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Post by difficulttime2 on Apr 18, 2017 7:44:43 GMT
I believe God 'pulled back the curtain' a few days ago and allowed me to see some online posts my ED had made about her life, her health and her childhood. I know it was for my own protection, letting me have the clarity and confirmation that now is not the time to reach out to her. It is very clear to me that my ED is completely NOT in her right mind. She has fabricated a new childhood and life experience that is delusional, a COMPLETELY FALSE AND MADE UP NARRATIVE history that is so far from reality, I am just left shaking my head in disbelief.
I believe she is a Borderline Personality with possible Munchausens Syndrome. She has jumped from one horrific 'disease' she was able to convince doctors she had, to another, and has convinced doctors (she admits to Dr. shopping in double digits), that she needs heavy duty opiods, including daily Morphine, etc., and states she is 'maxed out' on the dosage and needs more! I believe she's addicted not only to the meds, but medical treatments but the drama she has created and the attention she gets from faking serious illness. She admits to being on these daily opiods for 4 years.
She claims to have a very rare 'genetic' disease now and claims that I have it also ... I don't, nor does anyone else in our family. I know she doesn't have the last horrible disease she swore she had because she now admits she was 'misdiagnosed,' even though she took very heavy duty meds and went thru medical treatments for it. I know she doesn't have this 'genetic' disorder now because I don't have it and didn't give it to her as she claims, and I know nobody else in the family now or in past generations had it either! She recounts she become 'severely ill' EVERY time we took her to the beach ... and we took her to the beach, the pool, the park, etc all the time, as well as other fun outings, but NOT ONCE did she EVER get sick ... NOT ONCE! She now considers this "abuse," among other vague comments she makes about her childhood "abuse" that is completely false. She loved being outside and especially the beach ... I can't describe what a shock it was to read what she now states was her childhood-- reading those words where she states her childhood was so painful from illness from being taken to the beach ... when those times were in reality and truth ... the fun times, the beautiful memories. To see her trample all of that with these lies, is just beyond me.
Her husband seems to be very complicit in her delusions. He has issues as well, needy, abandonment issues ... other mental health issues, etc., ... but now he gets to be her 'hero' and her fake illnesses and addiction almost ensures she will not (or cannot) leave him. It's the perfect storm.
Throughout her multiple posts I read, the drama she creates is HUGE. Fighting with doctors to give her what she wants, campaigns to 'get people fired' who don't give her what she wants or questions her illness ... and trips to the ER that she gleefully describes laying in the floor demanding service ... doctors not believing her and sending her home ... only to return again the next day to find a new doctor who will give her what she wants. Her posts scream Borderline Personality and Munchausens ... and the prognosis for either one is pretty dismal.
I AM AFRAID OF HER. I don't know what she is capable of, but I know helping her in any tangible way is clearly out of my hands. She has become vicious toward anyone who gets in her way of what she wants ... which is medical attention, medical intervention, medical treatments and above all, drugs.
All this to say that I will need to spend some time processing this, grieving and forgiving her all over again ... and then COMPLETELY letting it all go again... I need prayer ... will you please pray for me, especially this week? Thank you so much, and thank you for reading. I needed to share this burden to put it behind me...
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Post by lindajoan on Apr 18, 2017 11:42:13 GMT
This must be very difficult to have read and now to process. I believe the word delusional is correct. Very sad indeed. Our ED has become delusional over her past also.
You will be in my prayers. Please let us know how you are when you can. You are not alone. The Lord is with you. We care about you too.
