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Post by annabelle03 on Jun 24, 2017 9:38:15 GMT
The short version is that this next week and a half, my two estranged adult sons and their families are visiting my brother and his family (who live in the same town as I do), then driving 4 hrs to visit my elderly mother, and then driving to Myrtle Beach, SC (about an 8 hr drive) to spend a week together. My older son has two daughters, ages 11 and 7 (whom I have never met). I younger son I have limited contact with, and we were invited to visit them in San Diego back in March (the first invitation in about 3 years). My younger son will not return phone calls, but occasionally texts. During our March visit, my son informed us about the upcoming trips. When I said I would love for them to visit for a few days, he said quickly, "We are coming to visit you, for one day! And two nights!" I know I should be happy about the visit, but I feel so left out of the other time. When we were in San Diego, there was a photo of my brother and his wife surrounded by my two sons, their wives, and my 4 granddaughters. My brother is aware of the hurt from the long-standing estrangement from my sons, but has perversely insinuated himself into my sons' families and lives. He has two sons, one who is gay, and one who is adopted (who has always been difficult for my sister-in-law to accept). It is like my brother and his wife have taken my 4 granddaughters for their own, (not that all children don't need as many people to love them as possible) but have also made sure to exclude me. There is a long history of patterns of estrangement in my family and extended family, and my brother does not communicate with me at all, except to write an annual scathing letter. I am struggling to find peace in this situation, and not to be consumed with distress/hurt/anger about being left out of the beach week. Sometimes I think it would be better to just not see my younger son at all, rather than having an occasional "crumb" of a visit. Both my DILs love money, and my brother controls the purse-strings on a large future inheritance. I feel like my heart is breaking and I didn't think it could break any more. This doesn't include all the details, but the gist is that my brother has the opportunity to help with reconciliation, but instead has chosen to take advantage of the estrangement for his own gain. Families are complicated, and there are some dynamics that my brother has perpetuated from my father, who was a very cruel man. My brother greatly admired all aspects of my father, and has modeled himself after him. I somehow was the family "scapegoat", and the recipient of a lot of unkindness while I was growing up. This very skewed dynamic of my growing up years, which I tried so very hard to not repeat with my own children, has ironically worked against me, and I continue to be "scapegoated" and now estranged from my own sons. I have written letters asking for forgiveness, I have tried to reach out to my sons, and have asked them to call at their convenience so that we can talk, but no response. I sometimes think that I would never have had children, if I had had any idea about the rejection from not one, but both, of them. I know there is nothing that can be said. I just needed to vent, I guess, and to share my heartache with others who understand. Some of my friends say to be happy, that at least I am getting to see one of my sons. Maybe I would feel good about it, if I didn't know about all the time being spent with other family, and without an invitation including me. Anyway, thanks for listening and please pray for me, that my heart would not be so paralyzed by grief.
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Post by luke2231 on Jun 24, 2017 14:14:47 GMT
Annabelle,
I'm so very sorry about your situation. It must be so difficult to, as you say, live with crumbs from your one son, knowing just enough, but not nearly enough about both of their lives. And to have your brother treat you as he does, "borrowing" the role of doting grandparent from you... UGH.
Also, your friends saying that you should be happy that you at least have one son in your life still. Father forgive them, because they haven't got a clue. Saying that to you is like saying to a someone who has lost a parent, sibling, or child to death, that "at least" you have the other parent, sibling or child. As if having one negates the impact of the loss of the other. They really DON'T understand, so chalk it up to their ignorance and inexperience.
I know you know this already, but I would focus on two things: prayer and intercession for the wholeness of your family. God is more than able to put together something out of chaos (He created the entire universe!). Second, take care of yourself. Whatever means you have to do the things you enjoy doing, do them. If it's reading, get involved in a book club. If it's animals, volunteer at an animal shelter. If it's hiking, join a hiking club. Get out of the house, return to the things that, a lifetime ago before kids, you did that brought you purpose, joy and excitement. Fill up that vacuum left by your children & grandchildren with activities and experiences that help propel you forward, instead of backward into a big hole of "what if's, why's and should's." Doing these things may or may not eventually change your relationship with your boys, but even if it doesn't, you will have control of your happiness, not them!
To my way of thinking, them estranging from you is (supposedly) because they think they can be happier without you in their lives. If they can demand and expect happiness for themselves, then by all means, so can you!!! While I'm not advocating forgetting them, I'm simply saying that in moving forward, learning to be "content in all situations," you're still being the parent, showing them that despite living through one of the worst and most painful experiences in life, YOU can still have a good life. YOU can still be happy. YOU can still control how you react in the face of horrible odds. Maybe YOU living your best life will cause them to wonder what is wrong with them and not you.
