Is God’s plan our plan?

Renate9,

Thank you so much for your wisdom! I greatly appreciate your response and your prayers!

I have read Done With Crying but I guess I want to know we did everything we could to reconcile. What if she is ill, or is being brainwashed? A young friend of mine suggested our daughter could be a victim of gaslighting.

How long has your daughter been estranged? Do you have any family support? I am grateful for my youngest daughter that lives close by, and my son and his wife have been supportive as well. But I have four sisters and they have all given us different advice, but they do not understand how painful this is! I think one sister thinks that we are to blame for the issues! Believe me, we aren’t perfect, but we love our children.

I miss my granddaughter terribly. She was only 3 when they moved, but we had a special bond! Do you have grandchildren that you aren’t allowed to see either?

I know the song, but will listen to it again - in the light of estrangement. I will be lifting you up, also, new friend.

May God hear our cries and heal our families!

Hi Jen, Glad you found us and are open to sharing your situation with us. This site has always been a safe place and we all just want to be here for you and want you to know that we really understand all the hurt, pain and confusion you are feeling right now. My heart was aching for you as I read your post and although I am on the road to reconciliation with my son and family, it has been a very long road with lots of heartache. It felt like being on roller coaster of emotions for years. There were many times I didn't think we would ever reconcile but then remembered to turn this over to God and I prayed, others prayed and it took a long time, but finally had to give up control (wanting to e-mail, text, etc.) and allow God to be in control. It was at that time, laying it all at His feet, that I started to have the peace in knowing God will restore all of this, in His time. The waiting is definitely hard, but you need to keep on trusting, no matter how dark or bleak it seems. The tears will come and holidays, birthdays and other special days will be the hardest and those are the times you need all the support you can get.

As for family, we always say, unless someone has experienced estrangement, they really don't know. They can be judgmental, blame us, give suggestions, that don't usually work. Finding this site and before this one, others sites, were so much comfort and full of such wisdom. This is the best one for me because it is Christian and nothing is better than the Holy Spirit being present here, along with praying for each other.

Jen, I don't think anyone can give you a formula that will work, except to pray and ask God to walk with you through this and direct you in all you do. We can only share what we have learned over the years. It is so normal to reach out and send e-mails, texts, cards, whatever. But I found, if our estranged child wants to be alone, sometimes all our efforts in reaching out, only make things worse because we are disregarding their wishes and it often makes things worse. From our perspective, we just have that need to send amends letters, asking for forgiveness, etc. I think, if you need to reach out, especially one last time, keep e-mail, text, etc. short and simply say you love them, you are here when they are ready to talk and will respect their wishes for no contact. You can say you miss all of them, especially the grands and the new one, but, again, I will wait until you are ready. Show your love and willingness to talk at some point but leave the ball in their court. It is so hard to do. But the stories we have heard from people who just pop over their estranged child's house, have not been good.

As much as we would like to take away the pain and heartbreak you are experiencing, it is similar to a death or any loss, and the grieving is part of it. Christian counseling has helped me in the past, and praying to the Lord all the times and asking for scriptures to sustain me and call upon in the really hard times.

It has been about 10 years for me and what has happened over these past few months has truly been a miracle. Yes, I missed out on years of my grands lives, but God does restore, I can promise you that. My biggest suggestion to get through how ever long this estrangement will be is to stay in the Word, seek Godly counsel and remember you are not alone. Estrangement has been called a new "epidemic". You will question what you did wrong, will not understand how this could happen, especially to a Christian family, but it does. Just keep God in the center as you have been doing and trust and believe that the Lord will restore your estranged daughter. Do not lose Hope.

I am not 100% sure what I am about to say is the best thing, but always turn to the Lord and seek His will (not mine or anyone else's). I might try calling her pastor, seeking mediation, but understand he cannot breach confidentiality. If you decide to contact her pastor, of course, pray first and let him know you are not asking him to share anything confidential but just want to know that she is safe because only her husband has been contacting you and asking to you stay away. You just want to know if she is okay and not be held against her will. Again, be prayed up before phone call and, although a pastor, you may face resistance and even accusations and number of other unexpected reples. But, please seek God and pray whether He thinks a call to your daughter's pastor would be a good idea.

Will be praying for you, Jen and sending virtual hugs. God bless you....

