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Post by elly54 on Jan 31, 2019 17:19:23 GMT
Hi there, I am facing disrespect and rejection from my children. I am looking for wisdom on the matter.
Thank you
Elizabeth
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Post by luke2231 on Jan 31, 2019 18:03:50 GMT
Hi Elly and welcome!
I'm sorry that you've joined the "club" - you'll find nothing but support and encouragement here. With various shades of estrangement coloring our lives, we will stand with you and pray for you. If you're comfortable, perhaps you can offer a little more information. What kind of disrespect? Verbal abuse? Ignoring you completely?
My advice would be to take care of yourself! You raised your children the best that you were able, you loved and sacrificed for them. If they're unhappy with you, there's little you can do about it; we're only responsible for our own happiness. That whole "make lemonade out of lemons"? Yes. Take whatever situation you've been given and pray about how God wants you to behave, speak and act in the midst of it. Then obey Him.
YOU are responsible for your own happiness and your children are responsible for theirs. They may be angry about a perceived past wrong but you can't go back and change it. That ship has sailed. Holding on to any anger toward you is their problem and you can't make it go away by the power of your love. Unfortunately, it's affecting you, but you're still the parent and you can show them how a mature person acts in the face of some heinous behavior. My outlook is always grace first. HOWEVER, grace doesn't mean that you allow them to steamroll you or abuse you in some way. You can offer grace but be firm. You can offer love but be upfront about how you wish to be treated. Estrangement can be boiled down to communication issues. Learn to understand what you're feeling, how you handle those feelings and how that affects other people. Learn to state what you need and expect, then stick to it. You're playing the long game here, and they're trying to unsettle you to prove that you are as awful as they imagine you are. If you did something wrong, own up to it but once you've taken responsibility, you don't have to keep chipping away at it - move on and ask them to do the same. Treat them how you wish to be treated, with kindness, courtesy and respect. Don't make excuses and cowtow to gain respect, because that usually doesn't work.
I say this as a mom who hasn't heard, seen or spoken to her son in almost 3 years. He left, but when he left, I became a changed person. I am still an overly compassionate person, but I begged, pleaded or gave in to every demand and it got me nowhere. I had to dig down deep to find where I was really at fault and where I wasn't. My husband and I gave him every opportunity to hear his complaints and fix them if possible, but he didn't allow us that same courtesy. I've had to learn how to be happy without him in my life. Am I happy about it? No. Am I a stronger and happier person now that I know that he doesn't get to define me as a "good" person or mother? Yes! Because I've learned that God defines me, and He loves me no matter what faults I have. And He's holding my feet to the fire to refine me too.
Going back to my advice... do things that bring you happiness. I tell people that when you were younger and thought the whole world was in front of you, you had dreams and passions... go back and find that person. If you like to hike, hike. If you like to sing, sing. If you like to decorate, decorate. Do the things that unleash the creative, forward-thinking you. Do the things God inbuilt in your DNA. When you pay attention to that person, somehow you move above the pettiness and the drama, if that makes sense. The drama won't fall away, but you'll feel better about who you are and your ability to withstand it. You'll feel better about knowing He is directing your steps and those of your children.
While I wouldn't wish this on anyone, I've found the silver lining in my estrangement. If my son hadn't left, I wouldn't have discovered my worth all over again. My son will have to figure that out for himself, just like your kids will as well. Your worth is NOT in what your kids think about you or how they treat you. Your value lies in Him and Him alone.
I'm sorry to have bombarded you with all of this, but without knowing a little bit more, I just gave you a general overview! š Sending you hugs and prayers...
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Post by elly54 on Feb 1, 2019 3:43:12 GMT
Hi there,
Not really sure how this site works but here goes.
I have always had to battle to get respect from these three children. There has always been the influence of my husband from a first marriage before I became a Christian over 33 years ago. It was an abusive marriage and he was very bitter and probably still is.
Secondly, at the age of 37 I got Bipolar disorder. This was a huge blow and the children did not understand and never did and never have tried.
Over the years I was suffering from a low grade depression which I later found was not from the Bipolar disorder but rather from one of the medications I had been given. Although I remained stable from the Bipolar over the years I remained in a low grade depression. I slowly became sicker and sicker physically and was eventually told I would be confined to a wheelchair. I never got my children to show compassion, they were never there for me. I do have a daughter by my second marriage who is a precious rare gem!
All three of the children from the first marriage left the country and went overseas. Two of them are married and one is single. I have five grandchildren who I have never held or hugged and only saw briefly years ago on skype.
In 2016 my life took a massive turn when I stopped certain of the meds which were slowly killing me. These meds had effected the gabba in my brain and caused brain damage. I had to go through massive withdrawals where I became very emotional. I lashed out at my children for never being there for me and all the rejected hurt and pain over the years came to the forefront. They cut me off! But I got a miracle! I was better than Id ever been many years before!
