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Post by luke2231 on Nov 13, 2016 13:09:33 GMT
This is our first Christmas without contact from ES. A couple weeks ago, I emailed asking for Christmas gift ideas for him and our DIL. No answer. Honestly though, I don't even know that if we sent anything they'd get to him; his phone no longer works and his current address is invalid. My DH and an aunt who has dealt with estrangement say that we don't/shouldn't send anything because he's made his position clear. Maybe I'm deluding myself, but on some level I think that if we don't send something, it will reinforce in his mind that we really were/are horrible parents.
His love language has always been gifts; he's taken immense pleasure in choosing meaningful and thoughtful gifts for others, and he definitely appreciates when others do the same. So there's that.
And I really feel that our DIL is at the root of the estrangement. Everything changed when he met her. So again, if we send something, there's just that little bit of ammunition for him to say to her (or think to himself) that we care.
Maybe I am just so caught up with my hopeful thoughts that I'm not grounded in reality.
What do you do or have you done in regards to Christmas cards & gifts and birthdays too? I honestly have no holiday spirit and would prefer to just "cancel" Christmas this year...
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Post by lindajoan on Nov 13, 2016 13:29:37 GMT
It is such a personal decision as each estrangement journey is different. After praying, if the Lord places it on your heart to send a gift then follow His leading. Of course, an address would be needed.
It is hard to go through holidays and special occasions when we are estranged from loved ones. The Lord will help each of us through these times. Let's pray for each other that we may focus on Him more than ever.
Please let us know how you are being led. I don't know my ED's adddress at this point, either. If the Lord reveals it by then I would like to send a small gift.
God bless each one of you my friends.
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Post by byhisgracealone on Nov 13, 2016 21:20:49 GMT
I'm so sorry Luke, that this will be your first Christmas in estrangement. As Linda said, it's such a personal decision whether to send gifts. My ED and SIL move very frequently, and intentionally prevent me from knowing their address, so I'm used to not sending anything, but it remains difficult even after 7 years.
What I have done, is to spend the additional amount of the gifts I would have spent on my ED, SIL, and two GC, and instead, spend that amount on my son, who is wonderful to me,and appreciates the extra gifts!
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Post by bythestreams on Nov 13, 2016 21:33:19 GMT
After 3 years I've come to this: The more I have contacted them the worse it gets. I have hated this lesson. I'm a giver and this totally goes against my grain. Now I'm trying to focus on my integrity which is HIS INTEGRITY. This is an UGLY era of entitlement. My children were never this way. We believe the spouses have done this too. Please let's all pray for each other this holidays to be overcomers. I'm praying for an extrordinary holiday with God's unexpected blessings.
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Post by everloving11 on Nov 14, 2016 13:48:31 GMT
OH, I understand. Last Christmas was our first without contact and my DH and I went back and forth with what to do. Plus a new little one we weren't supposed to know about was born earlier in the month. Our Christmas letter about the children and grandchildren had to be modified. I had already purchased gifts for the grandchildren. In the end, after hearing that our ES hoped I would suffer from his estrangement, I knew he would see any effort on our part to approach him as encroachment. So we did nothing - and have done nothing all year with birthdays, holidays, anniversary, etc. It is very difficult. IF the Lord impresses you to try to reach out, go ahead - however, lack of any contact info kind of gives a clue. Same with us: unfriended from all social media, phone numbers changed, then a move to another state. We now have an address, only because it is so easy to research. Still, we leave him alone. I figure if we stay out of his way, he will eventually only have the Lord to deal with --- and that is our prayer. In place of presents, I am giving the money we would have spent to some of my favorite charities - in our grandchildren's names. Then I can honestly say that we celebrated their special days.
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Post by lindajoan on Nov 14, 2016 16:57:25 GMT
I love your idea of giving to charities in the childrens' names.
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Post by luke2231 on Nov 14, 2016 18:23:08 GMT
Thank you all for your candidness and wisdom. Since I wrote this question, I did some snooping (for which I was properly chastised by my husband; he knows it hurts me every time I do it!) but I found out that my ES and DIL are living in a foreign country, just an hour and a half from our non-estranged son. I guess if you can pick up and leave the country, then move practically just up the freeway from your brother (ES knows where non-ES lives), it's a pretty clear-cut indication he wants nothing to do with his family.
It's a double-edge sword, hope is. On one hand, you need it (or at least, I do) to be able to move forward with life. On the other hand, having it when everything leads you to believe there's absolutely no cause to have it, kind of implodes the work you've done to even start to move forward. Because it honestly is work to get through your days without all the "what-if's" and "coulda, shoulda, woulda's."
