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Post by missingman on Mar 25, 2017 11:53:40 GMT
Good morning all. New to the site and wish I wasn't in this predicament but here we are. My reason for threading here is not so many ch as to how to deal with my ED, I've put her in God's hands, repented of not being the best Dad, asked for forgiveness from my daughter... my main concern is my wife. One thread posted here pierced my heart and still not knowing how to deal with it. My wife has built her dreams on being a mom and wife. All she ever wanted to be growing up. Outside to the world all looks great, inside not so great. My lack of compassion towards this estrangement has put a huge toll on our marriage. I'm just an insensitive dumb male that focuses on going to work, eat, tv, and we'll go to estate sales with her. I can compartmentalize the ec portion of our lives. Very difficult but I am able to stuff it and move on. It's been 6 years of estrangement. There is mutual resentment between my wife and I. I want her to move and she needs more comfort through the shattering of her dreams. I can't imagine nor do I even want to go through the emotions she is feeling. I just don't want to be that guy that others post about their emotionally abusive husband. I confess that is what I am but don't know how to break that cycle. I "do" things like help around the house, groceries, errands,,., but sit and talk and comfort isn't what I do. Then the more she points out what I do wrong the more I pull back and go silent which only fuels more fire and esenrwmnt. I need to stop or we're done. She has told me to man up and leave if I can't be there for her. Frustrated. But seem to be set in my ways for 27 years of marriage. Ugghh. I see this site appears to have mostly women, but if you have a caring husband or you yourself that can lend some advice, I'm willing. Thank you for letting me share
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Post by luke2231 on Mar 25, 2017 13:10:57 GMT
Wow, missingman, thank you for all of your honesty, as well as your willingness to listen and work for your marriage!
As a woman, I completely understand how "all she ever wanted to be growing up" is a mom. Many of us women feel that way. Once we become moms, we throw so much of our lives into that role; it can be hard to separate ourselves from that role once children are gone, and then when those kids estrange, it's easy to feel like a failure. Mothering was your wife's "job" and she puts a lot of value and gets a sense of self from her performance as a mom. I'm sure you can understand that - it seems to me as if you feel valued from your job as a provider to your family.
Are you emotionally abusive?!? Or are you just a man who thinks linearly and doesn't want to "talk" the estrangement to death? Men and women often work through conflict in completely different ways. Men tend to want to find a solution and move on. In the case of estrangement, finding a solution is hard to do, even impossible, so men tend to leave it behind a little quicker, even if the estrangement hurts and saddens them. My husband is willing to listen to what I have to say, but gets irritated if it's a 24/7 thing. I've learned that he's willing to talk about it if I don't "force" it down his throat, but he's been known to tell me to "move on with my life," "this estrangement is our son's choice and you can't do anything to change it" whenever I get too caught up in my feelings. Is that emotionally abusive? I don't think so; I think it's just a man being a man! I know my husband has completely put our estrangement in God's hands, so in that sense, he has a lot more faith in Him than I have, who needs to talk it out through this forum, read whatever I can about estrangement, etc...
Women, on the other hand, don't necessarily *need* to find a solution, they work through their emotions by talking (and talking and talking) about it. So when she wants to you talk about it (again and again), she's working through those emotions and trying to make sense of this senseless estrangement. Very often our circle of friends and family don't understand or want to talk about estrangement either. Sometimes, as a mom, you can feel more like a failure because family members can seem judgmental because they unwittingly point out faults.
It's apparent that you do care for your wife, and are trying to be a better, more supportive spouse to her. Have you gone through any counseling together? Or even apart? Has she gone through counseling alone? Ask the pastoral staff at your church if they offer counseling or could recommend an independent Christian counselor. From what you've written, I believe you both still love each other, I think that you each need to re-learn to communicate with each other so that you BOTH felt heard. The way you work through this estrangement is equally as important as how your wife does. You need each other. You're stronger together. And even though she doesn't realize it and isn't around, your daughter needs her parents together.
