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Post by JeepGirl on Jul 22, 2018 2:46:38 GMT
It looks like we have a slight revival here on Christian Parents and I hope it continues. This site has been a blessing to me for so many years, going back to Daily Strength days. It is one of the few places we can share about our estrangements knowing that we will receive understanding and prayer and we have the covering of Jesus.
First, I want to lift up prayers for our Luke as she is traveling. Praying for her safety and the safety of others as they encounter these horrid storms we are experiencing here on the east coast.
If someone reads my first paragraph, they may get discouraged when they read how this site has been a blessing to me for "so many years", thinking it doesn't look good concerning reconciliation. As we all know, it is about God's timing, not ours. And, once we get to a point in our estrangements where we can really acknowledge and accept that truth, we will receive more peace and hope, as well as the ability to move forward. Don't misunderstand me, those painful feelings of heartache can pop up at anytime, even after months and, even years, of thinking, "I am doing so much better." But, you find the sadness doesn't stay as long and, at some point in all of this, they won't be as consuming as they are in the first stages of our estrangements.
Getting back to my first paragraph, I have had some encouraging things happen over these past six months. My es is still not talking to me but I have had communication with my daughter-in-law and with my grandson and granddaughter. My dil's mom passed away several months ago and although I sent a card, texts, I didn't receive any response from her. In April it was my granddaughter's 16th birthday and I felt so bad that her other grandma just passed away. I send her a sweet-sixteen birthday text and a bouquet of flowers. Her "thank you" text was the first communication I had from her in a few years. Then, one day in one of the schools I sub in and my dil works in (cafeteria), I had lunch duty for the teacher I was subbing for and I decided that I would go up to my dil and, personally, extend my condolences. Needless to say, I was prayed up. She was on her phone and although I believe she saw me, she didn't look up until I was almost face-to-face with her and actually called her by name. We spent about 15 minutes talking, mostly about her losing her mom and about my grands. She said she had no problem with them talking to me or seeing me, it was up to them. That was a big step because my es has given her and kids such a hard time in the past. That encounter with my dil was very major for me. I felt that a big part of that cloud over me had been lifted. She also told me how beautiful the flowers were that I had sent my gd.
A few weeks ago, was my other grandson's graduation from high school. (my dd's son) He was having this big catered party and, I knew my es and family would be there. Of course, I planned on going and, once again, was so prayed up and asked the Holy Spirit to fill me with His power and grace...everything that I needed for that evening. To my surprise (and, why was I surprised after praying???), my dil came up to me, almost exactly like I had gone up to her that day in school, and started talking to me. And both grands were right there at her side. At one point in the evening, she was sitting all by herself at a table and I went over to her. Then my gs and gd came and it was a time I will always treasure. I got to hug my granddaughter and talk with her and she even said she wanted to come over to my house and help with my horse (Kota). My daughter came to the table and took pictures of my grands and it was just an incredible evening. Nothing like I had imagined it might be. Since then, my gd has texted me and, hopefully, she and my dd's daughter, will be coming here in the near future. My es never came near me and I am sure he was really upset that entire evening. He stayed by my ex and his wife and, truthfully, I was okay with it. God really blessed me that night. And it has been years! I don't know what the future holds, but God gave me such a peace from the time I went up to my dil and then at my gs's graduation party. Again, it is HIS timing. Has it been easy? Absolutely not and the core group on this site is well aware of the painful times I have had. I am still praying for a total reconciliation but, it is now up to my es. I did all the things I had to do in an attempt to reconcile over these past years and then came to a point when I knew it had to stop and I really, really, had to leave it all with Jesus.
