|
|
Post by JeepGirl on Mar 7, 2018 22:55:27 GMT
Hi Everyone, Unless someone posts or I look on our "members" list, I usually don't know who is a new member. When I looked recently, I saw we had quite a few new members. After seeing the new people, I just want to say, that in order to keep our site active, we really need participation, whether by sharing, asking questions or suggestions on how our site could be improved in some way.
I certainly know, first-hand, how sensitive estrangement is and that we also want to be careful in what we share. Estrangement makes us so vulnerable and we certainly don't want to be hurt anymore than we already have been by our ec. Also, trust, is an important factor in whether or not we want to share on a site. And, lastly, for me, I was apprehensive about how to use this website. I am far from being computer saavy but, once I attempted a simple reply to a post, I discovered it was quite simple to navigate. I will admit that, in the beginning (and maybe still on occasion), I accidently posted the same comment a few times.
We have a wonderful administrator who is a true prayer warrior and loves the Lord. We also have some members who have been in estrangement for some time and truly understand the rollercoaster ride of emotions we live with and are willing to share their own experiences. The most important thing about our members is that we are Believers in Jesus Christ and His Word and understand He is our ultimate counselor.
Prayers for everyone.... |
|
|
|
Post by lindajoan on Mar 8, 2018 3:14:26 GMT
Thank you Jeep for the kind words and wisdom for our new members. We certainly are thankful for the new members here. We are here to support you and share and pray for you. We understand estrangement. We are thankful for all the help the Lord gives to us.
God bless each one of you.
|
|
hope
New Member
Posts: 6
|
Post by hope on Apr 2, 2018 3:35:36 GMT
Hi, I'm new here ... it is a little bit confusing about how to introduce oneself to the group where people already seem to know each other well. I could give you my story but I don't know your backstory, and that makes me feel a bit on the spot, if you know what I mean. I am reading older postings for now... maybe I'll get some clues...... it would be nice if you would all introduce me to you and your situations as I'm writing about mine.
I have been estranged from my middle daughter for ... oh, I must do math.
It has been twenty years now, since she has talked to me. For many years before, she was hateful, scornful, and disrespectful. Raised by my ex-husband and his girlfriend. She has never told me why she won't talk to me. Probably, lies and misrepresentations by the people she lived with, but she will not talk to me or tell me why she refuses all contact. Once, at the beginning, she said I should apologize, but wouldn't tell me what I was supposed to apologize about. This all happened long before I became a Christian. I've been a Christian only 4 years, 8 months.
More recently, since Thanksgiving I've managed to become estranged from two more children, apparently, and one brother. It is so complicated, but much goes back to the issue with my estranged child ... as my brother and older daughter maintain contact with her. My childless brother seems to want to take over as parent of my five children, now that he's retired, and undermine my relationships with my children. He has done his best to try to get my two youngest children to make complaints about the way they were educated (homeschooled) and now has also become estranged from my youngest daughter essentially over the homeschooling issue as she's now homeschooling her children. They have formally declared their intent to be no-contact within the last two months.
It is so complicated. Well, thanks for reading. Since my situation has been ongoing 20+ years, I'm feeling emotionally detached as much as can be expected. Even these more recent estrangements don't seem to cause me any upset. Of course now, I'm a Christian, and can pray about it. I am content with waiting. I am the only Christian in my family except one cousin I haven't seen in over twenty years. We were raised agnostic.
|
|
|
|
Post by everloving11 on Apr 2, 2018 12:44:31 GMT
Hang in there, Hope. I am so sorry for your on-going and recent estrangements. As you have probably experienced, your fairly new relationship in Christ is permanent for He has promised to never leave or forsake (estrange Himself from) you (Hebrews 13:5b)...I have found great peace and comfort in Him!!!
My story runs like so many others: close relationship with our son one day, completely cut off the next. We have some clues as to his behavior (serving in Iraq and not getting any more counseling; reaction to on-going punishment for past poor choices; etc.) Compared to you, I've only known a little over 2 years of estrangement - and have never met one of my grandchildren. Holidays and birthdays are still tough. I finally re-purposed one of the grandchildren's Easter basket this year. All in all, it is confusing and messy.
I enjoy a full and rich life --- yet carry the hole in my heart that still loves, and wonders, and waits. I understand about being the only Christian in your family - may you find a sense of family and sisterhood here! Thanks for sharing, Hope.
|
|
rose
New Member
Posts: 24 
|
Post by rose on Apr 2, 2018 18:18:08 GMT
You are in my prayers, Hope. I have been estranged from my son for two years with one year of no direct communication. I know I am still the Lord's "work in progress" but I don't know the specific reason(s) for the separation. I have 2 grown daughters and their families who live nearby. They are also forbidden to have contact with him. He has contact with a few extended family members.
