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Post by 1hurtmom on Feb 11, 2017 22:20:35 GMT
This past week was my ED's 7 year anniversary from the day she walked out of my life and quit talking to me. The holidays were hard and Jan. I tried to keep it together but Feb. isn't going as I had hoped. I have been trying to keep myself busy but it doesn't stop the pain I have from missing her so much. I feel like I am forgetting who she is and how she talks, laughs, walks and our memories together seem so far away. I cry as I am writing this. Sometimes its so hard to breath...
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Post by luke2231 on Feb 12, 2017 1:21:29 GMT
Oh.... hurtmom, I'm there with you! It's been just about 1 year since I last talked to my ES, but almost 5 since I saw him, talked to him, laughed with him, held him, hugged him.... Then last night, I was sitting in the window seat, flying over the city where he and DIL lived before they moved overseas (and didn't tell us). And the tears just started to fall. Unstoppable tears. Right there, next to a very nice man who had no idea why my eyes just started leaking profusely. I couldn't stop the feelings and heartbreak though, despite all the pep talks I give myself, and all the prayers I've prayed, and, and, and... the pain just doesn't go away.
In my head, I was just shouting at God, "WHY?!?" "Why is this so hard? Why is all this time together lost? Why am I so unlovable? What did I DO?" All this, knowing there really is no answer; in all honesty, I don't even think my son could say that I've done anything so very terrible to deserve this.
Then right there, at 30,000 feet, I heard God say to me... "I know you feel forgotten, but you're not. I know you feel forsaken, but you're not. I know you feel unloved, but you're not. I know you feel unworthy, but you're not. I know you feel like you were a terrible parent, but you weren't. And aren't. I know you feel like nothing will ever change, but it will. Nothing is more important to me than you knowing you are loved by me, the Great I Am. I Am making a way in the darkness. I Am never letting you go, and I Am never letting ___________ go either."
I sit here, still struggling to believe all of that, stupid, stubborn, unfaithful human that I am.
While I was gone last week, I read a book about an alcoholic and every chapter the author ended with "Lord have mercy on me, a sinner. Help my unbelief." I think our more modern churches (at least mine) have moved away from those simple phrases that we can simply pray over and over until it starts to stick. So my prayer for me, for you, and for all of us, is to help our unbelief each day. Like you say, we can keep busy, and it dulls the pain, but it doesn't go away. There's so much that seems to be lost, but I know that God is a restorer, and a life-giver. He brought Jesus back to life and He can bring our relationships back to life too.
Sending prayers upon prayers and hugs to you on this difficult day. May God, in His infinite compassion and mercy, give you strength, hope, trust and belief that He will restore your daughter to you. xoxo
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Exhausted
Feb 12, 2017 6:56:11 GMT
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Post by lindajoan on Feb 12, 2017 6:56:11 GMT
Hurtmom, Saying a prayer for you. Estrangement from our children is sad and certainly not a path we expected our life to go down. It is so against God's plan for families. It seems no matter how long we have been on this journey it is still hard. Only God can give us the peace we need each day because He understands our pain. Praying for you.
Luke, you are so right. He cares more than anyone can. Saying a prayer for you.
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Post by everloving11 on Feb 12, 2017 13:57:42 GMT
Oh, Hurt Mom, we certainly understand this pain. Time doesn't heal ~ it has no magic all its own. The thoughts about our ES keep me so close to his presence I almost feel like I could reach out and touch him and hear his voice. I have to remind myself that he will not call or contact me...and remind myself that God is calling and contacting him as perfect Father. Praying for you.
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Post by byhisgracealone on Feb 12, 2017 21:10:01 GMT
Hurtmom, please know that everyone here understands your pain. Easter will be 8 years for my ED and 2 beautiful GC. It has never become easy, but I think I've been able to live with an exceptance now, that I struggled with before. I think luke2231 spoke volumes with the questions we probably all ask ourselves. Somedays are better than others, and I think what always rolls around in my head, is with all her imperfections, I never...could never do this to my own mother. She is now in her mid-eighties, and I treasure my time with her. I can't imagine having let this precious time slip away because I demanded I prove a point, and walk out to teach her a lesson. You have to be a certain type of cruel and narcissistic person to walk away from the woman who bore, nursed, loved, cuddled, guided, and dreamed for you. It amazes me how truly mean spirited certain people can be, and I'm ashamed to admit my daughter is one of them.
I will be praying for you hurt, that God will comfort you through your difficult times, and please know that you're not alone.
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Exhausted
Feb 13, 2017 1:32:18 GMT
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Post by lindajoan on Feb 13, 2017 1:32:18 GMT
ByHisgrace, I see it the way you do. What I wouldn't give for another day with my Godly and beautiful mother. I just don't get what our EC have done to their parents. It is disobedient to God's commandment.
