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Post by difficulttime2 on Jan 16, 2017 22:56:56 GMT
So, if your EC were suddenly back in your life, with or without apology ... would that make you happy?
Perhaps I am cynical, but I just don't have any illusions about my own ED .... I think that if she came back, it would be drama and something for me to endure, rather than to enjoy.
In some ways I believe God has not brought her back to me because I am too sick to handle it and it is simply God having mercy on me right now.
I know that sounds sort of awful ... but the daughter who could call the police and lie to them, and then lie in wait, knowing that we'd come and search for her ... and then use our good intentions against us .... well, the silence is somewhat a blessing right now.
Oh, she claims she knows Jesus ... in fact, she writes she is 'crazy about Jesus' ... yeah, right ....
I miss the grandchildren, but I have no illusions that having my daughter back in my life would equate to happiness....
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Post by byhisgracealone on Jan 17, 2017 0:20:59 GMT
It doesn't sound awful, difficult. I understand exactly what you're saying. I love my ED very, very much, and pray for her everyday, but I too, would actually be nervous if she came back into my life. The on again, off again relationship, depending on how she felt each day, is more than I can bear at this point in my life. I have actually adjusted, Lord willing, to my life without her causing such drama, and hurt.
You're last sentence sums it up. I also, do not have illusions of my daughter's return bringing happiness. With God all things are possible, but I chose now to live in gratitude to God for my blessings, and not wait for my ED's return.
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Post by difficulttime2 on Jan 17, 2017 1:10:03 GMT
thank you for understanding what I was trying to say ... Once they estrange, it's all just so bittersweet.
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Post by everloving11 on Jan 17, 2017 1:18:33 GMT
I agree - I would be just as nervous and on-edge...
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Post by brokenmama on Jan 17, 2017 1:45:25 GMT
So, if your EC were suddenly back in your life, with or without apology ... would that make you happy? Perhaps I am cynical, but I just don't have any illusions about my own ED .... I think that if she came back, it would be drama and something for me to endure, rather than to enjoy. In some ways I believe God has not brought her back to me because I am too sick to handle it and it is simply God having mercy on me right now. I know that sounds sort of awful ... but the daughter who could call the police and lie to them, and then lie in wait, knowing that we'd come and search for her ... and then use our good intentions against us .... well, the silence is somewhat a blessing right now. Oh, she claims she knows Jesus ... in fact, she writes she is 'crazy about Jesus' ... yeah, right .... I miss the grandchildren, but I have no illusions that having my daughter back in my life would equate to happiness.... I would want her back in my life only if she could behave herself. Act like a decent person. Respect me. I also have had the pain of having my own child call the police on me when i went looking for her. I was mocked and cussed and taunted . I remember screaming and crying when the police called to tell me I would be arrested if i went back to the dump she was living in (i had gone searching for her, not knowing at all where she was. I did nothing but peer over a fence .......)........She has to act like a decent person. Yes we love unconditionally and forgive....But, We are not doormats or abused. I simply cant live like that anymore. I'm sorry and pray for peace and mercy for you and your child, and that God would give us wisdom each day as to how to handle all this....in His name....
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Post by lindajoan on Jan 17, 2017 2:00:05 GMT
Such truth and wisdom spoken here by mothers who love and forgive.
My. DH and I believe God will reveal it at the time if there is real change in our ED. There must be! Jesus would not want anyone here hurt or dishonored. My Pastor says when there is true repentance and sincere motives on our ED's part then we can (then we will) respond with grace. She is not there yet!
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Post by difficulttime2 on Jan 17, 2017 2:59:15 GMT
Broken, the police called you on the phone? Unbelievable!
It is unbelievable that our EC's use laws that are meant to protect people from predators and weirdos, and our stupid kids use it to hammer their own parents over the head ... and to prove what? That they are grown ups and they can keep mommy away?? Fine ... let them wallow in the pig pen for a while until they get a clue...
