How to handle death in Extrangement

Estrangement, especially no contact estrangement essentially pulls the plug on us doing anything 'normal.'

I wouldn't know who died and who didn't in my estrangement ... so it wouldn't be a 'thing' for me. But, if I did, I wouldn't do the 'normal' thing because 1) they have made it abundantly clear they prefer zero contact 2) they don't want me part of their lives (and that would include any deaths too) and 3) I fear the retaliation frankly.

They pulled the plug, not me ... so anything 'normal,' including my response to their family's deaths would be out the window too ... but that's just me.

Bottom line, we all do the best we can do and what we can live with in these absurd circumstances that our EC's SELFISHLY and NEEDLESSLY create. Either way, they blame us ... doubt it makes much of a hill of beans whether we do or don't do 'whatever.' They blame us anyway, otherwise they'd straighten up and not be estranged and 'man up' and show some respect. It is what it is, sadly.

The funeral for my es dil's mom was yesterday. I thought sending the texts would help but I do not know whether my es dil or my grands received them. My daughter told me that the cell numbers I had for them were correct, but I have no way of knowing if my es blocked me from their phones. In the past, es has intercepted their messages and wrote back to me to leave them alone. I have no way of knowing whether my es blocked me .  There is so much parents can do these days. I know my daughter checks all three of her kids texts all the time. I looked up "blocking" info for cells and found out that they can absolutely be blocked.  Also, I found out that it is almost impossible to find out if our texts are blocked.  If we call the number, we may be able to tell by how many rings and how quickly it goes to voice mail.  Calling is not something I intend to do, however.

So, how can I find out if grands got my texts? I mentioned it to my daughter and she didn't come out and say she would ask the kids; however, I got the sense she would find out for me if I asked her.

Then, what really upset me today was my daughter telling me that at the funeral service yesterday for their grandmother, my 15-yr old granddaughter was crying hysterically and my grandson (19) had tears running down his face. He rarely shows any emotion. But I also know his heart and his sensitivity that others don't usually see. He was my first grandchild and we were extremely close up until middle school, when the estrangement happened.

My daughter began crying on the phone during our conversation because she felt so bad for the kids. With that, I also became emotional, telling her that I wish I was in their lives again to hug them and comfort them. She replied that she "...hated all of this." But, like most of us on this site, I am totally helpless. Of course, I turned to God right away and prayed but, I have to confess, it was one of those times I prayed but didn't have the faith. Just feeling very discouraged. I think its one of those times when others have to intercede in prayer because I am not in the right spirit.

Once again, no matter how long our estrangements are, or how well we have been doing focusing on others and other things in our lives, the grief and pain from the void left in our souls from the loss of our ec can quickly rise to the surface of our minds and hearts.

Oh Lindajoan, wish I could send a card. Tried that in the beginning of our estrangement. My son returns cards and gifts. My daughter told me my grandson is working at a different service station and where it is located.  In the past, when I went to the other one, he did speak to me. Although, 19years old, he still lives with his family and has to obey their rules. I do understand that.

So, I am thinking about either asking my daughter if she could find out from one of the grands if they got my text OR visiting my grandson. Although, I learned not to get dd involved in the estrangement and, now, only listen to what she brings up about them, I may ask her about finding this out for me.

Thanks for your thoughts, lindajoan. Most of us here are truly helpless regarding what we can do. But, God can always help us.

Update on the death of my e/grands' other grandmother.

As I said, I sent my eDiL and my 2 grands texts which I customized pics from the internet by adding their names and saying something special about dil's mom and grands' grandmother. Since my es sent gifts and cards back to me in the past and intercepted some phone calls, I didn't know if my texts were received.

I try not to get my daughter involved with the estrangement and she still sees her brother and kids. However, I asked her if she would simply find out if the texts were received. I felt that knowing that they received them would give me peace. The other day, she told me she spoke to my eDil and asked her about texts. Dil said "Yes, they received them". My dd said she left it at that and didn't say anything else to dil. I understand that (I guess) and am appreciative that dd asked.

Well, as I said, I didn't really expect a reply and simply wanted to know that my texts were received. Why is it that what we say and think we mean, often is not true. The truth is that I really would have liked a reply to my texts and, now that I found out they received them, rather than the peace I expected to have, it just brought forth more sadness. I know the texts weren't intercepted. They just didn't want to reply.

As we always say, unless someone has been estranged from a child/grandchild, they have no clue how we feel. We are even surprised about how "we" feel, at times. Estranged is one of those words that can only be fully understood by living it and no one wants to live this.

In spite of everything, as Believers, we have the Hope of Jesus and His Word....which says that What the devil meant for evil, God meant for good. HE can change the worst situations and "...restore the years..." Praying for each of us to be reconciled.

JeepGirl, I am sorry for your loss. It is hard to imagine your grandchildren grieving and being unable to comfort them. I hope it helps to know the heavenly Father embraces them and heals their hearts & yours also.

So good to see your name and post, bettyshe. And, as always, your kind sweet spirit comes through in all your posts and replies. Thank you for replying here. Although the loss of your daughter and the grief you experienced is far deeper than my situation, you still understand my feelings and my inability to share or comfort my grands through this. Also, you understand how powerful Parental Alienation is and the stronghold it had on our children.

Bettyshe, I see this reply from you as a gift from God. Just having someone who understands is comforting. Thank you and prayers lifted up for you also, my sister. Love and blessings...