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Post by brokenmama on Feb 27, 2017 3:20:04 GMT
My daughters recent crisis in her life, which i posted about in another thread passed(by the grace of God all worked out, i thank Him)............We are back to our strange relationship.....we talk on the phone, if its ok with her.......she says whatever she wants and i respond carefully because if i dont.....she gets mad and hangs up. Really why bother with this...this is no relationship......just venting.......i may see her once a year........i saw the grandbaby for 30 minutes at Christmas.......I am good for a crisis situation, a fear filled situation, or 30 minutes at Christmas.....If there is a problem.she can call me a dozen times a day on that. After that......I'm just here ...............just venting, Sundays are hard for me for some reason....WHO puts up with this for years on end.......and what do you do besides? i do not know
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Post by lindajoan on Feb 27, 2017 12:44:39 GMT
I understand what you are saying broken. It seems that hearing from EC is on their terms and often comes with abuse unless there is a crisis as you mentioned. Other than that there is silence. It is sad for us to go through that treatment when it occurs. It is not what we hoped for and certainly not how God wants AC to honor their parents.
It is between each parent as led by the Lord how they feel led to handle it. One choice is to accept it and pray that one day the Lord will change them. We always pray first. Only He can change their hearts. Another way to handle it if led by the Lord (as recently took place in DH and my life) would be to respond to the abusive and demanding behavior with truth that it is not acceptable or God honoring. Then pray one day the Lord will change them and they will see the truth. Again it is personal and no two journeys are the same.
It is not good for us to live in a way that robs our peace and joy. We continue to ask for the strength of the Lord each day. Each day is a gift from Him. Blessings to you my friend.
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Post by everloving11 on Feb 27, 2017 13:49:00 GMT
Just as our past helped to shape who we are today, so also this E-relationship ~ praying we all come out better on the other end!
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Post by brokenmama on Feb 27, 2017 14:08:00 GMT
Thank you Lindajoan and everloving.......good words. I usually do speak up when she is obnoxious...i keep it short and to the point. I refuse to have a long drawn out verbal battle with her (she loves those.....more evidence of what an awful mother i am)....i DO speak up and say whatever needs to be said and quickly get off the phone.........I love my daughter, but i do not like her. I wouldnt accept such ridiculous behavior from a stranger, why would i accept it from my own? its a delicate balancing act......Most days i simply do the best I can and stop answering the phone when i need to.
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Post by luke2231 on Feb 27, 2017 16:00:44 GMT
Broken, I'm so sorry it is back to this. I just feel so bad for the poor grandbabies who are innocent and don't know the hurdles they will face because of it! Maybe... just don't pick up the phone on occasion. I'm glad you're cutting the conversations short and not giving her the opportunity to belittle you, but not picking up the phone may allow you the choice of when to choose "drama" and when not to, if that makes sense. Some days we're more able to handle it and other days not so much. Maybe choose no drama on Sundays since that seems to be a rough one for you! Sending you prayers and hugs, my friend. If you are un-able, remember that He is able! In all of it !
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Post by autumnwind on Feb 27, 2017 21:21:45 GMT
Broken, I know exactly what you are going thru. I have done what Luke says and only pick up the phone, when I think I have strength to deal with her. I get chills though, when I see it is her calling. I cannot be myself talking with her, it is a strain. It almost always ends up bad. She is real defensive, and tries to start arguments with me. I have learned to cut it short and not let her rant. I use to get caught up in it, and the battle raged on. I just kept trying to defend myself, but it was useless. Of course, I just sent my six year old granddaughter a birthday present, knowing it was unwelcomed. What do you do. You want your grandchild to know you are thinking of them. I knew it, it was the perfect opportunity for her to say, "I told you not to send anything, I will not give it to her." I hurt, but I expected it. God is good though. He does give the Peace that passes all understanding. He knows our hearts. He knows my daughters heart. I pray continuously for the heart to change. I know its hard, so hard. I will pray for you.
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Post by byhisgracealone on Feb 27, 2017 23:17:57 GMT
I'm sorry Brokenmama, for the pain your ED is causing you. I understand exactly how you feel when you said you love your daughter, but don't like her. I love and pray for my ED everyday, but I don't like her, and her behavior. I pray for all of us....for the peace that surpasses all understanding.