I am so sorry, Jen; "they" say that Misery loves company, but there is no joy in sharing the pain except to know that you are not alone in this.
For us, it has been 4 years and we were completely cut off (unfriended on FB, change of phone numbers, change of address, etc.) I knew baby #2 had been born, but we were not told the outcome (even though it was I who encouraged them not to abort the baby as the doctor said it was sex-less ~~~~ found out they were wrong...) Anyway, I heard that my ES told one of my daughters that he hoped I was suffering over this --- even though I didn't know what 'this' was. I figured God knew what was going on and He could do for them what I could not. In fact, when I asked God how He could relate to my pain, He brought me to tears when He said, "Dear Child, I did something worse --- I abandoned my own Son on the cross when He needed me most --- and I did it for you."
So, from all appearances, there seemed to be no hope and no way to communicate. Recently, my DIL un-un-friended me and I could see pics of my grandies. Then one of the Hurricanes hit their area so I swallowed my fears and messaged her to see if they were ok. She replied that she didn't know what was going on, but my ES told her that he wanted to maintain a relationship with us. So I called my ES and we have had several long talks and he has allowed me to send birthday presents to our two grandchildren. I'm still cautious and won't bring up the lost 4 years, but am settling into our "new normal".
BTW, if you need a good cry, watch an old Hallmark movie --- about half of them have to do with estrangement. Also, looking at old pictures of my ES was strangely healing after I completely forgave him. I also work with broken teens as a teacher, so I take comfort in knowing I am doing for them what their own parents cannot do...and pray the same for my ES. God does give peace in the midst of the storm.
Even when no one else understands, this group of estranged parents/grandparents really do understand.

Hi Jen, I apologize for the delay. The reason is that I am in the hospital. I have been an administrator here for several years and I
Am known as Linda Joan but had to change my password to lolloipop777. The ladies in this support group are amazing Christian women and we understand what each other has gone through. We are blessed to have you here with us. I don’t know any pain greater than estrangement. It is absolute betrayal of good parents who did their best for their children. Of course it is unBiniblical to treat parents this way as written in the commandments. Sadly, this is way of the enemy and not God’s way. Most of the time their is no justifiable reason forestrangemeny. Of course, to hear our estranged adult children you would hear differently. Our estranged adopted daughter left home at age 20. She is now 28 and unmarried. What a mess she has made of her own life after she walked away from all family, church , and all good things. Satan got her in his trap. She left our home i with lies and accusations which,, was extremely hurtful to us her parents and her siblings and all who knew the truth. If our human efforts could have changed her mind it would have happened. It seems that everything we tried was either ignored or taken the wrong way. My husband encouraged me to Let go and Let God. Also, so did a medical doctor seeing that the stress of estrangement affects us on all levels. Please be kind to yourself and accept that you were good parents to your daughter. Prayer, prayer, prayer, is a most we can do. We can not tell you how the Lord May be leading you at this time but I can say that going, writing , and checking with others was not received well with us. The only thing that will change estrangement is when God changes their heart to desire to do what is right in His sight. They must come to the place where they want it. However, I am wondering if you think the marriage to this man caused the major problem? Some marriage partners are so possessive that they want to separate their spouse from parents. But I still believe our children have their own free wills. Our ED lives in another state but she does reach our by occasional text and we pray that she would turn back to God before family as that is the best order. God bless you our new friend.

Hi Jen,

Welcome to this wonderful safe place. I'm sorry I'm a little late to the discussion; life ebbs and flows and honestly, sometimes it's like you say, "I lack the faith." Sometimes it's hard to see other people experiencing the same pain I'm feeling. It can overwhelm me, the sadness for all of us. I am so very truly sorry that this is happening to you as well. No one deserves to be in this situation. As parents - as humans - we make and made mistakes, but this is a lack of maturity on the part of our EK's wanting to harbor some kind of bitter righteousness against those mistakes we most likely did unknowingly, and with only the best of intent and love.

Yet, that doesn't mean that we ourselves need to be bitter! For me, this estrangement from our son (who's distanced himself from our entire family) has taught me so much about grace, compassion, hope, and steadfast trust. It's a work-in-progress, "one step forward, six steps back" kind of thing, but God doesn't ask that we have it all mastered at this moment. The only way we draw closer to Him is through the struggle. And what a struggle this is!