My story is one of years and may be longer than most here. But there have been reconciliations on here also, both after years and some much sooner. And, as many here know, I have a dear friend who was on this site when it was on Daily Strength, for several years, and finally did reconcile with her son and dil and got to see her granddaughters for the first time. They have since become a family again and have all gone to Disney as well as a few other vacation places. My husband and I even got to meet her grands when we visited there a year ago. I was with her throughout the five years of her estrangement and although I know God can do anything, it was hard to imagine any reconciliation in that situation. It has truly been a miracle, and God gets all the glory. So, please remain hopeful and trusting the Lord no matter how dark it may seem. He walks along side of us and holds us up and will "...return the years the locusts have eaten." Joel
Since this site has had little participation over the past months, I think it would be helpful for our new members if we can share some of our stories...regardless of where you are in your estrangement. We all need to know that we are not alone in this. We have heartaches, tears, questions and sometimes encouragement. God's Word does say we are to bear one another's burdens. Hope to hear from some of you. Prayers and blessings....
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Post by fallingleaves on Jul 23, 2018 17:15:07 GMT
Thank you JeepGirl for sharing your story. Your courage and perseverance gives me hope for a reconciliation with my ed. After just 7 months of abandonment by my daughter it feels like decades. Every day is a struggle. I've read more threads and there is so many brave mothers (and fathers) forging meaningful lives within this nightmare. As I write here sometimes I start to cry again. Maybe that is healing perhaps? I feel an understanding from others, even if it is online. It is cathartic to know that His Church is praying and supporting hurting parents, I have so many questions for all of you. Each persons journey is unique but it helps to get different perspectives.
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Post by renate9 on Jul 23, 2018 19:40:27 GMT
Good that this site is up and running again. My Ed is still estranged and so is my E-sister. Some days I don't cope all that well.
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Post by JeepGirl on Jul 24, 2018 3:29:07 GMT
Fallingleaves, please feel free to ask any questions. Although we are all estranged, our stories are different and I am pretty certain that many who read on here will understand where you are coming from and will be more than willing to share thoughts with you.
Renate9, on those days you are not coping well, just post here (don't have to give details if you are not up to it), but you will definitely be lifted in prayer and will know you are not alone and that you are loved. PS We are leaving for a little vacation tomorrow and on our way to our destination, we will be visiting my brother who I was estranged from for quite some time up until last Christmas. Again, some hope. You said you are estranged from your sister. Didn't think my brother and I would ever speak again and now, I am going to wrap a birthday present for his wife. Who would have thought? But, God knew!
Prayers and love...
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Post by luke2231 on Jul 24, 2018 16:23:51 GMT
Have a wonderful vacation JeepGirl and enjoy the time away from real life! Thank you for the prayers - we're home safely now. ;-) That's also so fantastic about all the softening you've had with your family relationships. It really does work out in God's timing, and no matter how much we wish we could change it, we can't do anything to force it... Which brings me to both Renate and Fallingleaves... I've been estranged for almost 3 years, and what Jeep says is true - you will have more good days than bad. It still hurts, just not with the same intensity or all-encompassing anguish. The further I am into it, I'm learning that God is using this - TRULY! - for me to change myself into more of what He wants me to be than what I think I should be. Instead of finding my identity in being X's mom, I'm finding my identity (as it should be) in being the King's daughter. That may sound all fluffy and good Christian speak, but it really is true; I'm seeking Him in so much more of life because of this estrangement. I see areas that could have caused issues with our son, and working on them. Maybe I thought we had a good relationship but maybe I was also more involved in his life than I should have been. Maybe I gave advice too freely, without being asked. Maybe I didn't pray over things as much as I should have and acted instead. Our son told us that it wasn't about us, but about him. The further into this, the more I see that's true; he needed and needs to get his head and heart right. And so do I. So while I wouldn't say that estrangement is a blessing, it's certainly been a wakeup call for me. Do I still believe that I was a good parent and this estrangement is unnecessary - yes! Is it painful and agonizing - yes! But I believe God wants more for me than pain 24/7 and even this forum is a way to take the focus off of me and encourage others.