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Post by difficulttime2 on Feb 28, 2017 3:21:43 GMT
Praying for those of you who have to deal with such drama from your EC's ... guess I am thankful that there is zero contact (my ED's choice), even though I miss the E-grands.
I think God knows that I don't have the stamina right now for her drama .... God bless those of you who are in the thick of it... ugh ... HUGS TO YOU ALL....
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Post by poodlegirl61 on Feb 28, 2017 4:53:13 GMT
I don't know if I can say anything that can help you, but....my crisis has been 8 years in the making. I relate to everything you said. Everything about the weird/strange relationship. Yes, I have that too. I went 8 years sometimes talking to my son, and sometimes not. Children were born and sometimes I was involved and sometimes not. Today I got to see all three at the same time. Yes, it was odd. But....God has been true and God has been faithful and God is always good. I did not want this. I wanted all four of my children to grow up, and get married to wonderful, respectful people, and then have little grandchildren that I could love on, and just be a normal grandmother to. But that isn't what happened. That darn thing called estrangement is what happened to my paradise. My husband and I did everything "right". We took the kids to church, we did Awanas, we tried to raise them right. And then this happened. All I know is, today they were all here. THIS is my new normal. Will it happen again soon? I certainly hope so. But if it doesn't, and it is a few more months or years, well then that is ok too. It is weird in a way. In some ways it is like a gift I have been given. I know that sounds weird and trite, but I'm being honest. I had someone call me today to tell me that she ADMIRES ME and the way I have handled this Godawful mess and that she could never handle anything like this. And yet, and yet...she is battling stage 4 cancer. And she thinks what I'm going through is worse. And I think SHE is the warrior! SHE is the one who inspires me! I am telling you,...you never know who is looking. All I can say is, just keep up the faith. Never give up. This is the hardest battle but we are not fighting against the kids or the kids in law. Satan is the one at work here. Let's try to remember who the enemy really is. God bless us all.
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Post by everloving11 on Feb 28, 2017 13:34:30 GMT
Amen Poodlegirl!!!
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Post by brokenmama on Feb 28, 2017 20:33:19 GMT
Good words from everyone. I often wonder if its worth it......if i would be better off with no contact. Recently I almost changed my phone number.......I dont know...its in our hearts and souls to connect with our children.....So many years of being weary of it.....Most days I do pretty good, sometimes i dont.
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Post by JeepGirl on Feb 28, 2017 21:23:45 GMT
I agree with what lindajoan said, that each of us has to handle our estrangements in the way which is best for us and then, some of us, have no choice in the matter. Simply no contact from EC. However, beyond that, I believe that each of us needs to have a life (whether we see kids sporadically or not at all). Being busy....having hobbies, going to women's groups, starting something new, involvement in a ministry, etc. helps so much. I know because at one point I was totally consumed by the estrangement. It wasn't good for me emotionally or physically. And wasn't satan happy with my consumption?
Of course, early on in estrangement is quite different from those where years have passed. Who can help be consumed when your child(ren) don't want anything to do with you? Those first couple of years were pure torture and estrangement groups were such a blessing. And our group still is a blessing to me but we need to come to a point where we can truly assess what has been going on. How many years? And then ask ourselves where do we want to go from here. It is not easy by any means, especially when we have isolated ourselves. But, it can be done and Jesus is right there to help us take some steps of faith. He will even provide things to do, if we ask Him.
I am not minimizing anyone's pain on here. But when I wish I had a magic wand to help each of you (and myself). I forget Who can help us. And if some of us found ways that have helped us through our estrangements, I think sharing those can be of help to others.
Lots of love and prayers going out to each of my sisters.
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Post by lindajoan on Feb 28, 2017 22:59:11 GMT
So true. Without the Lord we could not make it through any difficulty in this life. Estrangement is so hard on every level. The enemy would love to destroy us.
As Jeepgirl said, with God's help and strength we can live even one day at a time, sometimes a step at a time. The Lord will fill our lives with what He calls us to do. He cares. I am so thankful for the caring sisters here who understand one another.
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