For me, I'll bet my EC was shocked when we didn't 'chase' her.... she'd have loved nothing more. All the drama was completely unnecessary and she went to great lengths to create it ... sounds like yours did too Broken .... So sorry, from a mom who knows what it feels like to have their kid do something so horrible.
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Post by bettyshe on Jan 17, 2017 3:20:00 GMT
I have known the feelings you describe and it does not feel good. The pain is unbearable. Our Savoir is truly human and knows how much we hurt. I pray "Lord the ones you love are hurting, please help us.
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Post by brokenmama on Jan 17, 2017 3:52:32 GMT
Broken, the police called you on the phone? Unbelievable! It is unbelievable that our EC's use laws that are meant to protect people from predators and weirdos, and our stupid kids use it to hammer their own parents over the head ... and to prove what? That they are grown ups and they can keep mommy away?? Fine ... let them wallow in the pig pen for a while until they get a clue... For me, I'll bet my EC was shocked when we didn't 'chase' her.... she'd have loved nothing more. All the drama was completely unnecessary and she went to great lengths to create it ... sounds like yours did too Broken .... So sorry, from a mom who knows what it feels like to have their kid do something so horrible. They did. I was beyond shocked and full of sorrow. The officer was kind, but said you simply cannot go back up there. I had no idea where she was, but i knew where thug boyfriend lived (now thug husband)......and sure enough i found her. Only to be told to bleep off ......i will never put myself in such a position again (a position of trying to plead with a prodigal to come home)....They have to get tired of pig slop first.....i hope she does.
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Post by JeepGirl on Jan 17, 2017 4:06:58 GMT
I don't think "happy" is the term I would use. I would be grateful for no longer being estranged; however, my es was always a little different and his visits were usually stressful. I used to like talking to my dil but towards the end, she just complained a lot about my son and talked about divorce. What would truly make me "happy" would be seeing my grandchildren.
My es and dil have totally drained me and, although, I would accept them back into my life (with respectful attitudes); I would be just as happy to simply have my grandchildren back. All the hurt, lies, and disrespect have taken its toll on me. Hard to believe I just admitted this. When I finally made the decision to honor my es's wishes and not have any contact with he or his family, it was a major turning point. A point where I truly gave my es over to God and, now, if my es would like me back into life, he will be the one to seek that.
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Post by difficulttime2 on Jan 17, 2017 4:21:25 GMT
Broken, Ugh, I know what that is like and I'm so sorry.... Guess our kids have to get done 'wallowing' ... maybe they like the mud and have become 'nose blind' to the stench of sin. Satan is the great pretender and the father of lies ... Lets pray God shines a light in the darkness. Having said that, I think there are valuable lessons that they may need to learn while in the 'mud'....
Jeep, I couldn't agree with what you said more. It is completely how I feel right now. I'm just 'over it,' ya know ... would love to see the grandkids ... but I'm just over the drama of my ED. I'm tired. I am trying to be faithful in prayer for her, but I admit I am waning sometimes .... God gives us strength to carry on ....
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Post by poodlegirl61 on Jan 17, 2017 14:26:07 GMT
What a timely post. Well, as most of you know, we ARE in the early stages of reconciliation, and my ES is suddenly back in our lives, with three children, I might add. Even though it is what I have prayed for daily for eight years, I would be lying if it isn't stressing me out. I had gotten used to him being gone, and never calling, and not being present for Christmas or Thanksgiving or any of it. I had "settled in" to the estrangement in other words. Oh I would still have my sad moments and my pity parties, but for the most part, I was pretty happy and content with my other three children with whom I am close to, and also my other three grandchildren who I am close to. So it was not only bearable, it was actually pretty good! I know I was/am luckier than many in that I do have other children. And I do think that may have had some bearing on my ES's thinking. Deep down a part of me thinks that HE thought he was indispensable and we would turn backflips and beg and plead for him to come back, especially since he has children now. But we stood firm and never caved in to his ridiculous demands. And his wife is pure evil. So we stood firm and besides, the Lord blessed us with three other grandchildren who kept us plenty busy. That doesn't mean we weren't sad and grieving for him, but it did help. Well I think he was just flabbergasted his little carrots that he waved over our heads (the kids) had no effect on us whatsoever and we stood firm. And we stood firm TOGETHER. Remember, they tried everything, even so far as accusing my wonderful husband of 35 years of cheating on me! Anyway, his plan didn't work, and now he's' back. And to answer your question, I'm not sure exactly how I feel. I am still numb!