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Post by luke2231 on Apr 18, 2017 21:28:54 GMT
I'm so sorry, Difficult... I found some stuff my ES put on social media a few months ago, and it made me so, so sad; it must be very hard to witness your daughter's health issues, etc... I could very well understand how you can feel anger and a whole host of other emotions too. You can count on me to keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you (once again) sludge through the mud of this estrangement. May you feel God's presence this week in countless and unexpected ways. Hugs to you, friend. xoxo
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Post by difficulttime2 on Apr 18, 2017 21:57:58 GMT
thank you all so much for responding ... yes it is very difficult and I am feeling every emotion right now. I know that's a normal response to all of this insanity ... my ED's mental illness, supposed physical illness, addiction and whatever else ... the sadness is overwhelming and I am also afraid of her while she's in this state, which appears to have only gotten worse. I believe she's dangerous to anyone in her sights. The best I can do is try to stay clear, but my illusion that she'd show up at my door, repentant or otherwise and I'd be able to fling my door open, embrace her and invite her in is over. The reality is I'd need to be very very careful. She has a psychotic rage that is not normal and is most likely dangerous. That's the reality and I need to just process and deal with that, it's not how I want it or wish it would be, but it's what is. I have to accept that and all that comes with it, death of the dream of my little girl....
I believe that God has given her opportunity after opportunity to turn it around, but she chooses death instead ... flirting with it teetering on the edge of reality. I wonder if God is preparing me for the worst. The opiods alone are so very dangerous, one pill could put her over the edge and she wouldn't wake up. Satan has hold of her right now, and she's choosing death and darkness and lies and sin .... Pray that God will turn her, but I know the choice is ultimately hers. It's tragic and I'm very sad and just keep praying....
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Post by byhisgracealone on Apr 19, 2017 0:07:22 GMT
I'm sorry for your pain difficult, my ED also retells a false narrative when recalling her childhood to those who weren't there, and don't know enough to not believe her. My ED lives a very troubled life involving drugs also, and has recently left her husband for another man who I'm sure believes the lies that no one has ever loved her.
I really think our ED's need to recreate the reality of how they were raised in order to fool people into feeling sorry for them, and patting them on the back, saying "Good for you, you broke away from that abuse, and are doing it on your own!" I think they enjoy the accolades, knowing all along, they're lying about their own parents, and misrepresenting what was a perfectly normal childhood.
It's difficult to understand who would do something like that, I can't imagine treating my parents that way. I pray The Lord helps you through this painful time, and your ED, and all our EC, come to The Lord on their knees asking forgiveness, and excepting His mercy.
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Post by difficulttime2 on Apr 19, 2017 0:40:32 GMT
Yes, I pray all our EC's come to the Lord too ... and not in a false way.... Interestingly, my ED claims she's "crazy about Jesus" ... but clearly the love of God is not in her IMO, as there is no fruit.
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Post by lindajoan on Apr 19, 2017 1:55:15 GMT
I say Amen to your entire post ByHisGrace.
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Post by JeepGirl on Apr 19, 2017 2:29:36 GMT
Difficulttime2, I am so sorry that you, once again, have to deal with this. But, I am glad you see how "dangerous" ED could possibly be. Sadly, what finally helped me put my estrangement on the back burner is when (after sharing texts from my ES) with Dr. Coleman, he told me to make no more attempts to contact him and said it sounds like he has a mental disorder and alluded to the fact that his anger could be taken out on me. I cannot believe I actually feared my son. So, I know how you feel and you really should stay away from your ED right now. They are not right. And my ES is also delusional about his past and he has told my grandchildren all of these distortions.
I knew people who were addicted like your daughter and would constantly be in the ER seeking painkillers. You couldn't believe anything they said.
My prayers are for you and your safety; for your daughter - to be delivered from her addiction (whatever way God deems necessary). She needs to stop for her own health and well-being. It is very serious. And I pray for God to intervene in all of this and that you trust HE will handle it and get the glory. Lot of prayers being lifted up on your behalf.
