culda
New Member
Posts: 3
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Post by culda on Dec 27, 2016 17:31:35 GMT
Hi all I am new here. My ED died 3/17/16. We have one other child, a son, who disowned us the day after the election. I feel numb. I know I should feel something but it is more just stunned disbelief that after we raised our kids in a Christian home, took them to church and Awana, sent them to summer camp and youth retreats, continued giving and giving after they reached adulthood, helping them financially as well as supporting them emotionally, both of our children have ended up estranged from us. Our daughter was in her 3rd marriage and in serious (felony) legal trouble; it looks like to us that her husband was the "mastermind" of that horrible series of events, and she ended up dead of a medical drug overdose - due to her ghetto living circumstances nobody in authority did any investigating of the circumstances of her death, and the "medical care" she received after her overdose actually hastened and/or caused her death, so we are left with nothing but anger and questions. Her 1st and 2nd husbands 400+ miles away have custody of our grandkids and even though we have been promised visitation, it has not transpired. Our son also has a child, his ex has custody and we never see her - they live 500+ miles away. (He doesn't see her either. Sad. Sad. Sad.) I just can't understand how, when we were such a close loving family, baked goodies together, went swimming, hiking, biking, sledding, camping, fishing, played board games, had bonfires, had pets, how can it end up this way? Why? All my siblings kids have turned out great and some of them had serious issues like sexual abuse, parent in prison, etc. I just don't get it.
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Post by luke2231 on Dec 27, 2016 18:20:10 GMT
Oh, Culda, first, let me say how deeply sorry I am for your loss. A double loss of your daughter, and then a triple loss by the absence of your son. My heart breaks for you and I am lifting you up in prayer RIGHT NOW!!!
I am glad you are here though. We are really a virtual family in the best sense. We listen when you want and need to vent. We don't judge. We pray for each other, encourage one another and love each other when our kids won't or can't. And when our husbands are tired of us trying to diagnose the cause of the estrangement or tired of us being sad about it, we listen.
I think we're all in the same boat, truly. We tried our best to be good parents, did things with and FOR our kids and have been left wondering what went wrong and why. My personal opinion is that parenting theory and practice of the day was that we were supposed to be there and do it all for our kids. We were supposed to sacrifice our wants, needs, and goals for theirs. But that flew in the face of hundreds of thousands of years where children were the afterthought, not the focus of the family. When we've told them how special they are, but when the they find out in the real world they AREN'T, they have to blame someone, not themselves. Our generation was taught to look at our failure and use it to push to overcome; our EC's didn't have to overcome because it was handed to them. Yes, we made them do chores, punished and disciplined them, but when they could get participation trophies instead of winner trophies, it was hard for us to overcome the tide of the culture. We all did it, unknowingly thinking we were doing what was right. Apparently not though... This is just my opinion, and I'm certainly no expert at all!
Anyway, please know that while we wish there was no need for this forum, we're glad that we have found each other! God Bless and Hugs to you Culda!!!
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Post by everloving11 on Dec 27, 2016 18:27:47 GMT
First of all, welcome to this group of caring ladies who are going or have gone through similar circumstances. Honestly, I think we all fear the death of our own EC ~ I am so sorry for your loss. The only comfort here is that, with all your Christian nurturing, she probably ended up in God's loving arms and you will be reconciled with her in eternity. God, in His mercy, may have allowed her earthly turmoil to end. But not yours... Take the time to read over some of the other responses we have posted lately. Satan is nasty and appeals to the dark side of our nature - after all, God's first two kids had EVERYTHING they could ever want or need and knowingly followed Satan's invitation, turning their backs on their perfect Parent. Don't beat yourself up too badly (yes, we have or are still there...) God holds them accountable for their actions ~ not you. You are totally welcome and safe at this site. We do not judge ~ we encourage you to be honest ~ we understand.
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New here
Dec 27, 2016 18:55:16 GMT
via mobile
Post by lindajoan on Dec 27, 2016 18:55:16 GMT
Cuida, I truly want to welcome you here. If we can do anything for you please let us know. We are here to listen, to help, and to pray one for another.