While what I've said may sound too bright and happy, I assure you that it still is overwhelmingly painful at times; I've just learned to not dwell on the pain but instead ask what the purpose of this is. Like a pebble dropping in water, the ripples of the estrangement have caused other areas and relationships in my life to be affected as well. I'm sure you understand that too. Just know that the bad days can be made better by coming here and unloading. That's honestly what helped me get to the point where I am now. I know that many of the people here - even the silent ones - have sent up prayers on my behalf during the times when I haven't been able to cry out to God myself, and we will do that for you too!
Sending you hugs and praying that your relationship will be restored and strengthened beyond any imagination!
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Post by lindajoan on Jul 24, 2018 22:08:57 GMT
Jeep girl, What a blessing you have had with your daughter in law and grands. It is truly an answer to prayer. We will pray that this breakthrough will continue. Have a wonderful time away. It is wonderful that you will have contact with your brother.
Luke, Praise the Lord for keeping you safe.
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Post by lindajoan on Jul 24, 2018 22:29:18 GMT
Renate, some days are harder than others. Remember we are here for you and to pray for you.
Falling Leaves, we are here for you to give support and prayer. My daughter left home several years ago at age 20 to follow a boyfriend. Her life has been a difficult one with many moves and relationships. The Lord always revealed to us where she was which we are thankful for. When she left it was with many lies and accusations. This hurt the entire family. She has not repented of this as of yet.
Recently, she started texting occasionally. She lives in a different state now but it is still good to have some connection. Only the Lord knows where it will lead. We trust Him and continue to pray.
Estrangement is hard and does take a toll on us. Please be kind to yourself and take one day at a time. The Lord cares and so do we.
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Post by everloving11 on Jul 28, 2018 15:57:45 GMT
OH it seems like months since I've been on this site. I've been very busy as a teacher and I also head up our summer school and do several other duties so things only sped up. In fact, I just got back from a week of visiting my newfound biological grandmother's family ~ filling a hole I've known about since I was 10. One of my aunts, a dear sweet Christian great-grandmother, is going through the pain of watching her grown daughter try dealing with estrangement. My aunt feels caught in the middle - should she still see the grandchild and his family who has cut off her daughter or should she back off? Estrangement goes way beyond two generations. Anyway, I have invited her to come here but I forgot how to get in. Can you help me out please Lindajoan?
For the newbies here, I will introduce myself. I am an active mother of 4 (one of whom is our es) and grandmother of 11 (never met the youngest yet and his sister is autistic --- miss her so much). This has been going on for nearly 3 years. One day, there was free and easy communication then nothing the next....never really knowing what I did wrong for him to say to the only family member he still communicates with, "I hope this hurts my mother." Ah, wish granted! But, once I learned through this site that I wasn't the only one whom this has happened to , I have not been bound by the emotional paralysis of estrangement ~ I am free to live again and enjoy the many blessings of our Lord Jesus Christ! BTW, Jesus knows how we feel ~ our Heavenly Father purposefully estranged Himself from His only Son on the cross so that we would never know His estrangement. WOW!
Oh, there are still emotional triggers that send me back to the place of pain, but I know the peace of God and encouragement of each of you. Forgiveness is something I do for myself. I am listening to our Christian radio station's Saturday morning programming and the announcer's topic today is "Words". He just said that unforgiveness gives free rent in your head for all sorts of negative thoughts and words. How true. Someday, I may know the beauty of reconciliation with our es and his family BUT I am content to wait and let God be His parent for now (even though the real crux of the problem is that our es is estranged from God ~ angry over Him doing him wrong.
God bless every one of you, no matter how long your estrangement or how long you've been with us. There are no demands on this site, just free and easy communication and encouragement.
