Reconciliation
Nov 11, 2019 4:37:30 GMT
Post by JeepGirl on Nov 11, 2019 4:37:30 GMT
Hi Everyone, I had mixed emotions about coming on here and sharing. Not that long ago, I believe I expressed my feelings but I will, again, because I need to. When members would post about their reconciliations we would all express how happy were were and, of course, praise and thanks to the Lord because we all knew only HE could heal these fractured relationships with our adult children. However, I recall truly being happy for their reconciliations but, also, at the same time, envious and would say to myself, "But, what about me, Lord?" I am ashamed to admit the latter but I really want to be truthful and I think others may have felt that the same way, at times and maybe not. I wish I could have simply been happy for one of our sisters and not be envious at all.
Because of "my" feelings, I hesitated to post tonight because it appears reconciliation has begun. But, I also felt, I wanted to share with each of you because this was where I could come on my worst days and always received encouragement and would leave feeling so much better and that people understood and cared. I could also come here and, at times, be able to encourage others and leave knowing I helped somebody get through their bad day. Those of you who know me, know it has been many years, maybe ten, that I haven't spoken with my son. I went through those first e-mails, texts and saying all the things I wish I didn't say or do but did whatever out of desperation. My son also came to a point where he would not let me see my grands even though we were so close for years. Those were the worst years of my estrangement and the times I hurt the most. My heart was so broken, I was grieving the loss of my son and my grands. Of course, there were ups and downs and whenever I thought I was doing pretty good, one of those times would come upon me where I became sad and depressed and felt everything was hopeless. There the times I was begging and crying out to God for reconciliation. There were times I was a physical mess and also an emotional mess. I first came onto this site when it was on Daily Strength and then when this group moved here, I was one of the faithful ones. I needed and depended on this estrangement group. Many times, it was my lifeline. So, I wanted to come here, now, as it looks like my heartbreaking estrangement journey is coming to an end and I see so much hope going forward.
I mentioned a few weeks ago that my es and I have been talking a little bit at my grandson's football games. It began when I looked at my son and simply said, "Hi". I know that you understand the depth of that small gesture and his simple "hi" back to me. I have no problem that I initiated that encounter. I may have been more hard-hearted in the beginning of our estrangement with an attitude that my es would have to make the first move. However, so many years have taught me so much. And so many years have matured me, especially as a Believer. God is not interested in who did what to who or who said what to who. He simply tells us to forgive. Forgiveness may be one of the hardest commandments to obey at times but, as Believers, we really don't have a choice. And I know the Lord wanted the story of the Prodigal Son in His Word for a reason...to show us how to welcome our children back home.
Speaking at the football games continued and it went from football talk to talk about cars, grandkids, etc. My granddaughter (son's daughter) was hanging with me the other day and mentioned that she was surprised to see us talking to her dad at the game. I had made the decision that I would not mention our little conversations to anyone, not his kids, my dd or anyone. If he wanted anyone to know anything, he could tell them. After the game, she asked her dad if he was going to be talking to us again, and he said, "We will have to see what happens." My granddaughter and her boyfriend were coming to our house today to ride the quad and help with my horse. I texted her that her dad and mom were welcome to come too and told her she could send my text to her to her dad so she would not be in the middle. Well, this afternoon she texted me that they "Were ALL on their way over." Need I say how I felt? It was the day we all are waiting for. Just our small conversations, seemed to lift the cloud that was hanging over me all these years but today, the sun broke through and the sky was totally blue and no clouds.
No conversation today about our estrangement and I know that can be good and not so good. Here is how I feel. I believe God did this (in HIS time) and I am going to allow HIM to lead me as we walk forward. If talk is needed, HE will provide the opportunity and make me aware that discussion is needed. Until then, I will go forward as the woman HE has changed me into and pray I continue to hear and obey HIM. It is all about LOVE and FORGIVENESS. I am so grateful for the second chance HE has given me and all glory to the LORD.
