Post by JeepGirl on Sept 13, 2018 2:02:51 GMT
Hi Everyone,
I just wanted to share some feelings I have had since I posted about seeing my granddaughter for the first time in years. I was surprised at my feelings and even my hesitation about coming on here to post. I remember when I would read a post about a members' reconciliation and, usually, it would be their last and I always wondered why they wouldn't come back on here once in awhile to update us.
Also, being totally honest right now, I would be happy for their reconciliation but there was always a twinge (okay, maybe more than a twinge) of envy. Intellectually, and even spiritually, I know God works differently in each of our lives but I would ask, "What about me, Lord?" or start to think about what I must be doing wrong.
This mini-reconciliation with my granddaughter shed some light on my questions. After my first post about gd visiting me, I had mixed emotions about coming back on here. I had some questions about how I should proceed and a few others but I felt, how could I ask questions about being on this end when everyone else was waiting for a reconciliation to occur in their lives? I recalled how I used to feel, including the envy. I asked myself if anyone really cares about my questions at this point? Would I just be ticking them off or maybe adding to the hurt they already have?
After I stayed away from here for a while, I started experiencing a different feeling. I felt that I didn't want to come back here at all. I didn't want to be part of an estrangement group anymore. I wanted to put it behind me and focus on going forward. And that attitude is with only having communication with my gd, not with my es, dil and gs. That feeling surprised me and was strange, confusing and I even felt guilty for those thoughts and attitude. I always felt such understanding, compassion and love whenever I posted here and, now, I didn't want to come back on. I honestly felt, once we crossed over to the other side, even if only slightly, it was a different ballgame and I wasn't sure this was still the place to return to.
I felt some guilt, but would justify my actions by telling myself I was probably estranged longer than anyone else on this site and experienced so many hurts and horrific things said about me, etc., but thinking the members will only see a reconciliation and not know how long it really had been or what I went through and that I still have a long way to go.
To date, I only had one visit with my gd, texted several times and she has said she wants to visit again, but I am filled with such joy over just these little things. I am also over thinking ever move I make or don't make and just going extremely slow and trying to avoid placing any pressure on her.
I don't know why I just shared all of this, but the rollercoaster of estrangement continues, even when we start to experience small steps out of estrangement. I also have such a love for each of you and this has always been a loving and safe place to come to when in need. I could not just walk away and not come back. I also must share that a caring sister from here reached out to me and I know God used her that day. She called right in the middle of a pity party I was having and also to remind me that I still needed to be here and continue to share and possibly help those who are new in this estrangement journey. God was also reminding me that it is not all about me.
Praying for God to do great and mighty things in each of your lives (and mine) and for the Lord to continue to hold us up and direct us in every step we take. Love and Blessings...