It breaks my heart that my son could be so callous and unfeeling, because I know inside, he's a very tender-hearted individual. I can't imagine what on earth his life is like if he can't even bear to connect with his own little brother, who has absolutely never done anything to ES. In fact, 2nd son worshiped older ES, and wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that. I can only conclude that ES is utterly miserable on the inside and feels horrible about his existence. (Maybe all those times I prayed for God to make him miserable so that he would recognize his need for a Saviour is exactly what is taking place!)
Anyway, sorry for rambling, but lindajoan, thank you for your unceasing prayer for mine and everyone else's situations, and especially all our needs and estranged relationships. I can't tell you what it means to have this community that lifts each other up. byhisgrace & everloving, I think it's a truly wonderful idea to give those gifts intended for ES & DIL to someone else on their behalf. We have many families in our church that have physical and financial needs; I think that would be a terrific use of those funds!!! everloving, I've also wondered how to address this in our annual Christmas letter; it's been hard enough letting close friends and family know. So many people ask about him, and I have no idea how to handle it! bythestreams, thank you for mentioning overcoming with integrity. I keep coming back around to advice someone gave me right after we were cut off - if/when he comes back, do I want him to see that I've lived a life of integrity, fullness and purpose in his absense, or do I want him to see a miserable and bitter person, defined by this estrangement? I want to be an example to him and my other kids, so I choose the former.
"Please let's all pray for each other this holidays to be overcomers. I'm praying for an extraordinary holiday with God's unexpected blessings."
Yes, yes and amen!
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Post by lindajoan on Nov 14, 2016 21:42:22 GMT
The one thing we will never stop doing as Christian moms is praying for our EC to come to the Lord (or back to Him) and return to family.
"Not by the strength in our hands but by the faith in our hearts."
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Post by JeepGirl on Nov 15, 2016 4:27:04 GMT
Amen to that lindajoan. I loved your quote, especially, "....by the faith in our hearts."
I agree with what a few of you said about each of our situations being different and you have to do what you feel God is leading you to do. In my case, I am pretty much like Everloving, I have to honor my es's requests to leave him and his family alone. This comes after many attempts met with much rejection, disrespect, hateful e-mail responses to me and returned gifts. After all attempts have failed, I feel we must leave it all with God and move forward in our lives.
Luke, if you can find an address for your es and you truly feel led to send something, then do it. I think the most important thing about any of our attempts with our ec is to pray first and really seek HIS will.
Definitely will be praying for everyone here as the holidays approach and, hopefully, more of us will post and reply to encourage and support one another during this especially emotional time of the year. God is not going to forsake us. Love being sent to each of you.
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Post by poodlegirl61 on Nov 21, 2016 15:56:16 GMT
We will not be sending any gifts nor cards. Two years ago I sent gifts, and my son told me that my gifts only cause "pain". So last year I sent a card. Well that set off a firestorm and I was told to never do it again and they wanted zero contact. They had a new baby a month ago and same thing, I just kept silent. I am like you, I will start beating myself up thinking what kind of mother-grandmother am I to not send presents or acknowledge the new baby, but then I remember their warning to STAY AWAY and NO CONTACT. I was even called "dumb" for not knowing what "no contact" means. They told me they threw away my other gifts. Today is my birthday and of course there will be no "Happy birthday Mom" from my son. I have reached the point where I really don't know if I ever will. I pray and I pray and I pray and nothing has happened. This has been one of the worst years ever, but I know God loves me and he knows I am brokenhearted. I know we all are. God bless each of us.
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Post by lindajoan on Nov 21, 2016 17:37:54 GMT
Happy Birthday Poodle. You are special to us. God bless you.
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Post by luke2231 on Nov 21, 2016 21:07:44 GMT
Ah, Poodle, I'm so sorry you have to spend your birthday with this pain and uncertainty. I know this doesn't make up for it, but you ARE LOVED AND APPRECIATED here! Praying that this next year will be one of immeasurable joy somehow... Happy Birthday!
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Post by JeepGirl on Nov 22, 2016 5:09:07 GMT
I am sorry that you have to feel this hurt, especially on your birthday. These are some of the hardest days in our estra gements. Please know you are loved by Jesus and by us here. Belated birthday wishes and prayers for you to be blessed this year.
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Post by bettyshe on Nov 22, 2016 6:48:10 GMT
Happy belated birthday poodlegirl, we try to be grateful for what we have but estrangement somehow make us sad anyway. I know all too well the feelings of pain you're dealing with right now....for I have walked in your steps. With God's help we can rise above these feelings one day at a time. May you feel better in the coming days...the holidays magnify every little or big hurt because for many it is a time for family and joy. Fight for joy wherever you can find it...don't sit at home ...you have great love to give and their are many people who need that love..
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Post by pigons14 on Feb 2, 2017 8:28:43 GMT
This post was really interesting. I always give DIY gifts to friends on family for Xmas. So this year I picked up flower bouquets with DIY card. I bought flowers in bulk from best Floral Delivery online service and made bouquets for my loved ones. Everyone really loved my gifts.
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