I still grieve and I suspect I always will. I praise the Lord for the comfort given to me and others. I have a full life caring for my husband with dementia, my brother with brain injury, and my mother.
I hope you enjoy this forum sharing joys and heartaches with others who have similar experiences and a common faith. Praise be to our risen Lord and Savior.
|
|
|
|
Post by lindajoan on Apr 2, 2018 18:19:00 GMT
Dear Hope,
I am so glad you introduced yourself and shared your estrangement
story. I am sorry for your long time and more recent estrangement. Estrangement is sad. I am so thankful we have the Lord. We can always count on Him.
My estranged daughter left home at age 20 about 6 years ago. She always had emotional problems. She has made a mess of her life thus far. The only time she contacts us and not recently is when she has wanted something. The Lord has always directed my husband and I how to respond or not. We have not had contact for a while now.
Please stay in contact here. We are like a family. We care about each other and support one another. God bless you.
|
|
hope
New Member
Posts: 6
|
Post by hope on Apr 2, 2018 18:40:38 GMT
Thanks for the warm welcome, Everloving, Rose, and LindaJoan...
Everloving - I also have never seen my middle daughter's children - she has two now, a boy and a girl. I pray for them all, but feel at peace about not seeing them. I trust Jesus will care for them.
Rose, thank you for your prayers. How do you feel about your son having contact with extended family members? My situation has been ongoing for many years and when my extended family members have contact with this one daughter it feels to me like they are disregarding my pain. I think if everyone did to her what she's done to me, she might think twice about being so cruel. I wonder how my other family members can be on friendly terms with her when they know how much this has hurt me. But then, I also realize that my other family members have never had children and may not know the extent to which this has caused me pain. Not only am I the only Christian, but also, the only parent, except for my youngest daughter who has two, and the middle EC daughter who has two. Everyone else in my family is childless. And, kind of clueless about what it means to be a parent.
LindaJoan - thanks so much for starting this forum. It is very much needed and I'm glad to have found this place where I can talk about it with other Christians.
I don't understand my daughter's choice of estrangement. I know there was a lot of false accusations leveled at me back when my two older daughters were minors, so that their father and his girlfriend could keep custody. I can only imagine that my middle EC daughter believed those things and holds them against me, but she has never been willing to let me tell my side of the story, or discuss it all with her. I am not a drug addict or alcoholic (never have been) and did not beat her or anything bad like that. My own mother had those problems - beat me when I was a child, until I was old enough to realize I had to fight back, and was alcoholic during my teen years. Yet I would never do the estrangement thing to my own mother. I forgave her and told her I held nothing against her, and thanked her for the good she did for me. She seemed to have some kind of personality disorder as she angered easily - but we remained friends to the end. So, I don't understand my ED being so unwilling to give me a chance. I've tried, over the years to tell her I love her and want to talk to her, but she's never responded. I have, at this point, quit trying. She wants to live without me and I'm willing to let her do that. Why keep trying for something and getting only rejection?
|
|
|
|
Post by abrokenman on Apr 4, 2018 0:42:07 GMT
So, I’m wondering if I’m in the right place. I was a dad of 5, hers, mine and ours. But first the stepson that I treated just like my own since his dad was never around. Then my daughter from my first marriage. Then our 2 sons. All through this, my oldest son has been my rock. But just recently he’s even pulled back. Happy Easter was only in a Risen Saviour and not because of family.
I don’t know what I did or said, well, I’m sorry there are a counter lecof things that may have contributed, but not total detachment. Total abandon. I once told my ex, a man without his family is bankrupt. Wow, was that a self fulfilling prophecy I never thought would come true.
I’m lost. I’m hurt. I have God. But even in that blessed assurance, my 4 biological children are foreign. And I don’t know my grand daughters.
My second to youngest son, moved to the city I live in in August 2017, but I haven’t seen him since my oldest sons wedding in October, 2015. On Fathers Day 2017, he proposed to his gf. I he texted me to get my address and my sister’s address. I never got the invite in the mail.
He texted me about 5 weeks ago to see if I was going. I told him I didn’t know where it was or when. Then, lovingly, expressed how painful it was for him to be here and I haven’t even met her.
|
|
|
|
Post by everloving11 on Apr 4, 2018 12:50:38 GMT
Yes, you are in the right place. We are all Christian Parents of Estranged Adult Children! Most of us are women but men are certainly welcome. Many of us have husbands who are also suffering this estrangement but don't feel the need to reach out for help. So we, as women, are there for them when they do want to talk about it. In the same way we are there for those men who come to this site who don't have those resources.
