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Post by poodlegirl61 on Jan 23, 2017 2:39:17 GMT
Well, deep breath.....things are not good. My ES and his oldest two boys (ages 3 and 2) came Friday afternoon and went to my other grandson's 5th birthday party. It was wonderful! His sister, with whom he has hurt deeply, was there as well, and they seemed to reconnect. So much so that after the party, she and her son (also 3) came over to my house and we all played spades until about 11 pm. It was just like olden times, I tell you. They were laughing and hugging and it was so wonderful. The next day we all got up, had breakfast, and then everyone went their separate ways. We had already told him we had plans the next day. So, we all went off. Remember, this was the first time he had been in our home overnight in six years and we only met two of the children a month ago. So everything is very new and tenuous. And I won't go in to all the gory details about what his wife has put us all through...you can read my past posts and many of you remember from the old website. Cat and mouse mind games and roller coaster rides are what it was mostly about. Anyway, I was kind of wondering why he was making a visit so soon after he was just here Christmas, but I wanted to be positive. Now I am thinking it was something orchestrated by her. This afternoon he sent us a text saying on Feb 26 (a Sunday) "they" wanted to know if we would be home for a visit. Well, of course we were thinking who is "they"? Remember, at this first visit a month ago (which was out of the blue!) he told us basically that "every family has someone they dislike but for the sake of the boys we will make this work" and he made no mention of her, and so we foolishly (or not so foolishly) assumed he meant we could have a relationship SEPARATE from her. We would never try to come between them or insinuate he leave her for us, nothing like that. We just thought he meant every now and then perhaps he could drop in for a visit when she is visiting her father, who lives 30 minutes away. It was logical. And remember, my ES is a lawyer, so he is very good at wording things to be vague. So anyway, my husband and I didn't know how to come out and ask about the wife, so we just timidly asked if the sleeping arrangements would be like last time (this time) because we thought maybe she would stay with her daddy, and he with us or whatever. And he said no, the whole family including her. I nearly threw up when I read it. My stomach clenched, and I really thought I would vomit. My husband had prepared me just this morning for this exact scenario. He said he had a feeling something was brewing and it was all a set up, not a genuine effort for our son to have a relationship with us, separate from the wife. But I kept clinging to his words he said last month. And he reminded me that this sort of thing has our DIL written all over it. Why such a quick visit after the last one? But I was so hopeful. Nope, it was just a grand scheme to stuff her back down our throats. And I won't dredge everything back up, but there have been heinous things said and done and I am terrified of her. So two quickie visits with him and the boys and suddenly she's coming too? For a weekend? Our son just re entered our life after SIX YEARS and we only just met two of the children. And now the WIFE who caused the whole thing?  So we very politely told him how much we loved him, and how much we honored and respected his marriage and would never interfere, but for now, we do not feel comfortable around her and we would prefer separate visits. And he said he can't come in a house where his wife is not welcome. Well, I find that odd. We had this whole discussion six years ago, and he was fine these past two times, and we thought he understood. I am not sure why he came at all, except to dangle those poor kids in front of us only to snatch them away. And I know some of you will judge my husband and I. I know my friends here in my town would. They would say, oh you should cave to any demand, and do whatever he says, if it means getting to see the grands and him again. But we cannot. She has not once apologized for a single thing she has said or done (neither has he) and I am truly terrified of her. Anyway, that's about it. He's really mad at us again. But we told him we loved him and he would always be our little boy and how we enjoyed seeing HIS little boys. But we are not ready for that merry go round with her again. My heart is broken. |
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Post by poodlegirl61 on Jan 23, 2017 2:43:49 GMT
Oh, and one more thing....this time my ES did have the nerve to ask to use the apartment across the street from AT&T Stadium. I knew it....
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Post by JeepGirl on Jan 23, 2017 3:00:01 GMT
Oh Poodlegirl, I am so sorry to hear all of this. As parents, we can be deceived so many times because of our love for our adult children and grandchildren. And how can we not take a chance as you did, once again, because how will we know whether or not they are sincere unless we take that chance?