My deepest sympathies go out to you on the loss of your daughter.
I understand what you mean when you describe the upbringing of your son. We did our best (although imperfect) with our ED, also. There was no appreciation and worse our thanks was to be lied about and false allegations made about too. At first, in my heart I blamed my ED, the people who influenced her, and ourselves. I have come to realize that the enemy is alive and well and had his way. He seeks to destroy us and what better way than taking our children away.
The better news for us is that "Greater is He that is in us than he that is in the world". Our only hope is Jesus.
God bless you new friend. We are here for you.
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Post by bettyshe on Dec 27, 2016 19:27:15 GMT
Welcome Culda, I'm happy you found us so that you will realize that you are not alone. My ED passed away 2 years ago Dec. 2016..,so I feel your pain. I takes so long to heal from the many disappointments of estrangement. Do what you can to connect to your grandchildren. They will need you. Again welcome here and come as often as you need to vent and be understood.
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Post by everloving11 on Dec 27, 2016 21:05:32 GMT
Bettyshe, I am so sorry for you. I will pray for you whenever I pray for Culda
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Post by JeepGirl on Dec 27, 2016 21:21:45 GMT
Glad you found us Culda. You will be safe here and free to open and share. I have a dear friend who lost 4 of her adult children (2 to drug overdose) and she always tells me, (in your thoughts) "You don't want to go there". Only those who have experienced such a deep loss can truly understand. She is a Believer and she always says, "Only my Lord has sustained me." I am sorry for the loss of your daughter and my prayers are that God will sustain YOU.
I believe the same as everloving, you were obedient to God's Word, you trained your daughter up in the ways of the Lord and He knew her heart when she passed.
Your grandchildren are not close in proximity but, from what you wrote, it doesn't appear that it will be impossible to see them. Although it hasn't happened yet, you have been promised visitation with your daughter's children. It may take some work and time, especially for your son's children, but..."With God ALL things are possible." As you begin your efforts in visitation, if you pray before every phone call, e-mail, etc. and ask God to fill you with His Holy Spirit, His light will shine through you in every attempt and you will see His hand. Maybe you can do quick posts here when you will be doing something so we can lift you in prayer also.
All of us have questioned our estrangements, our parenting skills, what we may have done wrong and questioned those parents who seem to not care about their kids, abused them, are on drugs, etc. and yet their children seem to be there for them while ours are not. Wish I had an answer but the only one I know is to "...trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." We just need to keep our eyes fixed upon Jesus and seek His will for us. When we read the Psalms, they say a great deal about what will happen to our enemies and those who have sinned and seem to be doing so well. We really don't want to be in their shoes.
Love and prayers being sent out to you and direction from the Lord as to how you should proceed. Trust Him!
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Post by byhisgracealone on Dec 27, 2016 22:13:14 GMT
Culda, while I welcome you to our safe place, I also offer you my condolences. I cannot even imagine the pain of losing a child, it's difficult enough being estranged from my daughter. Certainly, Bettyshe can relate the most to your circumstance, I can only imagine it.
Please come often, we are all here to listen and learn from one another. Sometimes, I quietly read each post after work in the evening, but don't reply. Other times, I'm a little more chatty. That's the best part.... there aren't any rules, just understanding.
You will find a group of women here who have loved, and still love their estranged children, who put Christ above all else, and need the comfort of those who feel the same.
I will lift you in prayer Culda. May The Lord give you peace...
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Post by poodlegirl61 on Dec 28, 2016 2:37:47 GMT
I don't know what to say, except you are so welcome here. I am so very deeply sorry for your daughter's death. I pray that somehow you can connect to your grands. There is nothing that God cannot do. I very much believe in the power of prayer and I will be praying for you.
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culda
New Member
Posts: 3
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Post by culda on Dec 28, 2016 13:59:29 GMT
Thank you everybody for the nice welcome. I am going through a lot of stuff right now, so I may be in and out for a while. Good to hear from you all.
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