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Post by shockedstate on Jun 27, 2022 13:36:19 GMT
My adult daughter sent me a text yesterday indicating that she was cancelling our plans that we made for her birthday. She said it was for her personal wellbeing. I responded with asking if I had offended her in some way or if she could help me understand how I impact her wellbeing negatively. She said she didn't want to explain. All of my children are independent adults - I place no expectations on them nor pressure them to spend time or holidays with me. I have never outlined the sins of their father to them as we are divorced, and their mental well-being was more important to me than my ability to vent and feel vindicated. I know he plays the victim even though he was the victimizer. I don't know if he has played into this decision. I have absolutely no clue as to what has played into her decision. I know occasionally she confronts me if I post something on Facebook that she ideologically or politically does not agree with. I listen and affirm her thoughts and opinions always. For the past couple of years I haven't posted anything politically or right leaning. My 2nd husband sexually abused her. As soon as I found out about it he was out of the house. We went through all kinds of counseling to try and see if reconciliation was possible. In the end after a long period of time it was not. Any contact that she had with that ex was orchestrated by her and her counselor. I feel immense guilt and shame having chosen such an evil man (He confesses that he is a Christian and has served on church staffs). I have always been the parent that she runs to when she is in trouble and she has gone through some very tough and trying times due to poor decisions. I have always stood by her and supported her. I also wonder with the timing of this if the Roe/Wade decision has triggered her as she has no interest in the faith anymore and is left leaning and confronted me years ago about my pro-life stance which in her thinking meant that if my ex's abuse had progressed to sex with her that I would have made her have the baby. My mind is spinning round and round trying to find a cause to this. The pain is so deep and debillitating. I feel like an utter failure. My current husband although a nice man cannot do hard things with me so I now will be looking for resources and people who can. Whether or not anyone ever reads this - know that it was just good for me to have a place to talk and not feel so alone in this.
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Post by neeliec on Jun 29, 2022 17:57:47 GMT
Dear Shocked and Dazed, I in no way claim to have an answer. I know how it feels when you are trying to show Christ and be Christ to your children. I know the agony and grief of the soul of a Christian mother that sees her children drowning in false doctrines and going farther away from Christ and leaning more toward culture each day. This Row VS Wade thing is a catalyst for disagreements among Christians and Christians vs non Christians. It is so sad to witness and experience the destruction of families because of lies. I see you are a calm and patient person willing to even put aside your thoughts to not alienate your daughter. You are showing Christ’s love. Give it time. I have just experienced the same but did not hold back on expressing myself. I caused the alienation. I am responsible, but I got to the point of realizing I had to choose between being quiet and keep my children’s affection or speaking God’s truth. Unfortunately, I am not calm under pressure as you are. I will however trust that God will open their eyes and use me when they are ready or bring someone to open their eyes to God’s truth. Knowing that your children are lost for eternity is the biggest pain a mother can have. BUT our God is good, and righteous and just and sovereign over ALL. Let’s rest on HIM, dear sister. Let’s continue in spiritual battle -praying for the souls of our families— for the good of others and to the glory of GOD.
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Post by everloving11 on Jun 30, 2022 18:16:27 GMT
I agree with neeliec - give it time, never stop praying, keep an attitude of forgiveness, acceptance of the person, and love. Our son was estranged from us for 5 1/2 years. The longer the estrangement went on, the more certain it seemed he would never come back. But God allowed some horrible circumstances to enter his life and he turned back to us after those long years of separation, the ones he knew would be there for him. And we were. Later, when our relationship was not only restored but better than ever, he confided what the root of his pain was concerning us. We had no idea. he chose to forgive us. He now knew he was safe, and our relationship is beautiful. He still hasn't returned to the Lord, but we are hopeful for that as well.
You are definitely not alone, shockedstate. We may not be here often, and sometimes this site doesn't let us know someone has posted, but it did with you. Pleased don't give up and continue doing what you are doing. God bless you - I will be praying.