Please keep us posted! I would love to have a dad's perspective navigating the world of estrangement, apart from my husband's. I'll be praying for you and your situation, missingman!
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Post by missingman on Mar 25, 2017 15:31:13 GMT
Hi Luke 2231,
Thank you very much for the reply. Very insightful and spot on. I would classify myself emotionally abusive for any man that can't hold his wife and reassure all will be well and pray for her and the family as God has put me as the spiritual head of the family, and can just stare at his wife while she cries, yeah I would that is abusive. Worst of all, I'm supposed to be a mature Christian husband and not being all that I should be. My wife has seeked counseling and is vey strong in the Lord and in His Word. I know what I need to do and where I should go for strength, guidance and wisdom. It's a daily humbling exercise and relinquishing my will to His, my weaknesses to His strength, and receive His Love to flow through me to her. Words are nice, actions speak volumes. Thanks again for listening(reading). It helps to get this out.
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Post by lindajoan on Mar 25, 2017 16:08:21 GMT
I really appreciate you coming here and sharing. You are welcome here. It is clear that you want to be the husband that the Lord wants you to be. Your wife is blessed that you care about her so much. She sounds like a wonderful person.
I have a strong Christian husband also. I am thankful for that. Estrangement has been very hard on both of us for over 5 years. It takes its toll due to the stress it puts on us individually and on the marriage. Our ED left behind insults and accusations at both of us especially directed towards my husband. Men and women are made differently by God. We handle things in different ways. That does not mean we are affected less by a situation especially estrangement. My husband is more one to leave things in God's hands. I do,as well, although I tend to want to talk about it much more. There's the male and female difference. I do appreciate it when my husband gives me his time and attention to do listen. After 5 years for my own peace of mind I do talk less about it but I do need him to be understanding of my need to share. Husbands and wives need one another. Our spouse should be the one we can safely turn to. At times, of course, we may hurt each other but we can get back on track. God is gracious and forgiving. He will help us.
Please keep us posted on how you are both doing. We pray and we understand. God bless you.
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Post by byhisgracealone on Mar 25, 2017 17:32:48 GMT
I'm sorry missingman, for the difficulty in your relationship with your wife during this time of estrangement from your child. The ladies before me stated it very plainly, men and women are very different, and handle emotional difficulties in very different ways.
If I may, can I make a suggestion? Based on the fact that my ED's dad and I are divorced, and do not share in anything, I think I can speak to having to deal with my ED's estrangement on my own, without the comfort or understanding of a "husband" to listen when I need to cry or mourn my daughter's loss from my life. If you were to bring your wife out to a quiet place when she's receptive, and explain that while you emotionally handle the estrangement differently, you want not only to provide the comfort she needs, but she needs at times, to provide the "conversational space" you need in order to remain an emotionally functioning, healthy person yourself. Sometimes, women "need" all the energy in the room, and forget that our husbands may not handle pain the same way. (Again, I lost my husband, so I can confess this.) We feel neglected and hurt when we feel our needs are disregarded, but need to remember others have needs that may differ from our own.
I pray that you and your wife can together pray to Our Lord about sharing the pain openly in the way both of you need in order to remain a healthy couple. Can there be times when you sit and listen, hold her to comfort her? Then, in mutual respect of your needs, she then can speak with girlfriends, or a site like this one for a while, giving you the opportunity to catch your breath, and not relive the hurt 24/7?
May God guide both of you on this journey....
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Post by missingman on Mar 26, 2017 1:15:49 GMT
Once again to the ones who replied. I am so appreciative of the time you took to respond. My wife swims in the midst of rejection from extended family and our ED. And our ED has reached out to my wife's family and they are, receptive to her deception. So she doesn't need more from me. I thank you for for the replies and I will keep you posted. It is far time for me to step in and step up. My wife has heard that many times before and I don't want her to be disappointed again or lose more trust. I will extend my prayers to all those dealing with EC. I'm not accepting defeat for I know that good seed was planted in my Former ED (calling those things that are not as though they are). Thank you and God bless you for providing a Christian site for such a difficult situation.
