klb
New Member
Posts: 1
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Post by klb on Aug 11, 2021 21:15:53 GMT
Hello,
I am new here but so glad to find this forum. To make a long story short about four months ago my adult son decided to alienate my husband and me from his life. There really was no reason except “we don’t accept him for him”. This came as a shock as we had no conversations surrounding his choices or lifestyle habits. We did not agree with everything he did but kept it to ourselves and prayed!! He has contacted us once for money for school and once I paid the bill I never heard back. He did not even contact me when my grandmother died. I recently learned of some significant signs of possible alcohol addiction. Our hearts are broken of this. My husband and I both had parents who were addicted and consistently talked openly with our kids about this. I’m torn between this is my fault, addiction and/or a mental health issue (he has struggled with depression in the past). We seriously think he is living with his girlfriend. This is my child who had this incredible passion for God since he was a child…who felt called into missions as a teen…who spent a month in Kenya on a mission trip when he was 16. It all feels surreal.
The emotional pain is indescribable. I find it hard to function in life, at my job, and emotionally overall. It’s like this part of me has been cut out, I’m in the dark and I don’t know how to get out.
What I do know is though I’m not feeling it…I know and have experienced the goodness of God so many times in my life and I keep reminding myself that he not only always brings me through but works it out for the good. It’s just that this time….it’s getting hard to keep keep ahold of this promise.
I’m open to thoughts and suggestions!! Thank you!!
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Post by luke2231 on Aug 14, 2021 4:45:09 GMT
Klb,
Welcome! Welcome to the “club” that no one ever envisions they’ll be a part of, and yet, it’s membership (I read recently) is becoming close to a quarter of the population in the Western Hemisphere. In other words, you are not alone with your fears, doubts, hurt and unbelief. My heart hurts for anyone who has to go through this, but know that you are among others who pray for and encourage each other.
About your son… your story, although unique in its ways, is actually pretty common - a child who was once very close to you and strong in his or her faith, leaves home, and is seduced by the world. Not because you didn’t give him a strong foundation, but because evil disguises itself and draws someone in little by little, until suddenly, there’s a real crisis of faith, and that young, loving son or daughter is disillusioned with how hard it is to maintain a strong faith when the world is saying “That’s stupid and wrong. Just grow up already and do what the cool kids do.” River rocks were once jagged but they become worn by the slightest yet constant pressure of the water. Your son is finding it too difficult to continue to be that flicker of light in a world increasingly dominated by darkness. My theory about estrangement is this: on the deepest level, your son, my son, and all those other sons and daughters raised in Christian homes that have walked away from their families, know in their heart of hearts that they’ve made some choices that don’t align with what they know to be the truth. His truth. Eternal truth. And rather than face this, rather than see and feel the disappointment of those who love them most, it’s easier to just ignore those people. You. Me. Brothers and sisters, grandparents. Anyone that would hold a mirror up to their soul to show them that’s not who they really are. Because that would mean they’d have to take responsibility for the consequences of those poor choices. It’s simply easier and more convenient to blame and ignore you.
So what do you do then when your heart is shattered into a million pieces and you don’t want to face the world? When your friends look like they have “Hallmark” lives and yours is anything but? First, and you’re already on the right track, realize that “the goodness of God” is part of this estrangement. I don’t want to seem patronizing, and while I wish our son had never stopped any contact, if it weren’t for this estrangement, I honestly don’t think that I would have the deeper relationship with Him that I do today. I don’t think that I would experience a peace I didn’t know was possible in my life. Is every day full of sunshine and puppies? No, but it’s still GOOD. Some days are unbearable yet somehow I bear them. You will too.
A piece of advice someone gave me at the start of my estrangement was to find myself again. That sounds so new agey and hokey, but especially as mothers, we become so wrapped up in being “mom” that we forget we’re also so many other wonderful things as well. Remember when you were growing up and some things just made you feel like you had purpose? You were happy and glad or relaxed and at peace when you did them? Ice skating? Playing piano? Reading books? Painting? Tennis? Photography? What was it that you absolutely loved to do? What brought joy into your days? Whatever it was, DO THAT. Do the things that center you, that help you push away the sadness just enough so that your perspective can shift and you’ll see this isn’t about you - it’s about the turmoil in his soul.
It FEELS like it’s a reflection of your parenting, and that may be what he’s telling himself, but it’s about avoiding you so he can figure out who he really is. Let him. Free will and all that,… God allows us to make our own choices for our lives, so do the same for your son. Easier said than done, I know, but it’s a time and God-tested strategy. God has a plan for you and your husband, and for your son and it ends in victory! In the meantime, treat yourself as you would your best friend. Cry for a little bit and then pick yourself up and do the things that bring you joy. Give yourself grace over any parenting mistakes. That’s why they’re called mistakes! And above all, keep yourself steeped in His Word. Be willing to listen and learn and grow in the midst of this unwanted challenge.
Sending you hugs and prayers. Xoxo
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Post by everloving11 on Aug 14, 2021 13:39:19 GMT
I am so sorry for your pain, klb. Our son esranged himself from us for 5 years. Even though it's been a year since our son returned to us, he still hasn't returned to the Lord. He does acknowledge Him and allows us to share what God is doing in our lives and even what I see God doing in his. Actually, I have peace that God has this under control. So I wait...and pray...and love.
Meanwhile, why am I still here in this group? Because, sometimes it feels like I am walking on eggshells emotionally with our son. Also, I want to extend hope and encourage all who are still going through this thing called estrangement. Everything Luke2231 says is so true.
One thing that God shared really assured and encouraged me. After the initial shock and ensuing buckets of tears, I was ready to listen to Him. I went before Abba and asked Him if He even understood what I was going through. What He said forever changed me: "Daughter, I have done even worse than what your son did to you. I estranged Myself from My Son on the cross. I turned My back on Him as he cried out, 'My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?' He did nothing wrong; He did everything to obey Me. Yet, I estranged Myself from Him --- for you." Yes, Abba does understand and He experienced the horror of those awful hours of separation. I knew I wasn't alone in this. And He has never left me nor forsaken me. He has, instead, increased my trust in Him and given me profound peace. I pray the same for you, klb.
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Mary
New Member
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Post by Mary on Nov 8, 2021 23:43:21 GMT
Thank you everloving & LindaJoan for sharing your experiences and suffering. I hope my son comes back to me but for now I am working on growing closer to God. It's super hard because my life (since I was in my 20's) revolved around my children. Pray for me please.
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Post by luke2231 on Nov 29, 2021 21:00:25 GMT
Mary,
I'm so very sorry you're going through this too. I think we all gave so much of ourselves to our children that it feels utterly horrible, like a real death, that our children have done this. I will definitely pray for you. I pray for all of us. Sending love and hugs....
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