Thanksgiving and Christmas, They are Coming

You are so right. Things have changed with estrangement. I find that the best thing to do on the holidays is to be with family or friends that want to be with you. I like your ideas of finding programs that center on the true meaning of the season. I know it makes us sad to miss the loved ones who are missing though.

renate9
If you lived by me I would have you over because every holiday it's just me and my husband. My siblings don't talk to me bc of my EC and test of family is deceased.

It has taken me a very long time to get to where I am now, but i refuse to let my EC ruin my love of the holidays. It isnt what I would wish it to be, but I will find activities , events and simple decorations and foods that i love and enjoy the days and focus on the spiritual significance of the days. I have spent Christmas alone more than once. I must have peace and quiet joy in my life, despite my daughters horrible behavior. Blessings

Thank you and may you also have many blessings this holiday season. I have good days and bad days, i think it got so bad i knew i had to do something or go crazy. I had to take care of me. I have no idea how this will play out.........There was a couple i knew...they had been estranged from one of their children, I do not know the details really. The couple were killed in a car accident. That daughter will forever have to live with the fact that many years were wasted, no matter whose fault it was........I do not want to waste MY years....whether my daughter is in them or not. The porch lights on..........but i no longer spend much of my time glancing out the window .....Blessings 

Jeep,

I totally understand where you're coming from, from both sides actually. The past couple years we've travelled for Thanksgiving, and it did my heart a world of good because I had something I was doing, something different, something that kept my mind occupied, something I could look forward to in the weeks before.

On the other hand, when we did that, it left my mom and dad all alone, and I felt a big bunch of guilt because of it.

All that to say, your daughter probably did already decide, but may feel some guilt leaving you "alone," especially because she knows her brother isn't an option for you. And knowing he isn't makes it worse for her.

I'm an only child, and there aren't a lot of relatives my parents can do things with if I'm not there, but sometimes I have to do what's right for me and my husband. I was in such pain over the holidays the last couple of years that I needed to get away. I'm sure it was hurtful for my mom especially, but even though she's estranged from my son - her grandson - it's not the same thing. While I'm not saying YOU do this, my parents are pretty good at guilting me, even if it's not spoken.

For me, the more time passes with the estrangement, the more I vow to find and do new things that make life interesting and while I wouldn's necessarily say exciting, things that keep me looking forward, if that makes sense. I want to make new friendships, experience new things, learn new things, etc... I wish my parents didn't put all their eggs into my basket, because when they do, I feel so guilty when I don't deliver that basket.

I've kind of gotten off on a tangent (sorry!) but I'm putting myself in your daughter's shoes maybe. I am absolutely not saying that you "deserve" to be alone this holiday, and I know you already do, but try to put yourself in your daughter's position of perhaps feeling obligated and torn between making everyone happy.

I can never make everyone happy, this I know. I hope you're not upset with this. I know you're a good mom and hurting, and this feels like another slap in the face. However, I don't think she means it that way; I think she just needs to put herself first - as we all do - on occasion.

Hugs and prayers for us all...

Thank you lindajoan. And, Luke, I appreciate what you said and how you are kind of in my dd's shoes regarding your parents. Intellectually, I understand that but emotionally, I feel differently. I also know, saying the right responses to our adult children is very important. Well, I guess because I didn't make a big deal to her about spending Thanksgiving with her dad, she must have relaxed and then gave some more thought to the holidays.'

Yesterday, she called me on the phone and said, "MOM, didn't you 'claim Christmas' last year for this year? She just caught me off-guard. And although we were there for morning brunch, which has become somewhat of a tradition, I vaguely do remember saying something similar to that last year. She spends Christmas Eve with her dad and step mom and last year she went to her in-laws on Christmas afternoon for dinner. So, I do recall saying something to the affect that I would like to have Christmas Day sometime. Well, now I got it(lol). I hesitated when she first mentioned coming to our house for Christmas and she said "Don't you want to make dinner for us?" Really?? I said, "Of course, and I will look forward to it." The truth is, at this point in my life, I really will enjoy having them but preparing the dinner is not exciting for me. I am not big on cooking or baking. But, my dh says when I do cook or bake, everything is really good.

So, I got upset thinking about the holidays and now we are going out-of-state for Thanksgiving and I am having my dd and family for Christmas. We also have a single male friend and extended an invitation for him to join us for Christmas dinner and he couldn't say "yes" fast enough. I may invite some others, now (lol)

I do think we need to take steps during those difficult holidays which seem to enhance our estrangements. And we can be a blessing to others in the process.