aimee
New Member
Posts: 4
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Post by aimee on May 8, 2017 18:13:51 GMT
My daughter, who is 18 and a senior in high school, cut off contact with EVERYONE in her life except her boyfriend and his family. For the past almost 4 months we did not know where she was living or if she was safe. I would go looking for her and stake out her boyfriend's home but came up with nothing. On my last attempt to find her, God laid "Be still and know that I am God" on my heart. I was obedient and stopped all efforts to find her. Then yesterday friends gave us the news that they had found her...she is living with her boyfriend and his family. While we are so glad she is safe, these people have refused to speak with us and they believe the lies my daughter is telling. She suffers from depression, general anxiety disorder, borderline personality disorder, and OCD. She is a compulsive/pathological liar and so they have no idea what they are dealing with. I miss my daughter and only want her to be well and happy....and would love to see or talk to her from time to time. Anyone been through something similarand have any suggestions on what our next move should be? Read more: lookingforgodshelp.freeforums.net/thread/145/#ixzz4gVos5DTg
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Post by byhisgracealone on May 8, 2017 20:21:48 GMT
Hi aimee, I think many estranged parents can relate to what's happening to you now, in one way or another. Most of our adult children who've chosen to walk away from those who love them, have to lie and re-create their childhood to those who weren't there, in order to have the effect on people's emotions that, for whatever reason, they seem to need. Sometimes, even those who WERE there, and who should know better, play along as not to risk getting the cold shoulder and find themselves also estranged, or because they also have something against the parent that's being estranged, and it brings them a sick kind of joy to help cause pain to the estranged parent. It's a terribly complicated emotional mess. I used to work with a really wonderful, sweet woman, whose son began dating a girl who complained about her mother all the time. Eventually, my co-worker allowed her son's girlfriend to move in with them, thinking she was helping the girl. I warned my co-worker to be careful, since I had a daughter who played that game as well, hoping to invoke people's emotions, in order to gain sympathy. I told her that she may have a very loving mother, and that her son's girlfriend may simply be rebelling against the rules of the house. Eventually, my co-worker met with the girl's mother after the mother left several soft spoken, heartfelt messages on my co-workers phone, and did discover that very thing. The mother was kind, and confused about why her dtr. left the house and wouldn't speak to her. If the parents of your dtr's boyfriend are normally kind, mature people, they may simply be confused about what your ED's telling them.
I'm sorry for you're going through....this isn't an easy journey. Many years have past for me, and God is my comfort. I pray The Lord guides you in how to respond, if at all...
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Post by luke2231 on May 8, 2017 20:27:58 GMT
Hi Aimee,
We're all in different stages of estrangement... some of us haven't seen our kids in years, some see them from time to time. Unfortunately, our society is so divided in almost every area, it's hard to have civil discussions with some people because they only want to see and hear what they want to see and hear. Sometimes that means our kids have blind spots to the kind of parents we are and were, and many have friends, spouses and other family members that can't and won't see that there are two sides to every story, including our kids' beliefs about us as parents. All that to say, maybe the boyfriends' family isn't "adult" enough to even think to reach out to try to mend your family; I find a lot of people these days think that it's too much effort to work things through these days, even Christians in many cases.
It sounds like you did the absolute RIGHT thing in handing it over to Him, who has infinite love for your daughter - and you! To me, it looks like once you took the "be still" to heart, He provided you with the knowledge of her safety, showing yet once again how much He cares for you. So... personally, I would just continue to go with "be still" until He lays other instructions on your heart!
Something I would like to share with you, because your daughter is so young, is that she may just be going through a very rebellious stage and given some time, may see things differently. While it's not the case with my older estranged son, I've heard and read many, MANY stories of people in your situation whose younger (less than 21-ish) children just need prove their so-called maturity and walk or run away from their homes at this age. Once real life and real life responsibilities start to impact their daily lives, many realize their foolishness and eventually come home, so to speak. Not all, but a lot! I hope this gives you a little hope, but know that all of us will pray for you and your daughter. I know you know, but never forget that God is ABLE to move mountains, so He can definitely move your daughter's heart too!
Hang in there... Hugs!
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aimee
New Member
Posts: 4
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Post by aimee on May 8, 2017 21:47:43 GMT
Thank you for taking the time to respond..for your suggestions and words of encouragement. I found an old diary of my daughter's (from 2014) today and the entry for January 19....the same exact date she left was "Lord, why can't I beat this whole lying thing and why do I still crave human attention when all I need is you. Fill with your holiness Lord! Why do I feel no guilt?" It's the same date!!!! I believe there are no coincidences...God gave me this truth. I am praying for His wisdom and guidance so I know what to do with it. Blessings to you!
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Post by lindajoan on May 8, 2017 22:56:43 GMT
I am thankful that you found us. We are here to support you and pray for you.
I had a similar situation although our ED was a little older than your ED. I was so discouraged that people would take our ED in without knowing us or trying to hear from us. The boyfriend's parents were trying to please their son. They really did not want to hear from us. With that being said it did not take them long to see truth. They saw that our daughter had similar issues to your daughter's issues and they did not want to deal with it any longer. The boy also wanted to move on like most young guys of that age do.
My prayer will be that this is short lived for you. God is able. You said it best. Be still! God bless you.
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Post by JeepGirl on May 9, 2017 4:51:12 GMT
I am also glad you found us, Aimee, and I am so sorry for the pain and worry you are going through. But God is making it very evident that He is with you. It is so hard, I know, but continue to wait for His leading as you have been. What a gift He gave you in finding your daughter's diary and to see that even in her distress and confusion she was seeking Him. Be encouraged that you did your job.... “Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6
Prayers that she will return home soon.