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Post by lindajoan on Jan 17, 2017 18:01:37 GMT
I am so blessed that your son is coming again. Such an answer to prayer. It must be that his wife although she has not joined in yet must be in favor of the reconciliation.
Could you please share with us if there was an apology made to you or to your DH? You mentioned lies and accusations. Our ED has also told lies and made up fantasy accusations. Each one is led to handle reconciliation differently. Knowing some of these steps would be so helpful.
I will continue to keep the family in prayer. Estrangement takes a toll on each family member including siblings. Healing and building trust take time. God bless you all and please keep us posted.
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Post by poodlegirl61 on Jan 17, 2017 19:00:57 GMT
Lindajoan, no, there absolutely has been NO apology. And that is very hard. I wish he would humble himself and just bear his soul, but so far, no, nothing like that. In our case, and I know each case is different, and I will try to make this as short as possible, but he was an ideal son up until the age of 23. Very close to us and his siblings. When he was 23 and a senior in college, he met a woman who was 31 and had been married 3 times before, but no children. From the get go she was very hostile and would accuse us of all manner of strange things...said we were mean to her, ignored her, once she said there wasn't enough milk in my house so it meant I didn't want her there? Just crazy odd things. My husband and I were floored as we had never been around anyone like this. Finally our son confessed she had severe mental problems and had in fact been in and out of mental institutions as well as jail. From that moment on there was a constant cat and mouse game with them....he would cry to us for help, we would help and commiserate, he would run back to her, they would hate on us, etc. Then I would try to reach out to her, thinking it would please my son, but it had the opposite effect...he would accuse me of being fake. Then they got married and started having children immediately. We got to see the first one, but things were very strange and weird, one minute she acted like she liked me, the next she was blasting me on Facebook. Then our son came to us asking for money for a divorce because he said she was violent, the police had been called several times, he was afraid for the baby, etc. So we gave the $$$, and once again the pattern resumed. After we gave the $$$ that is when holy heck broke loose and total estrangement ensued. That was 3 years ago. During the past 3 years there would be outbursts from them about how evil, vile, and toxic we were and they never wanted to speak to us, only for a few months later they wanted to use the condo or the lake house. Then they got on this kick that "all of these problems" were because I was Facebook friends with some woman my DIL hated. So when I called their bluff, and unfriended the woman, they then made more demands. Always demands, and never apologies. That has been the rule. And my husband and I stood strong and firm and never once gave in to their demands. As much as we sometimes wanted to, we did not. And it infuriated them I am sure. And they tried to cause division between us, by insinuated my husband was cheating on me. We were always kind, and honest and never once stooped to any of their name calling but we would not be their doormats. We told our son our door was always open for him and his children and even for her if she could get help or medication or whatever but we are terrified of her. And so they stomped and threw fits and called names and we just stood strong. And prayed. And stayed consistent. And now I guess he's realized he can't dangle the kids over us like carrots and we were serious. But no, there has been no apology. Just an abrupt about face. What he said to us was this, "Everyone has someone in their family they don't like, but we will make this work for the boys' sake. They need to know their grandparents." And we basically said awesome, bring em on!
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Post by lindajoan on Jan 17, 2017 20:26:26 GMT
Thank you so much for sharing. It sounds like this has been difficult for your son too considering his wife's issues. So many people are hurt when there is an estranged family member.
May God continue to bless you all during this reconciliation process. Lots of prayer and God's guidance will be needed. We are here for you and would love to hear how God continues to work in your family's life.
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