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Post by bythestreams on Mar 26, 2017 21:47:26 GMT
Sounds like to me you are a good man, husband. To reach out as you have says a lot and God surely sees and cares too. Ok here is my 2 cents worth. My estrangement this time is 3 1/2 years. I am determined to be a survivor. No guarantees for tomorrow. I burned my husband out pretty quick with conversations, tears but the holy spirit reminded me this is mostly between Him and me and My growth. I realize for hubby if this had been income, job idenity, it would have been devastating for him in his male arena. I too, like your wife was a homemaker and ALWAYS wanted that. My identity for certain.
As it is now, crushed, I had,have.. to survive. 3 daughters and 7 grandchildren.
She needs to have a new mindset, she HAS TO CONVINCE HERSELF with the Lord's help His mind His ways His journey for her.not that she failed or its over or that it should be as she planned. Reading lots of books and staying in the Word which you said is strong in her life ptl. Starting with praise and thanksgiving. That sounds trite. I read books on how this opens up,victories like none other. God wants to make her a new without the children. Its like when Peter was being transformed from fisherman to Shepard. God's got new plans " for now" anyway. Our heads have to gain the hope and God will move it down to the heart. Then we ARE SURVIVING. I got kicked this past week from a guilty attack as a mother and choices. Oh how God had to help me get out of Satan and his trap. I pleaded for help.
Tenderness is your step,best suit. Pray pray for her new enlightenment from,our Lord. Some have trials of cancer, some of finances. Ours is this ugly estrangement that God says will happen in the last days. Keep asking the Lord for wisdom to walk along side of your wife with understandings. But, remember you are not her Lord just her precious husband. She is a blessed woman.
I am not there at all yet. I so much want victory with Jesus not the family. That will come when I learn my lessons well,i believe. And if not God is God. Praying for you brother.
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Post by difficulttime2 on Mar 27, 2017 23:24:31 GMT
Been married 36 years and survived the death of a child and now estrangement ... not because we're special, but by the grace of God, literally. Estrangement is a death, of sorts, and grieving is a huge part of it.
When our baby died, my husband was so frustrated that I wasn't 'over it' yet ... he stood up and announced to our friends at dinner that I needed to stop grieving now and move on. It had been a whole month! What he didn't get at the time, and now does is that he was still in the shock phase ... once he moved on into the whole grief process, as I had already done, he got it. We learned the hard way ... you HAVE GOT TO BACK OFF EACH OTHER, NOT JUDGE EACH OTHER for whatever phase of grief or non-grief you happen to be in. If it's been 6 years, and she's still grieving, so be it ... it is what it is and it's okay and normal for her.... DO NOT FIGHT HER ON THIS POINT.
My husband had a hard time both with the estrangement and with the death, two different children.... But, he also grieved separately and differently than me. It's not like in the movies when you look into each other's eyes and you embrace ... no, or at least it wasn't for us.... We learned to give each other the space and gave each other permission we needed to heal and just to feel whatever we felt when we felt it.
He also was able to compartmentalize ... not me. I have been estranged 7 years and although I feel I am mostly healed and can accept whatever comes concerning the estrangement now ... I still get on estrangement sites to both give and get support. The most loving thing my husband does for me is back off when I'm having a hard day concerning estrangement, maybe a holidy or bithday or whatever....he lets me be ... but then I don't expect him to 'support me' through my emotional swings either ... we just give each other space ....
Another thing he does is assure me he isn't going anywhere, no matter what .... And, death, estrangement or whatever will not define us. Another thing that helps me is that my husband figured out what means love to me ... (it's different for each woman/wife) ... for me it's doing little things for me. He makes my coffee. I love that. For someone else, it's touch, telling her something wonderful about her, or something else. Figure out your wife ... what means love to her ... and then just do that....
