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Post by JeepGirl on Oct 4, 2019 1:48:11 GMT
I have been estranged from my estranged son for 10 years. I saw my grands in the beginning but, after a while, and a face-to-face confrontation with my es, he said I could no longer see my grandchildren. My granddaughter was in middle school and my grandson in high school at that time. A little over a year ago, I began talking with grands but still not speaking to my es. I also saw my es at a football game a few weeks ago and said "hi" to him. But, honestly, I have no expectations although I made the effort to say "hi" rather than turn my head like a did a year ago when we were also at a football game.
I really believe I have softened, especially after these past few years. Maybe having communication with my grands has something to do with it but I believe my heart had softened before that. In the beginning, I don't have to tell you about all the emotions, pain, hurt, anger, etc. You all know. You have been there. But after a while I realized I had a part in the estrangement and thought about what I could have done differently. I had to get off of the secular estrangement sites because many times there was so much anger and bitterness and no acceptance that they may have played a part in their estrangements. There were demands for apologies before they would talk to their ec.
Being Christians, we have feelings of anger, bitterness, unforgiveness, etc. just like non-Believers. The difference is, if we stay in the Word, hear the Word in our churches, and seek God's will, we come the point where we know we have to forgive and have to extend grace. It may take a while because of the shock, extreme pain and hurt we feel at first. When I asked for your thoughts about including my es in my Will, I accepted the suggestion that I should leave my es something, not as much as my dd, but something. I actually felt that was the right thing to do and I wanted him to see that I didn't just cross him out. Prayerfully, he will someday realize that I showed him grace in response to the hate he has shown me and although we do not talk, he is still my son and I love him.
So, I believe I have changed for the better from all of the years of estrangement. Never would have thought this would be the result. I am so glad I allowed the Lord to do a work in me. Prayers and Love... |
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Post by lindajoan on Oct 4, 2019 13:13:48 GMT
God bless you for sharing this honest and beautiful post. Your words remind me how Jesus treats us. He ministers grace to us,His lost, stubborn, wandering, stubborn sheep. We could all go on ,in praise, how God’s grace changed us from death to life and continues to lead us closer to Jesus and His image. What He has allows to come into our lives is always meant to draw us to Him (not farther from Him and to be used for our good in our lives (not for evil).
8 years ago whenm our ED left home with lies and rewritten history about us (especially my dear husband) there wasn’t anger and condemnation but there was lots of pain and sadness in our lives. It was a true loss and heartbreaking. We did not blame God but we knew this world and the enemy seeks to destroy us not only in the loss of a child but in every way and we all wear those scars. Do
we not?
What would we do without the Lord?
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Post by luke2231 on Oct 4, 2019 14:18:16 GMT
How have I changed? Wow, I think I could write a book! Maybe I kind of am... 😉 Like you, JeepGirl, in some respects, I've softened. A lot. In our case personally, I think many of our estrangement issues have to do with our DIL's personal history and need to be in control. I believe our son is estranging us in order to keep her happy. I have kept emails between us, and I believe that if we ever had to go to a counselor or arbitrator, those emails would prove this. However, unlike in the past, I have no interest now in proving my rightness. I still have my days, but more and more I'm learning to pray for her as much as I pray for our son. In other ways, I'm not as soft as I used to be. I have always been a severe people pleaser, not able to set boundaries, speak my mind and ask for what I need. I'm learning to stand up for myself. Because I'm a people pleaser, this hardening has been more difficult than learning to choose grace. This failing within me was, I believe, part of the cause of the estrangement. There are certain times I should have stood up, to my son, my DIL, as well as others, but I didn't. Instead, there were expectations that weren't communicated and hard feelings all around. At first, I kept asking God "why me?" But now, while I wouldn't necessarily go as far as to say that I'm grateful for the estrangement, I do know that it's drawn me so much closer to Him than would've happened otherwise. For that, I'm filled with understanding and gratitude. There's this Japanese art form called kintsugi. If a piece of pottery or dish has been broken, a master potter will take a special epoxy mixed with gold dust, then glue the cracks back together. The finished piece is often much more beautiful than the original. This has been a metaphor for how I feel about my life. I've been broken, but God didn't just discard me. Instead, He's repairing me, refining me and creating something more wonderful than the original. I wouldn't have chosen this, but if the goal is to be more like Him, and have a deeper relationship with Him, well, then, I guess it's working out the way it's supposed to... xoxo |
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Post by everloving11 on Oct 5, 2019 14:48:49 GMT
I agree with you all! Definitely, it has changed my perspective with others --- I am much less judgmental and softer. It has showed me that hope isn't something we generate within ourselves, but something that is a gift. I have learned more about our Father...and me. In other words, I think I am a better person that I was 4 years ago when this all started --- and better than even before that. Training is never accomplished overnight --- it takes years and years of repeated, consistent living in a new attitude. Like Paul's thorn in the flesh in II Corinthians 12, our estrangement reminds us of who we are and who God is --- and our response to trials, persecutions, injustices, hurts, etc. You can't learn this from a book or others --- you have to experience all this yourself. I thank God that He brings (walks beside) us through all these problems and doesn't expect us to find a way around them on our own.
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Post by lindajoan on Oct 8, 2019 12:28:14 GMT
I was reading an article written by a 32 year old teacher who was facing death. She said in her short life the most important life’s lesson she learn r and wanted to share was ‘to let go of the
insignificant things’.
We have faced a major life changing altering situation which taught me not to major in the minor. Lord give us your strength and grace.
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Post by JeepGirl on Oct 9, 2019 1:09:41 GMT
AMEN, Linda. Thanks for sharing. We need these real important reminders. Prayers being sent up for you.
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