It appears you and dh are now standing firm, together, in how you want to continue and in your expectations. I offer continued prayers for you and your family, asking God to guide you and assure you in your decision-making and continue to be with you in this heart-wrenching situation.
Wondering how your daughter and other children are feeling about this? Regardless, as is said repeatedly here, no one understands estrangement unless they are in our shoes. Again, asking God to guide you.
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Post by everloving11 on Jan 23, 2017 3:14:09 GMT
I am praying - no one knows exactly what you're going through except for you and the Lord.
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Post by lindajoan on Jan 23, 2017 3:38:23 GMT
Poodle, This is a difficult situation for you and DH. The best thing is that you are like minded in your decision. Do you think your ES is requesting that his wife come for the next visit because he has told her how good the visits have been or do you think it is her idea? I was wondering when she would want to become part of things too.
You and your DH know how hurt you have been by your DIL in the past. You have prayed and responded to your son in the way the Lord has led you. Do you think he can keep the reconciliation the way it is for a while and continue to make progress?
Saying a prayer for you. Please keep us posted on how you are.
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Post by difficulttime2 on Jan 23, 2017 6:39:09 GMT
No, no judgment here, at all.
You don't have to have them in your home ... that's your safe zone and you are entitled to it. Mental illness or whatever is wrong with DIL is nothing to be sneezed at. You should be cautious, very cautious.
Frankly, I think it is sort of manipulative for your son to show up with the two grands in his arms at your door.... Of course you would jump through hoops ... your ES knew that, it's a no brainer.
This behavior says volumes about your ES. You are right to put the brakes on IMHO. If your son was sincere about reconciliation, there would be understanding from his part as well, and there doesn't seem to be.
Reconnecting with him or them is fine ... but there must be boundaries and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you and your DH doing that for your own marriage and sanity.
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Post by luke2231 on Jan 23, 2017 14:50:21 GMT
I'm so sorry Poodle. To have that dangled in front of you, then to have the rug pulled out from underneath! Maybe I'm naive, because you've dealt with this for so many years, but what about the possibility of meeting them in a neutral place? For lunch or a day at a park or something? With your D and other S too. In a public place where things can't get out of hand and either of you could walk away without it feeling so personal because it was at your home...
Believe me, I totally understand about the DIL!!! But is there even the tiniest possibility that she sees her kids are missing out on a relationship with you both and wants to "try" to get along for their sake? Or that she sees how miserable he is? Again, maybe I'm naive/optimistic/forgiving/inexperienced, and despite my DIL, I can never understand your particular situation, but I always go back to the person my son was before her. I think that in many instances, he does what he does to make his home life less miserable. Maybe your son was reaching out before she pulled him back, so to speak. I may just be this giant Pollyanna, but I wonder if you agreed to a trial balloon meeting (not at your house) then you could really assess the situation and get feedback from your other kids.
I apologize if I've overstepped, and I know you're praying, praying, praying for God to lead you to the right way to handle all of this! Only you can discern His voice in all of this, so please know that I'm praying, praying, praying for you too!