I apologised to them and explained what the withdrawals caused, I sent videos, articles, I wrote emails, my husband wrote...Its a long story but the short of it is I am not able to share my miracle with my children. My son shows hate and disregard for me, my oldest daughter keeps disrupting my life with a peak into hers whenever she feels like it then she goes away again and leaves me having to deal with the pain all over again! She refuses to talk! My third daughter is much better now as she is a Christian too. My hubby and last child are a tower of strength and feel that I have been abused by my children. They say I cant do more than I am. Please can anyone advise... Do I keep pursuing them or do I just let go! Do I run after them or leave them be. Sometimes their rejection of me makes me want to cut them off forever. The most important think for me is - What does God want me to do? This is such a complex story because as my husband puts it - he says - the only thing he sees that I did wrong was that I got sick. Please share your wisdom with me.
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Post by everloving11 on Feb 1, 2019 13:56:52 GMT
Oh, Elly ~ we certainly understand and have compassion for your situation. If we had a magic wand, we would spread it over you and your family and "make it all better" but, alas, we do not. Instead, we share a common faith and trust that "God makes everything beautiful in His own time." Each one of us can identify with at least one element of your story. It's so strange that our adult children expect us to be perfect parents. They do not understand that, just as God gave us those children, God also hand-picked us as parents for them. Yes, we do have to let go at some point and let God parent them, even if they do not receive that. Just be patient with yourself and Him. In my case, I have seen glimmers of hope along with the angst and hurt. I also have a grandchild I have never seen, yet God gave a dream where this little one ran into my arms and gave me a hug I can still feel. After not hearing from our ES for 3 years, and just the week after I shared with the ones on this site that I didn't expect to ever hear from him again due to his stubbornness and pride, he called and we picked right up from the times before the split occurred. Got to hear our autistic granddaughter and the little grandson I've never met. The window is shut again, but now I know that the reason he turned on us is also the reason he knows he can get his head on straight after all. When will we hear from him again? Don't have a clue. But I have learned to cherish precious memories and little victories. The hardest part in all this is that we rake ourselves over the coals in guilt and shame. These will cripple us as much as the rejection from our children. Don't let it. Whatever happened, God allowed for a reason. Life is painful, and sometimes God allows just that, but we can eventually take comfort that He knows, He understands, He intimately cares. When all this first went down with us, I eventually had no more tears to shed - no more words to say. I cautiously went to God and asked Him how He could identify with what I was going through. He replied, "My child, not only to I understand estrangement, I had to do the unthinkable - I purposefully rejected my own Son and turned my back on Him, despite His cries "My God, my God, why have you forsaken Me?' I estranged myself from Him completely --- for you." The tears flowed and I understood the Father like I never had before. Somehow, He gave me peace about my situation and I've been able to live with it. By the way, there will be countless Christians who do not understand what you are going through. They do not have this experience in their testimony. God trusts you with these trials. He will never leave you or reject you --- He did that to His Son already in your place. And we are here for you as well. These dear Christians on this site have eased this difficult journey. Glad to have you walk with us, though we are not glad you have to endure the rejection and disrespect. I am praying for you.
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Post by luke2231 on Feb 1, 2019 14:54:40 GMT
Elly,
You have had such a difficult go of it, haven't you? But then, we all have the things that make our lives almost unbearable. What everloving says is so true - God is in the middle of this estrangement and there's a purpose in it, even if we don't understand it. He is there for you, so hold on and grasp that! You're so very blessed that you have the love of a good man and your youngest daughter. Keep focusing on that before you focus on what you don't have! It sounds like there might be some parental alienation going on with your ex husband; if he had a history of abuse, maybe he said things to your children way back when in an effort to belittle you in their eyes. From some of what I've read, that's pretty common and would fit with your story. And if you had undiagnosed bipolar issues, perhaps that's what they remember most, unfortunately.
I can't tell you what to do - that's ultimately between you, God and your husband, but for me, I only reach out on the rare occasion, or holidays and birthdays. The last time we spoke, our son told me that "It was all about him, not us" and the longer it's gone on, the more I see that. I've chosen to mostly stay quiet so that he can work out whatever is going on in his life and head for himself. For now, I believe that if I keep "trying," I'll only push him away further. Plus, the more I reach out and receive nothing in return, the more pain I'm causing myself. I just won't keep putting myself in that position in order to maintain my own mental health. But it took me almost 2 1/2 years to get to that place where I decided if he could take a "break" from us for his well-being, I could too.
If you don't know what God wants you to do as far as continuing to try to have a relationship with your children, I would suggest staying in the word as much as possible. Read the Bible, read devotionals, read Christian books dealing with life's trials... somewhere in that God will speak to your heart.
Praying for wisdom, clarity and peace for you....
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rejection
Feb 1, 2019 15:23:37 GMT
via mobile
Post by lindajoan on Feb 1, 2019 15:23:37 GMT
Elly, It is good to meet you. We are here to listen to and support one another. We will pray for you. We do understand the pain of rejection. Please come and post often so we can share with you and you can share with us. We need one another.