Being at this point is the best. I don't want to think about what happened in the past or about what might happen in the future. I want to live in the moment(s) God gives me and spend my time counting my blessings for each day. Thank you so much Linda for having this site and always being so faithful. And Thank You to each of my special friends here. You have shown such concern and love and I know God will honor you for that. I will be checking in from time to time because I want to be around for each reconciliation that occurs here and truly share in your joy, 100%. All my love and prayers to each and everyone of you. Joanna
Because of "my" feelings, I hesitated to post tonight because it appears reconciliation has begun. But, I also felt, I wanted to share with each of you because this was where I could come on my worst days and always received encouragement and would leave feeling so much better and that people understood and cared. I could also come here and, at times, be able to encourage others and leave knowing I helped somebody get through their bad day. Those of you who know me, know it has been many years, maybe ten, that I haven't spoken with my son. I went through those first e-mails, texts and saying all the things I wish I didn't say or do but did whatever out of desperation. My son also came to a point where he would not let me see my grands even though we were so close for years. Those were the worst years of my estrangement and the times I hurt the most. My heart was so broken, I was grieving the loss of my son and my grands. Of course, there were ups and downs and whenever I thought I was doing pretty good, one of those times would come upon me where I became sad and depressed and felt everything was hopeless. There the times I was begging and crying out to God for reconciliation. There were times I was a physical mess and also an emotional mess. I first came onto this site when it was on Daily Strength and then when this group moved here, I was one of the faithful ones. I needed and depended on this estrangement group. Many times, it was my lifeline. So, I wanted to come here, now, as it looks like my heartbreaking estrangement journey is coming to an end and I see so much hope going forward.
I mentioned a few weeks ago that my es and I have been talking a little bit at my grandson's football games. It began when I looked at my son and simply said, "Hi". I know that you understand the depth of that small gesture and his simple "hi" back to me. I have no problem that I initiated that encounter. I may have been more hard-hearted in the beginning of our estrangement with an attitude that my es would have to make the first move. However, so many years have taught me so much. And so many years have matured me, especially as a Believer. God is not interested in who did what to who or who said what to who. He simply tells us to forgive. Forgiveness may be one of the hardest commandments to obey at times but, as Believers, we really don't have a choice. And I know the Lord wanted the story of the Prodigal Son in His Word for a reason...to show us how to welcome our children back home.
Speaking at the football games continued and it went from football talk to talk about cars, grandkids, etc. My granddaughter (son's daughter) was hanging with me the other day and mentioned that she was surprised to see us talking to her dad at the game. I had made the decision that I would not mention our little conversations to anyone, not his kids, my dd or anyone. If he wanted anyone to know anything, he could tell them. After the game, she asked her dad if he was going to be talking to us again, and he said, "We will have to see what happens." My granddaughter and her boyfriend were coming to our house today to ride the quad and help with my horse. I texted her that her dad and mom were welcome to come too and told her she could send my text to her to her dad so she would not be in the middle. Well, this afternoon she texted me that they "Were ALL on their way over." Need I say how I felt? It was the day we all are waiting for. Just our small conversations, seemed to lift the cloud that was hanging over me all these years but today, the sun broke through and the sky was totally blue and no clouds.
No conversation today about our estrangement and I know that can be good and not so good. Here is how I feel. I believe God did this (in HIS time) and I am going to allow HIM to lead me as we walk forward. If talk is needed, HE will provide the opportunity and make me aware that discussion is needed. Until then, I will go forward as the woman HE has changed me into and pray I continue to hear and obey HIM. It is all about LOVE and FORGIVENESS. I am so grateful for the second chance HE has given me and all glory to the LORD.
Being at this point is the best. I don't want to think about what happened in the past or about what might happen in the future. I want to live in the moment(s) God gives me and spend my time counting my blessings for each day. Thank you so much Linda for having this site and always being so faithful. And Thank You to each of my special friends here. You have shown such concern and love and I know God will honor you for that. I will be checking in from time to time because I want to be around for each reconciliation that occurs here and truly share in your joy, 100%. All my love and prayers to each and everyone of you. Joanna