First and foremost ... read the Word of God and pray .... He will guide you through this estrangement and give you the patience and wisdom you need to support your wife. God bless you both.
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Post by missingman on Mar 29, 2017 11:39:58 GMT
Hello bythestreams difficulttimes2,
Thank you so much for your posts. It is really helping me stay aware of my actions in response to her needs. The moments I can hold myself back on a harsh response or get over it mentality is helping the situation. This site has been very helpful getting more understanding about ECs.
The difficult question is why is this still going on. I tend to get really angry at my ED for her insensitivity and pain she is causing. I want to know who in any right mind can wake up in the morning and say Good Morning God, it's going to be a great day and I have no regrets on how I treat my mom who raised me and loved me like no other." "No remorse, and oh by the way it's your fault, mom, I am acting this way!" Sorry,but these are only some of the emotions that I have and until this point had no where to go with them. We had left our local church where we all attended as a family and have recently went back after a couple years. Not sure if that was a good or bad thing because so many memories are there as a family and I know we don't compare but we struggle with the what ifs.
I will continue to seek His face for direction, wisdom, comfort, and pray for my wife and those who are dealing with this life altercation.
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Post by lindajoan on Mar 29, 2017 16:14:06 GMT
It is understandable to be angry at what our EC have done to good parents. It is sin for them not to be honoring their parents according to God's Word. Is your ED still young. My ED is 25 and not married.
It is good that you have returned to church. I know it is needed in the life of myself and my DH. We are in a church with many memories of ED. It may be easier for you and your dear wife to start fresh at a new church. Do you agree?
God bless you. God bless and help each us us with His strength in our weakness.
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Post by missingman on Apr 3, 2017 22:12:27 GMT
Hi Lindajoan,
We actually left our church for our ED and started going to a new church. But the distance away and our daughter dropping off communications left us stranded. Tried going back to our original church a couple times but wasn't led at that time. Had peace going back to our church but pain is still there with our ED.
Some days, the pain for my wife is so strong at times after 6 yrs. days like Mother's Day and birthdays are super hard. I need some strong declarations to break these strongholds on my daughter. And actually, not being in denial, I am going to start calling those things that are not as though they are. I will no longer call my daughter an ED. I call her home with the right mindset, redeemed, transformed, blessed. Thank you Father!
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Post by lindajoan on Apr 4, 2017 0:19:34 GMT
No matter how many years we still grieve the loss of a child whether through estrangement or death. We all relate to this pain. We need the help and strength of the Lord to persevere.
It is good to praise and thank the Lord at all times. With God all things are possible. Did you mention the age of your daughter? Is she married?
Blessings to you and your dear wife.
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Post by missingman on Apr 9, 2017 12:24:17 GMT
Hi LindaJoan, Sorry, I have been offline for a bit. My daughter just turned 27 a few weeks ago. She is a beautiful bright young woman. She is not married or in a relationship (from what we can tell). She recently moved to another state. Last few weeks were really hard on my wife. I thank you for the prayers and will continue to put a concerted effort towards our family. I will make my declarations over my family that as for me and my house, we shall serve the Lord. Prayers to all the parents going through these difficult time with their children. Praying that the eyes of their understanding be enlightened and they know their true calling. In the name of Jesus, we bind that spirit of rebellion and shed light on the lies they have believed. They have been bought and paid for. “I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’ And to the south, ‘Do not keep them back!’ Bring My sons from afar, And My daughters from the ends of the earth—” Isaiah 43:6 NKJV - bible.com/114/isa.43.6.nkjv |
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Post by lindajoan on Apr 9, 2017 12:45:42 GMT
Thank you for that perfect prayer. God bless you and your wife.
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Post by luke2231 on Apr 9, 2017 17:40:41 GMT
Yes, thank you for the prayer! I add a resounding AMEN!
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