may not even have any!!!!
Our oldest son is the one who estranged. After he did, and without knowing what we "did" to make him drop all contact, I did an inventory of behaviors, reactions, habits, etc... that might have caused the estrangement. Bottom line: it takes two and I would salvage the relationship if I could, but since he needed to be present for that and wasn't, I decided to work on myself. I decided to live a life that made me happy. I can't be responsible (nor do I want to be) for anyone's else's happiness and health but my own. It's hard to do, hard to learn, but I am not the same person I was when he walked away. My other two kids would tell you that I'm much more relaxed, more hands off, and generally happier.
Again, you're not me, but use your situation to ask God what you can learn from this. Keep praying that you'll have wisdom to communicate with your daughter so that she can include you more in her adult life. Take stock of possible personal, family, or generational patterns of behavior and address the things you can control. Live a life that makes your daughter want to say, "hmmmm, that's how I want to be when I'm her age. She seems like she's fun and interesting to be around." In the meantime, hugs and prayers...