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Post by fallingleaves on Jul 30, 2018 5:20:56 GMT
Hi everloving and bettyshe. God bless you both and thank you for sharing your stories of hope and courage. I'm so grateful for all of you on this forum. It's been a very rough week. My husband is ill and we need prayer. I feel so alone. I know that Christ is with us in our sufferings but I have so much fear. Ever since I was a child I always have been terrified of being abandoned. I don't know why. I had a stable home growing up. I forgot to mention that my only sibling, a sister and I are estranged. We have always had a difficult relationship but it became intolerable when our parents started aging. I feel like I've been tossed to the curb. There is more news on ed but it's late so I'll update soon. Thank you for caring and prayers.
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Post by everloving11 on Jul 30, 2018 12:55:47 GMT
Oh fallingleaves you are in my prayers. Struggles on many sides, but God is in the middle of them all. "I will never leave or forsake you," our Father says. I pray He fills that void left by those who are away....
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Post by lindajoan on Jul 30, 2018 20:08:57 GMT
Can anyone help everloving explain to someone how to get on this site? I think Jeepgirl knows but she is away. Info should come soon.
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Post by fallingleaves on Aug 6, 2018 2:13:40 GMT
Hello, I haven't been posting lately because I am really struggling. The reality of this has sunk in this summer and the pain of estrangement has sucked the life out of me. Maybe as time goes on I'll get my bearings. Sorry for being so down, not even prayer seems to pull me up. I met a new neighbor this week. She is my age and she seems really nice. She mentioned getting together for coffee. I think she could sense I am hurting. I'd love to have her for a friend, but I'm afraid I'll put her off by my sad demeanor. I try to put on a front with others but it's tough to be cheerful and happy when you are dying inside. This lady I met is very perceptive and she is a teacher, a mom of 3 and a grand mom to 4. The stigma of being estranged from your child is so difficult! How do you handle social relationships? What do you say or not say?
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Post by luke2231 on Aug 6, 2018 14:08:39 GMT
Hi fallingleaves.... Boy, do I, and dare I say it, WE understand all of your post! Yes, reality sinks in and it's easy to flounder. In fact, if you didn't lose your bearings, you probably wouldn't be normal! You're GRIEVING... your child, your relationship, an ideal of how you thought your life would be, and so much more, so it's natural to cycle through a myriad of emotions as you grieve. My advice? Allow the emotions in. Learn to pay attention to what triggers those feelings, not so that you can learn to avoid the feelings, but maybe the things that cause you to be pulled down. For instance, whenever I see Jurassic Park or anything dinosaur related, it brings me sadness because our ES was such a dinosaur lover and I remember all those days when he was young and so enthusiastic about sharing dino info with me. Learning to recognize why and what makes me sad is helpful. I absolutely allow myself to feel all the feelings, but nowadays I also don't allow myself to stay in the depths of despair.
To a degree, I also avoid people that cause me to feel negative about myself and our relationship with him, including family. Sometimes people can be judgmental without understanding the real issues, but you have to go with your gut as to whom you share your story with. Your neighbor seems to be friendly and you can be friendly back, but just because you're friendly doesn't mean you have to unload on her in the first hour! Feel her out. See what kind of friend she is/will be and take it slow. If she asks about your children, and your daughter comes up, use one of the generic "We don't see her as much as we'd like" or "Kids these days are so busy and focused on themselves... do you understand the need for constant selfies?" kinds of answers. Chances are that even if you say that, you'll project an "I don't want to talk about it" vibe and she won't go further unless YOU bring it up. And of course, as an introvert, I've learned that the best way to take the focus off of me is to ask questions of the other person! Be interested in her instead! There is a stigma, but also the longer I am into E, the more I find other people are going through it too. In fact, one of my husband's brothers is going through it as well. When it first happened to us, they kind of acted toward us as if we had been horrid people behind closed doors, even though we'd parented alongside each other. They couldn't understand why he would do it. What had we done to push him away? And now, they're asking questions of us, praying for us too, because they didn't understand until it happened to them. And believe me, they were great parents! Like we were. Are.
