What I learned inThis year and a half reunion with daughter
Sept 9, 2018 11:50:35 GMT
Post by wonderbugg on Sept 9, 2018 11:50:35 GMT
Hello,
How can I ever forget you guys?
Knowing that someone is here, hurting the deepest hurt they never knew was possible, my thoughts, and heart, return to you.
My heart will never be the same.
if my words don't bring any comfort, or insight, or hope, simply delete this post.
It may not help a soul.
I don't know.
But I do care.
A year and a half ago, my miracle happened.
We are all reunited. My daughter , sil, 3 grandsons, her brother and his beautiful family, my husband and I, all together again.
All speaking, loving, laughing.
Families are never "smooth sailing " but things that used to be a big deal are now so seemingly minuscule.
There are some things I have learned about myself through all this.
Surprising things.
Mainly, my grandsons don't need me in the same way.
They are teens and one is a man.
The big dinners at Grammy's, the homemade cookies, the swim parties the sleepovers, the bedtime stories are all over.
They have forgotten so much.
We are in many ways getting reacquainted.
It's no longer "cool" to hang out all day and make cookies with Grammy.
They don't yet feel comfortable coming to our house.
In odd ways we still feel like strangers visiting them.
This was an unexpected consequence for me.
A lot to deal with, just when I felt I was through dealing with icky feelings.
Also there was anger. I had to admit my anger over feeling many happy memories I planned to build being "stolen" from me.
So, what to do? Be depressed again? Not an option .
But I did grieve for a time.
After that smoke cleared I took a hard look at myself .
My blueprint for what I saw as a happy life had to change.
The old blueprint was never coming back.
So who was I now? No longer the "Grammy" I used to be.
I had lost my sense of self.
So I drew up a new blueprint. What do I like about myself now?
What am I good at? What do I enjoy?
What am I proud of?
What are my goals?
What makes me smile?
I won't go into all the details, except tol say I'm now very fit and healthy. I don't bake cookies anymore. I love my weight loss and level of fitness.
My aches and pains are a faint memory.
That part is even more fun than the new clothes!
My 48 year marriage is better than ever. We have a world of adventures planned.
My Spiritual life is more centered.
I've found out how to make the REAL me smile again.
I deserve it.
I always had. Just didn't allow it.
In short, I like myself so much more now that I no longer have the need to use others to tell myself who I am.
Were mistakes, heartbreaking ones, made by my family?
Yes.
Well, sadly, I made a few myself.
Guilty as charged.
Now I see I was too intense.
What I saw as love at the time, felt like absolute suffocation to others. (my true sense of self was hijacked as a child. Had a lot of ugly past to trek through).
My own sense of self was sooo non existent at the time I couldn't see it.
My personal goal of being the world's most involved Grammy, had become this amoeba that absorbed everyone into herself.
Ouch.
But it was all meant in love.
Just very misdirected .
All is so much healthier now.
After much very very hard work.
So that's my story.
Not here to point fingers or accuse so please don't take offense. (I don't know anyone's deeply personal struggles but my own).
Just being painfully honest about what has finally brought me peace.
And sweet contentment.
God bless. Love, and peace to you all.
There is hope.
(Hope was a word that used to anger me.
Hope and faith are best friends. They always walk together.
Hang on to them like a stubborn pit bull.
Never let them go.)
How can I ever forget you guys?
Knowing that someone is here, hurting the deepest hurt they never knew was possible, my thoughts, and heart, return to you.
My heart will never be the same.
if my words don't bring any comfort, or insight, or hope, simply delete this post.
It may not help a soul.
I don't know.
But I do care.
A year and a half ago, my miracle happened.
We are all reunited. My daughter , sil, 3 grandsons, her brother and his beautiful family, my husband and I, all together again.
All speaking, loving, laughing.
Families are never "smooth sailing " but things that used to be a big deal are now so seemingly minuscule.
There are some things I have learned about myself through all this.
Surprising things.
Mainly, my grandsons don't need me in the same way.
They are teens and one is a man.
The big dinners at Grammy's, the homemade cookies, the swim parties the sleepovers, the bedtime stories are all over.
They have forgotten so much.
We are in many ways getting reacquainted.
It's no longer "cool" to hang out all day and make cookies with Grammy.
They don't yet feel comfortable coming to our house.
In odd ways we still feel like strangers visiting them.
This was an unexpected consequence for me.
A lot to deal with, just when I felt I was through dealing with icky feelings.
Also there was anger. I had to admit my anger over feeling many happy memories I planned to build being "stolen" from me.
So, what to do? Be depressed again? Not an option .
But I did grieve for a time.
After that smoke cleared I took a hard look at myself .
My blueprint for what I saw as a happy life had to change.
The old blueprint was never coming back.
So who was I now? No longer the "Grammy" I used to be.
I had lost my sense of self.
So I drew up a new blueprint. What do I like about myself now?
What am I good at? What do I enjoy?
What am I proud of?
What are my goals?
What makes me smile?
I won't go into all the details, except tol say I'm now very fit and healthy. I don't bake cookies anymore. I love my weight loss and level of fitness.
My aches and pains are a faint memory.
That part is even more fun than the new clothes!
My 48 year marriage is better than ever. We have a world of adventures planned.
My Spiritual life is more centered.
I've found out how to make the REAL me smile again.
I deserve it.
I always had. Just didn't allow it.
In short, I like myself so much more now that I no longer have the need to use others to tell myself who I am.
Were mistakes, heartbreaking ones, made by my family?
Yes.
Well, sadly, I made a few myself.
Guilty as charged.
Now I see I was too intense.
What I saw as love at the time, felt like absolute suffocation to others. (my true sense of self was hijacked as a child. Had a lot of ugly past to trek through).
My own sense of self was sooo non existent at the time I couldn't see it.
My personal goal of being the world's most involved Grammy, had become this amoeba that absorbed everyone into herself.
Ouch.
But it was all meant in love.
Just very misdirected .
All is so much healthier now.
After much very very hard work.
So that's my story.
Not here to point fingers or accuse so please don't take offense. (I don't know anyone's deeply personal struggles but my own).
Just being painfully honest about what has finally brought me peace.
And sweet contentment.
God bless. Love, and peace to you all.
There is hope.
(Hope was a word that used to anger me.
Hope and faith are best friends. They always walk together.
Hang on to them like a stubborn pit bull.
Never let them go.)