xoxo
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Post by poodlegirl61 on Jan 23, 2017 16:04:04 GMT
I appreciate everyones input. Big sigh...I guess the one positive in all of this is that so far at least, he hasn't resorted to calling us names and saying "no contact". Instead, what he said after we told him we weren't ready to be around DIL was that he would still bring the boys and "pop in from time to time". Which is still huge. And then the final zinger about using the apartment in Arlington. My husband did not reply to that one. Her mental condition is so severe that the last time we allowed to them stay there, they got into a terrible fight and holes were punched in the apartment walls. So you can understand why we don't want them there. I do think that our ES misses us. He misses his siblings and us, and just all the fun we had. I am telling you, out of the 4 children, HE was the touchstone. He had the closest relationship with everyone. He and older brother were close. He and sister were close. He and little brother were close. He and I. He and his dad. We were the Norman Rockwall family! And he misses it. Football games in the front yard, spades in the kitchen, smores by the fire pit...you get the idea. And we welcome him and the little boys. But I repeat, until she has a BIG CHANGE (either by medicine or by a salvation experience with Jesus) we just cannot be around her. She's too scary. And she twists things. I wish I could adequately explain to you how she is. And she can say the most awful things. She accused my husband of only having that apartment so he could cheat on me. Not only a terrible thing to say about me, but also my precious husband. There are things she has done and said I can't even bear to type. And our son himself even said he thinks she's possessed by a demon. That was what he said when he took the money for the divorce. Of course now he has no memory of it. Anyway, IF she truly changes someday, well of course my door will be open to her as well and I will rejoice. Also, I do feel there was a lot of manipulation involved. Yes, he misses us, but also they want that apartment across from the Cowboys (it is also across from the Rangers as well as Six Flags) and also I think he wants to dump the kids on us to baby sit. He made some reference to us "keeping them for a week or so in the summers".... Now, I am going to be honest here. We only just met the children. We do not know them yet. Yes, they could stay a week in the summer if our son stays too, but I don't know them well enough and they don't know me. It would traumatize them! I closely watched Friday night how he put them to bed. He gave both of them Benadryl which I felt very uncomfortable about. He said that's the only way they sleep? I could never drug my grandchildren like that! I just don't know. I would watch them for a few hours for my son, but I feel uncomfortable about anything more. At least for now. I feel like I'm being set up as a doormat.
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Post by lindajoan on Jan 23, 2017 17:09:53 GMT
You are a wise woman and are blessed to have a good DH. It is so important to know yourselves and how the Lord is leading. Boundaries are important for all people involved.
I agree it is early to share your place and your babysitting. Reconciliation is a process. God bless you with His leading as you continue to reconnect with your son. Thank you for sharing this with us. It helps so much.
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Post by brokenmama on Jan 26, 2017 2:25:17 GMT
You seem to be making a very wise choice. I know one of my biggest mistakes with my daughter was rushing back in and attempting to do everything I could and everything she wanted...of course it ended in disaster, doing that. As soon as things did not go her way , or if i even said anything she didnt want to hear, she was gone. Wise choice in guarding your lives against what you know could be chaos in your home. I pray for Gods guidance for us all......We want to welcome back our prodigals but our homes must be peaceful places and they must do their part too. Blessings
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Post by bythestreams on Jan 26, 2017 22:11:51 GMT
Oh my goodness. My heart bleeds for you. Praying for much wisdom and God's care for this. Ya know ladies I really am beginning to think there are two main reasons ,on our end, for this horrible trial of estrangement. One is the blessedness of us knowing and loving our Lord more and learning of His all sufficiency. But the second one is His protection. We all didn't grow up in this craziness of personalities. Its ugly, it's wicked, it's demonic. God is protecting us in our safe havens, space. We do need to recognize and thank Him for that Love. I think when we get to heaven and learn all the answers to this we will forever be praising and thanking Him for His love AND PROTECTION. This is happening to a lot of our christian home families where our children made professions of faith. Oh my Satan is alive and well but God is God and He is protecting us. Beyond our grief we need to pray that God would demolish those horrible strongholds in our kids lives. They have to fight and learn from their choices. We can't do it for them. Stand strong my sister's we know who WINS. Enjoy your evening with God's love and peaceful,presence.
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So we very politely told him how much we loved him, and how much we honored and respected his marriage and would never interfere, but for now, we do not feel comfortable around her and we would prefer separate visits. And he said he can't come in a house where his wife is not welcome. Well, I find that odd. We had this whole discussion six years ago, and he was fine these past two times, and we thought he understood. I am not sure why he came at all, except to dangle those poor kids in front of us only to snatch them away. And I know some of you will judge my husband and I. I know my friends here in my town would. They would say, oh you should cave to any demand, and do whatever he says, if it means getting to see the grands and him again. But we cannot. She has not once apologized for a single thing she has said or done (neither has he) and I am truly terrified of her. Anyway, that's about it. He's really mad at us again. But we told him we loved him and he would always be our little boy and how we enjoyed seeing HIS little boys. But we are not ready for that merry go round with her again. My heart is broken.