I will certainly be praying and hoping that somehow it will work out that you can go to your son's wedding and this can bring some sort of reconciliation. I remember when we got married years ago that I kept messing up the address of the ones I most should not have (out of nervousness, I presume) -- and they never got an invitation each time. Much ruffled feathers and hurt feelings but they did come to the wedding and things worked out.
|
|
hope
New Member
Posts: 6
|
Post by hope on Apr 4, 2018 14:41:31 GMT
Abrokenman, welcome... if you know where your son lives, can you just go over there and see him? I like the direct approach. My ED is on the other side of the country. It is good to hear he wanted to invite you, anyhow, even if the mailing didn't turn out right. Did you invite him to go out to dinner with you or anything like that?
|
|
|
|
Post by lindajoan on Apr 4, 2018 17:55:14 GMT
We welcome you here. Estrangement is very difficult. We are here for one another for support and prayer. God bless you.
|
|
|
|
Post by abrokenman on Apr 5, 2018 0:58:03 GMT
Thank you.
My son that’s here, I know he is here, but no idea where. I am pretty resourceful, but I have no idea where he lives. He just says the city name, our city. Since he moved here, about every 2 weeks I would text, a kind random thought, an invite to dinner, brunch, lunch. To reduce the threat i’ve offered every sweet token or gesture I can. It’s not a safety issue as I am a gentle soul. I have a hard time killing a cock roach. Will feed a stray animal, etc. as far as the wedding goes, that going to be tough as well as my ex, her family and goons will be there and it will put me in grave danger. I know God has my back but it’s something that is pretty certain. Despite the receipt of these warnings and threats,our police are too busy (and understaffed)to take the time to handle death or severe bodily injury threats.
As for the wedding again, I have no idea where but I know it’s not in town. I can’t drive all over the state trying to find it. I’m not as young as I used to be. But I think it’s still a few months off.
My oldest son, I tried calling again last night, then sent an I love you to him and his wife. Nothing.
It’s so bloody hard. I use an online Counselling service and even my therapist is floored by this. Given I am pretty much am alone except for my cat, no real friends to speak of, yet another self fulfilling prophecy. I know my health is declining slowly, but the question becomes is it the natural aging process or is it the loneliness. Either way, it’s like getting divorced and the NCP always seems to be the fun one. Doesn’t have any consequences for actions. That is my ex wives.
I have asked for forgiveness for whatever I’ve done as I have told them, well the 3 of the 4 that I have contact info for, I forgive, let’s put the past behind and move forward.
I have the cute little picture that says it all. Don’t judge me from my past, I don’t live there anymore.
I have to reach out, it’s driving me mad.
|
|
rose
New Member
Posts: 24
|
Post by rose on Apr 5, 2018 5:32:27 GMT
Hope, you asked how I feel that extended family is allowed contact. I admit I feel jealous. It hurts. For a long time I felt that knowing why would ease the pain. But through prayer and counseling I see that God's grace is sufficient for me. The path to peace for me is to put it all in the Lord's hands and not "lean unto (my) own understanding". I hope this helps.
abrokenman, thanks for sharing your story. I am glad you found us. My husband was a loving step-father to my boy whose own father left when I was pregnant. I know how much he loves him and hurts over this estrangement. He has dementia so, mercifully, he often forgets that there is an estrangement but when it comes up he is heartbroken. I hope you will find comfort in this group. My prayers are with you.
|
|
hope
New Member
Posts: 6
|
Post by hope on Apr 5, 2018 5:58:44 GMT
I am hurt by my daughter's rejection but I've worked through most of that during the 20 years this has been going on. Now I have ways to connect with and help or encourage other young people. I will live a full loving life of relationships regardless of whether they are direct kin to me. I am having fun... ED can't take that from me.
|
|
|
|
Post by fallingleaves on Jul 14, 2018 4:32:10 GMT
Hello, Thank you to all for this forum. I'm reluctant to share much right now as I am new to being estranged. My adult daughter stopped all communication and made it known that in her words 'I was dead to her'. That was 7 months ago, although in the past 3 years she has put out warnings that our relationship was on thin ice by going several weeks without communicating. I thought we had a good relationship. I am devastated. The pain is beyond anything I have dealt with. I can't get into too much detail now. It's too painful. I'm in survival mode. Waves of grief hit me every day. I'm also hurting for the loss of my only young grandchild who my husband and I adore. A third party , my daughters husband is involved in this estrangement. I've tried to live a Christian life...be a good wife and mother all these years. I can't find the words. My heart is broken.
|
|