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Post by difficulttime2 on Apr 20, 2017 4:41:45 GMT
Thank you for all your replies.... Jeep: I am interested to know that Dr. Coleman told you to "make no more attempts" after sharing your ES texts. My impression of Dr. Coleman from some of his early interviews and writings always seemed to me to not only put the onus fully on the parents, but also to admit to wrongs that never happened and also to sort of 'coddle' (my word), the EC in their 'reality' (again, my word) ... and so I could not 'get on board' with him, at all. So glad to hear that someone has had this experience with him, that Dr. Coleman recognizes the instances where it is out of the parents hands. I have never spoke to Dr. Coleman directly, so glad to hear this 'good report' about him from someone who has had some personal experience with him. Makes me hopeful that Dr. Coleman can help those of us with mentally ill adult children or adult children who could be dangerous to their own parents ... and I will add, adult children who would and do threaten us as well.
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Post by JeepGirl on Apr 20, 2017 14:49:53 GMT
I always thought the same thing about Dr. Coleman, from what I read by others on Daily Strength. I know he tells estranged parents, if they have an opportunity to meet with estranged child, to "listen" at first and EC may say some very untrue and hurtful things. But over the years, I see he is right. I also heard of reconciliations on DS (HOPE) where parents followed this advice and have reconciled. They shared it was not easy to do but it kept the door open and then little by little the relationship grew. Whether issues were addressed in the future, I don't know because, once reconciled, people often leave these sites.
But, if we do meet with EC, and don't listen and just tell our side, what will happen? Argument will begin and we will be right back in our estrangement. I know, personally, if my ES came to me, I would put the "listening" into practice. Because if he came here, that would be a major step and show he had a willingness to reconcile. If that occurred, I feel I would need to do my part. But, again, that is "me".
Dr. Coleman often has free call-in sessions on Mondays. (See his website) You can type your question prior to show (which I did) and he answered me during his program. Of course, he doesn't use names. When he heard what my ES said, how disrespectful he was to me and the awful language, he said that I had done all I could and recommended I stay away from ES because of his anger issues and possible mental disorder.
Dr. Coleman doesn't profess to be a Christian but I have found his suggestions to be reasonable and solid.
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Post by byhisgracealone on Apr 21, 2017 0:05:12 GMT
My heart has been broken by my ED, just as I have broken the heart of God. My Lord forgave me as a broken person who confessed my sins and failures, and embraces me because of His love and mercy toward me.
If my ED came to my doorstep, and I invited her into my home and heart, and she chose to use that opportunity to besiege me with the wrongs she believes I've committed, telling me how her life was ruined by my mistakes and failures as a parent, causing a new wound where the old one had finally begun to heal, that to me is cruel, and non-therapeutic. I do not agree with Dr. Coleman. If a parent has truly been abusive or neglectful, then they should except the hurt they've caused, and apologize.
If an adult child is simply playing a sad game of control, and "teaching their parents a lesson," by denying access not only to themselves, but to precious grandchildren, allowing years that can never again be reclaimed to slip away, and believe that the only way we could once again be "worthy" of their companionship is to except their untrue venting, possibly over and over again until they feel vindicated, then I choose to keep the memory of the once beautiful little daughter I gave birth to and raised. I would rather keep my joyful memories, then walk on egg shells for the rest of my life wondering what I might say or do wrong, to suddenly become "unworthy" of her attention once again. Life as they say, is too short.
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Post by lindajoan on Apr 21, 2017 0:52:57 GMT
Each estrangement situation is different it is true. Our ED still continues to believe her lies and accusations. She considers herself the victim and that everyone else has wronged her. In our situation, there is no way to please her except to admit to things my DH and I have never done. We can not do that. We pray one day the Lord will change her and there will be repentance.