Today, my sister-in-law is on my heart. After almost 35 years of marriage, 9 kids, and 5 years ago a brain tumor the size of a tennis ball removed, yesterday, her husband filed for divorce and she learned that another brain tumor is again growing quickly. Yet in the middle of ALL of that, this morning she texted me this:

“For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.” Isaiah 55: 10-11

I think I was meant to see that, and then your post to share with you that you planted seeds of wisdom, compassion, kindness, respect and more in your daughter. Right now, those things - from your perspective - are lying dormant. But God, in His infinite wisdom and timing will call those things forth, for His glory! Please hold onto that! You're human, and as a parent estranged, I share your fears, doubts, longings and questions as to why this estrangement is. I get it. Some days you can stand on the "Jesus" rock and proclaim your trust. Other days, not so much.

If your faith isn't always there, remember that the Rock always is.

Practically speaking, though, our son distanced himself when he met his now-wife. It sounds very much like your SIL has had the same effect on your family. I've shared it here before, but one of my college roommates (and sweetest, kindest people I've ever known) dated and married a man that all of us, her friends, were very hesitant about. Her family was too, but we didn't know that until later. He was very controlling while they dated and after they were married, he systematically cut back all the relationships she had outside their marriage, including her family and friends. No one talked to her for 7 years. He wasn't physically abusive, but he was super controlling, and one day she had enough. She found her backbone because she didn't want her kids to grow up with the same degree of fear and control under him. My son was (is) a very kind, big-hearted give-the-shirt-off-his-back kind of person. I absolutely believe that he so much wanted to please our DIL and learned to fear her wrath that it was us or her, and as he was raised to respect the sanctity of marriage, chose her. Just like my college roommate. It kind of sounds to me like your daughter, being sweet and giving herself, may be in a similar situation. You say you're angry that she's believing the lies, but he's probably created so much doubt in her mind about her memories of you. that to survive, she has to believe what he says. From talking to my former roommate now, that's exactly what she says happened to her. And if you think about it, don't we often believe Satan's lies even when we know better? Things always start out innocent, until sometimes, we're in so deep, we just exist because we don't know how to get out.

Not every son or daughter-in-law are horrible, controlling people, but unfortunately having "studied" estrangement these past few years, it seems that many estrangements happen when a spouse gaslights our kids into thinking we were and are bad parents. I would trust your instincts on him. I wouldn't confront him/them, though, as he will likely dig in deeper to prove he's right in her eyes. I saw that happen with my friend and her parents.

Like others here have said, sometimes the ONLY thing you can do is give them space and pray for God to work! If she's saying that God is showing her about grace, trust that He is! It may not be in the way that you think, but He is!

Wishing you a season of drawing closer to Him so that you'll have abundant trust and faith in His plan. Sending you hugs and praying for your daughter and all our estranged loves....

xoxo
Luke

Thank you Luke2231 and Lindajoan for your wisdom and advice. It is terrible that there are so many parents/families experiencing this assault from the enemy. My heart’s response seems to go In cycles. Some days I feel self-pity and can’t seem to shake it, then I have periods where I feel strong and know God is in control and he is working! Then I have days I am angry, angry at how Satan is controlling my daughter and sometimes me!

Our SIL out of the blue let us FaceTime the grandkids a few weeks ago. He was there in the background but never really even said hello to us. It was wonderful being able to talk to our granddaughter, who is now 5! I was afraid she would have forgotten us, but she asked about toys that we have here for her, and asked about our pets. It was like a hug from God!
I sent a big box of gifts for the grandkids for Christmas and was hoping we would get to FT again. We texted our SIL on Christmas but he said one of the kids was asleep and suggested we do it later that evening but we had plans and weren’t going to be home so informed SIL of that and said we would try the next day. The next day my husband and I both texted asking if we could FT and this time neither of us got a response at all. HE HAS TOTAL CONTROL! I am angry and frustrated. I would love to know if my granddaughter liked her gifts, if the doll clothes fit her doll ok, etc. I feel so manipulated! But we are desperate for any contact with the grandkids so take whatever crumbs of contact we can get.

Luke2231, I am so sorry to hear about your sister-in-law! Yet, it is amazing to see her faith. We all know there will be trials on this earth, and I pray God grows me to have the faith that never waivers in the midst of them all. I know he sees my struggle. I wish I didn’t have the days of anger, self-pity and tears.

My friend who also has an estranged child and I are praying this verse every day for each other. I will pray it for all of us!!

“And He will turn the hearts of fathers to their children and the hearts of children to their fathers, lest I come and strike the land with a decree of utter destruction."
Malachi 4:6 ESV


Love and hugs to you all. May 2020 be the year God brings back our children!