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Post by JeepGirl on Jul 12, 2022 3:02:43 GMT
Hi Shockedstate, I was on here a long time ago and have since reconciled with my son and family. Just happened to check in here tonight. We were estranged for ten years and it was God and this site (when it began under a different title), that sustained me in all these years. They really were some of the worst years of my life but many good things happened during those years, as well. However, the estrangement was ever present but I still went forward, clinging to the hope that Jesus would restore and, he did, in HIS time.
I learned so much during those ten years. Although, there are other estrangement sites, which I visited, I remained here and left those. I learned that the secular sites and people were not very helpful. They don't see things thru Jesus' eyes and His Word. I also heard a lot of anger, blame and bitterness. I had those feelings originally but, as a Believer, I knew I had to work thru those negative emotions. Being on a Christian site was so different. I always knew I played a part in the estrangement but many of the estranged moms on the other sites totally blamed their adult children and expected apologies before any reconciliation. As Christians, we know that God reveals things about us and directs us in the right way. Not always easy and reconciliation may not happen in our time but it does in HIS. Don't ever give up HOPE.
One of the hardest thing for me was not understanding what my son was really upset about. I was divorced when my kids were 9 and 11 and I honestly believe divorce played a big part in things. I came to realize my son saw me as having "abandoned" him. And, of course, my ex was the alienating parent. Worthwhile researching that term. I read so many books and articles on estrangement over the years and sought out counseling. There is a Dr. Joshua Coleman I really liked (on the web and author of several books). I found his books and pod casts extremely helpful. However, he was somewhat controversial on this site and others didn't agree with his counsel, but I did. I even spoke to him by phone after a particular incident with my son and I believe that was a turning point.
I would recommend praying about every situation in your estrangement, from possibly seeking professional counseling to just listening to someone on here or a friend or family member. God is our best counselor.
I was always very opinionated but estrangement taught me I could be quiet at times. Again, seek Jesus. Our kids don't usually agree with our politics, our religious beliefs, and so many other things. Is it worth it to argue with them? Estrangement has taught me to be quieter (not compromising my beliefs) and our kids know what we believe. After estrangement, for me, nothing is worth being estranged from my adult kids and grands. Prayer works so much better than me. I realize you have had some serious situations with your ex abusing your daughter, etc. but not too big for God. Also, I questioned what I did wrong for so long. I finally had to stop. It was all consuming. Unless your daughter tells you, there is nothing you can do except Pray, Pray, Pray. That works best. Don't give up. Love and prayers...
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Post by luke2231 on Aug 30, 2022 14:11:21 GMT
ShockedState,
My goodness, you have had quite a difficult life. Yet, I can tell that you're a fighter, a believer, AND an overcomer! If I can say anything about your situation, it's that you've been through hell and back before, and you're still standing. God has been faithful to you. Use that knowledge to move forward if you can.
I know that you feel like a failure, but just like our kids are blind to certain things in life, we were and are too! You obviously were blinded by a belief in goodness (not a bad quality to have) with your second husband, but once you realized it was a facade, you did something about it. Right now, your daughter has a mistaken, blind belief that you're the bad guy. In the Bible after Jesus has risen from the dead, He's walking alongside two of His followers on the road to Emmaus, and they don't recognize Him. In Luke 24.31 it says that "their eyes were opened and they recognized Him." What this tells me is that sometimes, God keeps our eyes closed until He is ready to open them. JeepGirl, on another thread mentions that what satan purposes for evil God purposes for good. I'm not trying to get all theological here, but while this isn't the way WE want it, God has a reason. We need to trust Him. Also, this culture, this generation is steeped in being blind to truth. It's not just you. It's not just your situation. It's everyone and everywhere. As you said, you feel alone, but you're not. Not at all. It's bigger than you and me, but not bigger than God!
So like the others have said, pray, pray and pray some more. There's a thing called a breath prayer, which is just a short prayer that you can say in your head, or whisper, etc... The one I use is simply "reduce me to love." When I don't know how to respond to someone else's words, actions, or even my own thoughts, that's what I (try to) pray. If God is love - and He is! - then I want that to be at the heart of every situation. And love wins. Every time. You're a good mother. You did what you believed was best for your daughter. You can still be the best mother for her by loving and forgiving yourself. It's a lesson we all need to learn.
Hugs and prayers...
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