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Post by JeepGirl on Apr 21, 2017 3:35:19 GMT
As I said and lindajoan said, each situation is different. I never heard Dr. Coleman say to admit to anything that was untrue or we never did. I heard him say to "listen" to our EC and try and see it "from their perspective." I don't think that is a bad suggestion, although we will probably be totally surprised as to what our EC have to say. And, yes, I am sure there will be lots of distortions, but Dr. Coleman even gives samples of possible replies and all have been "I didn't realize you felt that way", "I am so sorry you saw it from that perspective" and other similar replies. I am in a women's bible study with some younger women and some of the things they will say about their moms brings conviction to me because I couldn't imagine these girls didn't understand where their moms were coming from. Totally different perspectives. For me, it is all about God's forgiveness of us and, in turn, our forgiveness of our EC. If anyone can find something contrary to that in God's Word, let me know. Sometimes being obedient is extremely difficult but we really don't have the option to not forgive. I know I made mistakes and it would be great to explain my side some day, but if I have to first "listen" to my EC's feelings, then I will. I guaranty telling our story and they telling us theirs, will most likely not result in a good way. Should we be an example of what Jesus expects from us? To be forgiving, loving and humble? If we are obedient, don't you think Jesus will honor us?
Bottom line, we need to pray for God's wisdom in how to handle our estrangements and how to respond if
we ever have an opportunity to speak to our EC. Just my thoughts.
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Post by lindajoan on Apr 21, 2017 11:30:05 GMT
I always appreciate your posts. They are clear and wise. I love how you said to be obedient to God's Word. That is always what is right.
God bless you and each dear one here today with encouragement from the Spirit of God.
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Post by difficulttime2 on Apr 21, 2017 20:03:02 GMT
For me, the issues around estrangement was never all about forgiveness. For the believer, forgiveness isn't an option IMO. Some of the many issues concerning estrangement for me, are more as to how to respond to our adult children's sin, false accusations and foolishness when it is directed at us. Some of the verses I really like are as follows: Proverbs 26: 4-5 ... 4 Do not answer a fool according to his folly, Or you will also be like him. 5 Answer a fool as his folly deserves, That he not be wise in his own eyes.… Matthew 7:6 Do not give dogs what is holy; do not throw your pearls before swine. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces. Proverbs 23:9 Do not speak in the hearing of a fool, For he will despise the wisdom of your words. Proverbs 29:9 When a wise man has a controversy with a foolish man, The foolish man either rages or laughs, and there is no rest. Proverbs 30: 11-13: …11 There is a kind of man who curses his father And does not bless his mother. 12 There is a kind who is pure in his own eyes, Yet is not washed from his filthiness. 13 There is a kind-- oh how lofty are his eyes! And his eyelids are raised in arrogance.… Re: Dr. Coleman: “Often, he said, parents in these situations give up too soon. He advises them to continue weekly letters, e-mail messages or phone calls even when they are rejected, and to be generous in taking responsibility for their mistakes — even if they did not seem like mistakes at the time. After all, he went on, parents and children have very different perspectives. “It’s possible for a parent to feel like they were doing something out of love,” he said, “but it didn’t feel like love to that child.” well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/05/03/when-the-ties-that-bind-unravel/comment-page-44/?_r=0I just think it's a slippery slope to try to indulge (my word) the 'feelings' of the sinner when they are unrepentant and swimming in their foolishness. The Bible is very clear about the consequences of the behavior our estranged kids have chosen: "The eye that mocks a father and scorns to obey a mother will be picked out by the ravens of the valley and eaten by the vultures" "If one curses his father or his mother, his lamp will be put out in utter darkness." We must not forget that our kids are engaged in very serious sin that has very serious dire consequences. This is serious stuff and the Bible says they are cursed when they behave this way. So many of our EC's, or at least mine is steeped in such outrageous and blatant sin, such as lying, bearing false witness against us, cursing us, etc., so there is absolutely no way to see it from 'their perspective.' It's just nasty old unrepentant, ugly sin. God's Word is truth and anything contrair to that is a lie. Matthew 18 tells us how to confront sin among believers. Many of our EC's profess to know Him. "Matthew 18:15 “If your brother or sister sins,[c] go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’[d] 17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector." Just my 2 cents.
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