This brings me to how I don't "allow" myself to stay in the depths of despair... I still go there from time to time but I've learned that if I let myself feel the grief, the pain, the anger and identify why I'm feeling that way, the ebbs and tides of those emotions are shorter in duration. When our ES cut off contact almost 3 years ago, I couldn't imagine ever pulling myself out of the pit, much as you're feeling lately. People close to me would say they were praying and try to offer words of wisdom, but unless you're experiencing it, they can't really understand and speak to you in those darkest places and hours. It was a few months into our E when someone on another forum asked me that if and when our son "came back" did I want him to find me bitter and in a puddle of tears on the floor, or did I want him to find me as someone who went through a terrible crisis but emerged on the other side striving to have a good life despite that crisis? Did I want to teach him that the worse can happen to me, but I still hoped and believed in God's promises and faithfulness and learned to live a life of joy and purpose? That really REALLY resonated with me because I want to learn what God's trying to teach me. It seemed to me that even if I'm not in contact and relationship with our son, I can still be a parent to him and show him how to go through the inevitable trials and woes of life, no matter what they are, with God's help.
I know, I know, all this sounds nice and fluffy, but it's true. It takes hard work and it's painful too. I started by finding things that brought me happiness. I used to paint when I was younger but stopped when kids and life and marriage made it too hard to find the time. I started doing that again and it's a huge stress reliever. I got involved in a women's group at church (most of the women in it don't have any idea about our ES because I just haven't felt safe enough - yet - to share it), but it's been nice to be around other women and pray for someone else's needs for a change. I travel. I garden. My husband and I take more time for each other now too. It's a process, but you'll find that when you start taking care of YOU (which, isn't that what your daughter is supposedly doing for herself?) you'll also start to learn to surrender the situation to God a little at a time. You'll learn to trust Him a little more with it. Your daughter (and my son) apparently feels that their mental health, sanity, happiness, yada yada is important enough to estrange. Who says that HER being happy is more important than YOU being happy? Why can't you both be happy? My point is that you need to learn - and again, it's a slow process - to take care of YOU. You need to learn that after spending a life taking care of your child, your life deserves happiness as well.
Your happiness matters. Your well-being matters. Your sanity matters. Your health matters. Your state of mind matters. You matter. Take care of you.
Sending you hugs and prayers. God is with you, even when you can't feel the prayers and even when you can't pray. He's there. And we're here for you too.
xo, Luke
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Post by lindajoan on Aug 6, 2018 20:25:24 GMT
Falling Leaves, estrangement does make us sad. That is our true feelings. It is something we never expected.
I'm glad you met a nice friend. Please don't feel you have to share anything about the estrangement. You will know when and if you are comfortable doing so.
We are here to support you,share ideas, and pray for you.
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Post by JeepGirl on Aug 8, 2018 3:01:18 GMT
So glad you did post, fallingleaves. When you are feeling down and struggling, then that is the time to come here. Even if you write a sentence or two asking for prayer. I have always felt better when I received a reply and just knowing that someone understands and cares.
Luke's reply was so good that I really cannot add anything to it. And I agree with both Luke and lindajoan about not having to share until and if, you are ready. There was only a small circle of friends that knew when I was first estranged from my son. Most people in my church did not know what I was going through. It is important to know someone and trust them before sharing about your estrangement. Just look to God. I found He always gave me discernment about who I could share with.
I don't think there is a person here who doesn't hurt when we know someone else is hurting because of their estrangement. These are the times I wish I had a magic wand to make everything better for them (and you). But we have Jesus and He is so much better than a magic wand. He really can restore. However, the hardest part is to keep believing and trusting as we wait. Eventually we start to doubt again and start questioning again. That is why we are here to remind each other that God really does have this and to encourage each other to keep going forward, as Luke so beautifully explained. God is also doing a work in us throughout our estrangements.
Lifting you up in prayer and asking for God's peace and strength to keep you moving forward. Lots of love and hugs...
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