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Post by JeepGirl on Feb 13, 2017 2:57:51 GMT
Sorry that you have been feeling so bad, 1hurtmom. About the same length of time for my estrangement. We do move forward but when these times come, they are so awful and the hurt we experience is so deep. And then the questioning and examining ourselves as moms. That's when we really do have to claim that scripture to "...take every thought captive." We have all made mistakes as parents (including those who are not estranged), but we were also good and loving parents. I pray you don't let satan pull you into his pit. The pain of not having our kids and grands is bad enough, without adding untruths to it. And our God does not want you to go there. The same words God spoke to Luke at 30,000 feet are for you also. He hasn't forgotten or forsaken either one of you or any of us.
I am praying for God's loving touch upon you. Your heartache came through your post and I am sure, just like I feel, we all wish we could ease your pain. Prayers going up and virtual hugs being sent to you.
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Post by 1hurtmom on Feb 13, 2017 18:18:47 GMT
Thank you everyone for your prayers. Can you also pray about my marriage as this whole thing isn't helping matters any. Has anyone else had marriage problems bc of this?
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Exhausted
Feb 13, 2017 20:17:44 GMT
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Post by lindajoan on Feb 13, 2017 20:17:44 GMT
I think estrangement takes a toll on a marriage and we must be very careful to stay strong in the Lord and with one another. The enemy would love to destroy a marriage along with the estrangement.
Saying a special prayer for you and your DH at this time. The estrangement affects our DHs also.
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Post by 1hurtmom on Feb 14, 2017 16:47:59 GMT
Yes its put a big strain on us because we both are going through it. Him with his xwife and kid so he is at her mercy unless we spend another 10,000 in attorney fees and she does what she wants anyways. She is always playing games telling him he can pick her up and then she isn't there. Last time the kid called and said she had to spend time with her mom and couldn't see him. Even though he has court order she never gets in trouble and the cops can do nothing. He never talks about it and takes his anger out on me. Then we have my whole family who is estranged from me plus my kid. Its a nightmare and I am surprised we are still married to be honest bc there is even more I can't even mention. I am stressed to the max and wonder how I get in this mess.
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Post by difficulttime2 on Feb 15, 2017 2:27:54 GMT
1hurtmom: My husband and I lost a baby many years before our estrangement from our ED. We learned then through various grief groups that couples get divorced after loss at a rate of 85% .. and that was many years ago.... Who knows what that percentage is now!
Anyway, estrangement is similar in the grief cycle to a death. The 'key' to surviving it is a couple IMHO is realizing that you will grieve separately and you MUST give each other permission to grieve in the time and place and way THEY need to. Once we realized this ... things went much smoother. We stopped blaming each other for not being in the same 'grief space' as the other ... and just accepted it when the other was having a difficult day ... and gave each other the space to grieve.
Also, another thing that I try to keep in mind is that I can't give this grief my whole day or my whole life. You have got to put that grief and heartache in a box and put it on a shelf for a while .... It's pretty hard for a spouse or anyone else for that matter to deal with you on a 24/7 basis if you are always in a state of acute grief. Because, then how fun are you to be around? Especially if the other person is grieving too. A person can only take so much! If you remember that and just give your grief a rest ... even if it is just a short time and 'get on' with focusing on your spouse, other children, relatives, or friends ... or get busy doing something for somebody else ... things will go much better for you and for those you love still in your life. You can always revisit your 'grief box' ... it'll still be on the shelf full of all that hurt when you go back to it.... After a while, it gets easier and easier to leave it alone. I don't mean to sound 'contrite' or something if you know what I mean ... it's very simple, but it really does work. It was a great tool for me in dealing with things and helping to put things into perspective.
It's been 6 and 1/2 years for me, so I understand your pain. For me, I'd say I am in a place of 'detachment' most of the time and I think it is because we had the prior experience of dealing with grief when we lost the baby, so the feelings of loss and grief was already familiar to us and we sort of knew what 'grief work' we'd have to do and we just got on with it.... But, it's never easy and I'm so sorry you are having so much pain. Praying for you... BIG BIG HUGS....
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Post by everloving11 on Feb 15, 2017 13:47:57 GMT
Praying for us all ~ our EC and our marriages.
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Exhausted
Feb 16, 2017 13:21:37 GMT
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Post by lindajoan on Feb 16, 2017 13:21:37 GMT
I am so sorry for your loss difficult. God bless you.
Thank you for sharing this very helpful idea about grieving. You are so right that is important we do not give dwelling on estrangement our whole day. There are many times I did that in the past five years.
We so much appreciate the wisdom you have shared. It helps us all so much.
Are there any other words of wisdom that can be shared to be of a help to others. We understand one another.
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Exhausted
Feb 28, 2017 8:20:10 GMT
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Post by 1hurtmom on Feb 28, 2017 8:20:10 GMT
Thank you. He went to a counselor so hopefully he will talk about it.
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