You have received so much wisdom and Godly advice from Luke and Everlasting. We need the wisdom of others who have and still are traveling this difficult journey. All of our true life stories are different but we can relate to how our adult children have treated their good parents.
The only one who will always be faithful no matter what is Jesus. He loves us more than anyone can. You have had a very hard life with physical and emotional illness. Praise God for His healing in your life. Remember that God can do all things. Only He can change our adult children. As you saw the change that His grace made in your daughterās life. We pray that our adult children will come to know the Lord (or return to Him) and become a Christian. That would be the greatest miracle. Then we pray for God to restore the family.
God bless you. Love and Prayers are coming your way.
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Post by elly54 on Feb 1, 2019 17:41:38 GMT
I am a poet and I wrote this poem to share with you guys.
A message to children.
God knit you together there in the womb - On the day of your birth, His breath filled the roomā¦ And witnessing the time, the hour and the minute- He chose your parents, Yes, God was there in itā¦ So Mighty and Powerful, it was all by His will - How dare we question, Let us rather be stillā¦ For as you seek Him, youāll find inner peace- And your restless desires, will certainly ceaseā¦ Look for His purpose, His plan is in place- So honour your parents, and Heāll give you graceā¦ God knit you together, there in the womb- On the day of your birth, His breath filled the room.
by Ellly
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Post by luke2231 on Feb 1, 2019 17:58:20 GMT
That's SO lovely! Thank you so much, Elly!
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Post by elly54 on Feb 1, 2019 18:00:01 GMT
Thank you everloving 11, Luke 2231, and Lindajoan... Your messages were received with joy. So wonderful to have people who care and understand. I appreciate the time it took for you to write and I want you to know how much it meant to me.
Thank you
Elly
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rejection
Feb 1, 2019 19:24:43 GMT
via mobile
Post by lindajoan on Feb 1, 2019 19:24:43 GMT
Elly, Thank you for sharing your beautiful poem. I totally say Amen to it. God bless you.
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Post by elly54 on Feb 2, 2019 16:18:45 GMT
Hi there All,
My daughter will stay away for months, then send a picture of the children then stay away again. Then send a message on Birthdays and then quiet again. She wont talk at all. I start getting on with my life and the pain eases only to keep getting disrupted. I feel she does this just to appease her own guilt but in the process my pain comes back and I feel I grieve all over again. Should I write and tell her how painful it is for me when she keeps doing this? What is the best way? Sometimes by leaving the door open - I am left wondering when the next tug on my heart is going to be.
Can anyone advise whether I should write her a letter expressing this or not.
Thank you Elly
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rejection
Feb 2, 2019 22:31:04 GMT
via mobile
Post by lindajoan on Feb 2, 2019 22:31:04 GMT
Hi Elli,
This is difficult for you. Each short amount of contact brings up many mixed emotions. Every estrangement is different of course, so what may be the right way for one may not be the right thing for another.
I personally would not write your daughter a letter. I think it is important to keep communication going as much as possible. We already know that when an estranged child reaches out it does not always mean they are looking to reconcile. With that being understood, I still would accept your daughterās communication if it were my daughter. God give you comfort.
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Post by renate9 on Feb 2, 2019 23:07:21 GMT
Elly,
I advice you not to write that letter. If she is sending something count that as a blessing. I would live and die to have any contact. Just don't let it tear you up so much. Look at it in another way, that you are grateful for the contact, however limited.
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Post by luke2231 on Feb 3, 2019 1:55:34 GMT
Hi Elly,
I would also join the bandwagon advising you not to write a letter, or at least, a letter detailing how painful this is for you.
Iām not an estranged child, but if I put myself in her shoes, hearing how āherā actions are hurting you might make the letter more accusatory than you intend. It might cause her to feel even more shame (I think deep down they feel guilty because they know theyāre not treating us well) which might cause her to want to distance herself even more. I just see so many more negatives that come out of writing that letter than positives.
If you do write a letter, try keeping it light and newsy.
NOT writing a letter isnāt shutting the door to any future communication. As Renate said, the fact that she still reaches out from time to time is a good thing. If you donāt expect anything, then when it happens you can see it as a gift instead!
I know this is tearing you up inside, but honestly? Any change in the situation will have to be because she wants it. Itās hard, but God will get you through and make a way. We just donāt know when or how it will be.
Hugs...
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Post by elly54 on Feb 3, 2019 4:32:04 GMT
Hi Everyone,
Thank you for your input. I appreciate all the wisdom. Yes, this is a very difficult one as I also have a daughter at home with health issues. She has taken major strain from the rejection of her peers too. Each time they disrupt my emotions they disrupt hers too. They have nothing to do with her either and the pain for her is also deep. Sometimes I feel that I am bending over backwards to allow them to appease their guilt at the cost of my immediate family finding peace in this situation.
I believe these children who are on the other side of the world from me are extremely selfish and self centred. They are adults who are not considering the feelings of others and making no effort even with their sister who they know has health issues.
Thanks again, for now I will take your advice. I will also wait on God as I don't have complete peace about the situation.
Elly
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