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Post by 1hurtmom on May 9, 2017 20:13:09 GMT
Hi aimeeI feel like I just read my situation back from 7 long years ago. My EC ran away at 18. I had no idea where she was for weeks and I was a maniac. Called police, surveillance the city... etc... then God told me to wait. I had a dream and that is how I found out where she was hiding. Her boyfriends family was of no help. My advice to you is when you can reach out to her, get her into counseling asap. Yes she will scream and blame you for everything. Mine did except my counselor sucked. Find one now that can help both of you so when she is coming to pick up some of her stuff at your house you can be ready. Convince her the counseling is for you even though you know it isn't. It will be for her mostly. You will have already seen your counseling and can advise her/him the direction and approach you want. When you do go into counseling with her make sure she doesn't get to scream at the top of her lungs and name call you. Find a therapist who can diffuse the situation and keep it calm. You need advocates. I wouldn't share anything negative with your family members as it will come back to bite you. Mine did and it backfired. Keep your support team with people you know will have your back when she does speak the lies and brings it in full force. I am sure this has already started. I didn't see any of mine coming and I wasn't ready. Get all the support now for yourself, as you will be in shock, fear, grief, worry and more... She is in selfish mode and is telling anyone anything they will believe to get sympathy, attention and to get what she needs to survive. Mine did and is still doing it 7 years later. The best way I can describe this is imagine you are getting ready for battle. Guard your heart and emotions with a protective shield and get counseling for yourself but prepare yourself for a wait. No one could have told me my child would still ignore me for no good reason 7 years later. I have no idea where she lives and had I saw a counselor that could have helped calm the situation it would have helped early on. A lot of them are not prepared for this type of dynamic and how to repair them. Psalm 27:14: Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.
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jaxcy
New Member
Saddened
Posts: 1
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Post by jaxcy on May 20, 2017 19:15:07 GMT
Hi Aimee and everyone. As I have been reading these stories, they sound so close to mine. My daughter was 16 when she decided that she rather leave then respect us. Every day was like walking on egg shells here. But she is living with my sister and has done exactly the same thing. Told so many falsehoods about the way things actually were. And the most shocking part was that my parents and my sisters believed her, and while she cut off all ties with us, so did my family. It is so harsh, and so totally unfair. I love my daughter so much and would try to start over with her again at any time. But it will never happen as long as she has my very own family believing so many bad things about us. I cry nearly ever day and feel so empty, like there is a hole in my life that nothing else will fill. I have been betrayed by those people who are supposed to have my back. Not only won't they any longer talk with me, but they would never tell me anything about my daughter either. They have taken our place as her parents, go to family affairs with her and will be attending her graduation while we are not even invited. She has been gone nearly a year now, and they just enable her in every way possible. I am hurting so badly, and need the support of others going through the same thing. I dont know what to do. I was seeing a therapist but had to stop for a while, but i will be getting a call from a counsellor and starting therapy once again next week. I hope to get some help from her......
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Post by luke2231 on May 20, 2017 22:49:06 GMT
Jaxcy,
I am so very, very sorry that you have to walk this estrangement road with the rest of us. My heart breaks a little every time someone new joins and they share their heartbreak. Most of us couldn't wait to be mothers and then loved every minute of raising our children, only to be tossed aside when our kids decided we were disposable. For you, it seems, your family is complicit in keeping your daughter away. Pardon me, but a 16 year old is really not mature enough to decide that your parenting wasn't "good enough." Your family should know better, and it's not fair, but then again, NOTHING about estrangement is fair!
The only thing I can say to you is that we get it. Our stories may be different, but our hearts have been wounded, battered and beaten beyond what we thought possible. We understand how hard it is to pretend that life is normal in front of people who have no idea how much we're hurting. We understand how hard it is to have people look at you as if you "deserve" this. We understand how difficult it is to live while the estrangement affects every thought, conversation, decision, emotion, etc... And we understand that we need each other and our faith in God to get us through.
Please don't think that you're alone - because you're not. You can rant, rave, cry, ask questions, ask for prayers here and we will be here for you and each other. God is a bigger God than any of us can imagine, but He brought us all together knowing how important community is, especially in this situation where estrangement is often "hidden."
Giving you big hugs and sending prayers your way, Jaxcy...
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Post by lindajoan on May 21, 2017 15:04:19 GMT
I am thankful that you joined us. I am so sorry that you are going through this very difficult estrangement. I am sad to hear that your family and relatives have continued to enable your ed in this way. It makes it hard for you to reach out to her this way. Have you tried to contact her?
We are here for you. You are in our prayers.
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Post by lindajoan on May 21, 2017 15:08:30 GMT
Is there anything you can do to bring your daughter back since she is a minor. I am not sure that this is legal. Just a thought.
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Post by byhisgracealone on May 21, 2017 20:08:43 GMT
Welcome to this site Jaxcy. I'm sorry for the circumstance that has brought you here, but please know that we understand, and care about one another's pain through their estrangement journey. I'm so sorry that your very own family has chosen to play the martyr in your daughters life, instead of doing the right thing, and reaching out to you, hoping to open the lines of communication, and possibly help to heal the estrangement.
My daughter speaks to her dad,(we are divorced,) who doesn't feel any obligation to keep me informed about our daughter. I'm sorry to say that some family, or ex-family members, sometimes feel "privileged" that the adult child has chosen them to communicate with, and pat themselves on the back, thinking they must be wonderful mentors, since they are not being estranged as well.
I pray that The Lord will move the heart of one of your family members to recognize your ED's mistruths about you, and reach out to you. Blessings to you....
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Post by wonderbugg on Jun 12, 2017 14:01:37 GMT
There seems to be no end to the lies. Im getting to the point of possibly letting go. Im willing but the memories hunt me down.
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