Pray for God to give you the wisdom to know how to move forward with grace and assurance. He doesn't want you stuck and "paralyzed with grief." He wants the best life for you!!!
Believe me, I don't have all the answers (or even a fraction of them!), and I have more days when I'm humbled by my estrangement than not. But I would rather take 2 steps forward, 20 steps back, and then another step forward, because I know God is there alongside me even in those 20 steps back. I want to use this pain to be more like Him. I too, have a family history of estrangements, so I often ask Him how He wants to refine me through this.
We're all dealt difficult things in life and the goal (I think) is to learn to overcome those things by relying on His will and His timing. I wish it were easier and less painful, but it's not. My heart goes out to you and I'll keep you in my prayers. We're all here for each other because it so helps having others who understand and pray for and with us. Know that you are in good, loving company here. Hugs!
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Post by byhisgracealone on Jun 24, 2017 16:45:36 GMT
Hi annabelle. You were so right when you said families are complicated. I think sadly, many of us have estrangements in our family histories. Whenever we hear of our estranged children visiting and enjoying time with other family members, while we've been left out of the gathering, it is very painful. I have two beautiful grandchildren who I haven't seen in years, but my ED and SIL allow them to visit my ex-husband and his wife (who enjoys being grandma to my grandchildren.) It's very sad that my beautiful grandchildren don't know me, their true grandmother, who loves them very much.
I agree with luke, I think the adversities that come our way in life, as painful as some of them are, God allows, so we fall at His feet, and give Him everything. Our heart, our mind, and our prayers and dreams for our families. I'll keep you in my prayers, that God will soften the heart of your sons, and they will realize how short life really is, and kindness toward their mother, is a gift both for the giver and the receiver. Blessings....
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Post by brokenmama on Jun 24, 2017 18:47:53 GMT
annabelle...our stories are quite a bit similar. I have one adult child that i never see (and grandbaby)...I have one adult child with whom i have a very shaky relationship. I was helping the adult child i do see this week....their spouse is out of town for work reasons.......this child of mine was so horribly rude and cruel...........i fixed food for them, he refused it "i dont need nothing from YOU".....he threw me out of his house when i went by to see the grandchild.......i was "stressing him out".....My sweet precious grandchild was asking me...Grammy can you stay and play with me? Sweet pure innocent little smile....i had to tell him Grammy had to go, but i would see him soon........This was odd, strange and horrible behavior. There were NO problems, no issues...he was just angry and i was at fault!....... I told my child "i am not your scapegoat. Whatever you are dealing with, I am not here to take all the blame and punishment for any problems you may be having".....My ex alienated my children from me and i was always the scapegoat. They would come at me like raging animals.......I dont have a solution to it or to our broken hearts. I fear losing the grandchildren who i love more than my own life..........I do believe in God, prayer and i know He is at work, but honestly sometimes it feels like i will die of grief......I do things to distract myself........reading, movies, etc........I can only say set firm loving limits if you have to, take very good care of yourself and know that God sees all this ..........I am saying a prayer for you just now....Blessings
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Post by bettyshe on Jun 24, 2017 19:10:49 GMT
Anna, I said a prayer for your peace of mind as you go thru the pain of estrangement. My heart too is heavy for what we endure. It is good to have a place where you are understood, prayed for and encouraged.Lord help us all, in the name of Jesus.
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Post by lindajoan on Jun 24, 2017 19:18:55 GMT
Annabelle, I am so sorry to hear you are going through this pain. We understand and are here for you. It makes estrangement so much harder when a family member enters in like this to give their support to the EC. It is not God's way.
We will keep you in prayer. Please come here to share. We care and understand.
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Post by annabelle03 on Jun 24, 2017 21:23:22 GMT
Thanks to everyone for your encouragement, prayers, words of wisdom, and inspiration to keep my focus on Jesus. I really find it helpful to know that you all understand and care, and have valuable perspectives. Thanks again!
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Post by JeepGirl on Jul 3, 2017 3:15:06 GMT
annabelle03, So many of us here truly understand your heartache and we even have very similar situations. I pray we can be an encouragement to you. The best advice has been given here...to pray. Continuously pray and stay in the Word. That is where your strength will come from. When I stray from reading and praying, I become weaker and the enemy seems to be right there to remind of my estrangement and losses. But God knows our pain and sorrow and He will walk with us through all our heartache until reconciliation occurs. We need to cling to Him during these times.
So glad you found us. We hurt with you and want to be here for you. Prayers for peace and strength to keep going forward and to continue to place your trust and faith in our Lord.
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