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Post by JeepGirl on Jan 22, 2017 18:09:23 GMT
As some of you know, this past year I have made a decision to end any attempts to make amends with my es, based on recommendations from Dr. Coleman. My daughter is well aware of all the things my es has said and done, and the actions of my grands, and that, at this point, I am not making any other attempts. My door is open but es has to make the attempt.
Over the past two days, my daughter has brought es's name up twice and each time I made no comment. My dh said if she does it again I should just remind her of our situation, that I understand he is her brother but I do not want to talk about him.
The other day, while we were out to dinner celebrating my gs's birthday (grands and sil were present) my daughter states that my es is going to the same heart specialist I had gone to and that when asked about his family history, he told my daughter, he didn't know anything and that is what he said to doctor. (44 years old, really? ) She told him he should tell doctor to look at my file and get info from there. As I said, I made no comment. But everyone at the table heard what my daughter had said. You can imagine my thoughts afterward. Then yesterday, she said something else about es, but not quite as intense, I can't remember what it was, but again I was silent. For months, my daughter hasn't mentioned my es and his family and then she gets like this. It angers my dh and I don't appreciate it, but not sure why she does it. I probably will do what my dh suggested and say something to her next time (if we are alone).
There is such a snowball affect in our estrangements and it reaches out to so many others. UGH. |
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Post by difficulttime2 on Jan 22, 2017 21:48:06 GMT
Luke 15: 29-30 " . . . ‘Look, all these years I served you and not once did I disobey your orders; yet you never gave me even a young goat to feast on with my friends. 30 But when your son returns who swallowed up your property with prostitutes, for him you slaughter the fattened calf.’"
Jeep: I think your daughter's response is pretty typical. Seems like the siblings of EC's often become judgmental or have opinions about what their parents shoulda, coulda or woulda .... in any given situation.
I am sure it upsets her that her brother is dealing with something ... you're mom, aren't you going to fix it ... hmmm .... They just can't comprehend our situation, even though they hear and see what we are going through.
The brother of the 'prodigal' became angry and jealous. He saw what the father 'went through,' yet couldn't bring himself to celebrate.
It's sort of the same thing IMO ... they can't relate, even though they are up front and center witnessing it all.
If you think about it ... especially in family situations, the victim is usually expected to make everyone else feel comfortable, shut up and put up ... never the bully. At least that has been my experience. Just my opinion, hope this helps.
I agree, there is a snowball effect in estrangement and it's typical to get hammered from all sides. I think you need to just keep doing what you know is right ... and let the offenses go by and chalk it up to your daughter just not being able to 'get it' because she's not you.
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Post by lindajoan on Jan 22, 2017 22:14:29 GMT
It is very difficult to hear your ED mention ES I am sure. All siblings are affected differently. Our sons would have nothing to do with ED unless a full and complete apology was made to her parents especially DH with whom she came against with accusations.
After praying, if led, you could kindly let your daughter knows that it hurts you when she brings up your ES's name. She may try to understand for your sake. Again, though, unless someone walks in our shoes as an estranged parent it is hard to really understand.
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Post by luke2231 on Jan 23, 2017 15:41:32 GMT
JeepGirl,
I think that estrangement plays mind games with all of us, including the siblings. After our ES reneged on his student loan, our daughter went off-the-rails crazy angry saying we needed to prosecute, contact Interpol, etc... on him. It kind of took me by surprise because she never ever talks about him.
My point is, I think that for as much of a heart issue as it is to us, it probably is one to our other kids too, and it comes out in strange ways perhaps!
I definitely think that you should say something to your daughter about how your heart breaks every time she mentions him; she may not realize how deeply hurt and wounded her words make you. By the same token, though, steel yourself because she might just tell you that to not talk about him hurts her. Maybe not, but then again, talking about him might be how she can maintain some semblance of normalcy in her family.
I think "steel yourself" is the key phrase though, don't you? I feel we're like soldiers on the battlefield who constantly have to shrug off the gruesome casualties in order to stay sane; we do what we have to do to be able to move forward with our lives!
Praying for you to have the courage to say what you need to say with grace and purpose, and also for those words to be accepted and understood. And for God to present an opening sooner rather than later...
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Post by bettyshe on Jan 25, 2017 0:53:29 GMT
JeepGirl, I am so sorry that you are having to endure this. Your daughter knows all that you have endured. Please do not let her "egg" you into becoming angry or show distress. I had a similar situation happen to me with my close first cousin only later to find out that she had taken sides in the situation with my ED and was mentioning my ED to get a rise out of me so that she too could abandon me. Anything we do can set off a relative and cause us more harm, pain, and shame. Don't let your daughter force your hand. Just take it....because in reality (as I found out  ) we can't make people love us and show kindness. Keep her close in your life and don't let the enemy win. I know your pain and am praying for you. |
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Post by everloving11 on Jan 25, 2017 13:52:31 GMT
How true, Bettyshe. After all, Jesus (Who is love) wasn't loved by all and even members of his own family misunderstood and rejected Him. If people will reject unconditional, perfect, all-forgiving love why should we expect members of our own families to do any better. Which makes that compassionate relationship we all share with one another all the more precious!
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) She told him he should tell doctor to look at my file and get info from there. As I said, I made no comment. But everyone at the table heard what my daughter had said. You can imagine my thoughts afterward. Then yesterday, she said something else about es, but not quite as intense, I can't remember what it was, but again I was silent.
) we can't make people love us and show kindness. Keep her close in your life and don't let the enemy win. I know your pain and am praying for you. 