rose
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Post by rose on Feb 7, 2018 13:59:05 GMT
My mother's 80th birthday is coming up. My sister, who is allowed to contact my ES, says he is likely to be coming. Just the thought of it has me weeping with joy then fearful that he won't come. I had been doing well with putting this in the Lord's hands but I am now a wreck again. I am concerned that I will react badly whether he comes or not. My sister is telling me to be careful about letting my emotions show. I would give anything to be able to see his face again but I don't want to ruin my mother's party. Advice please.
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Post by luke2231 on Feb 7, 2018 14:28:08 GMT
I have no experience with this at all, because my son has nothing to do with our entire family, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but my advice is to let him be the guide, if that makes sense. Be cordial, be polite, don't ignore him, but don't be glue at his side, either. If he wants to reminisce, and he's friendly, mirror back his behavior. If he ignores you, still be polite. It was ingrained into me to always be the bigger person. I know you don't want to ruin your mom's party, but you really have no control over what HE does, and if he chooses to be rude or pointedly ignore you, that's on him, and you shouldn't feel responsible for his actions. Easier said than done, I know, because as parents we always feel responsible having raised them, but he's an adult now and responsible for his own behavior.
I'm also a huge conflict avoider, so I understand your concerns about reacting badly; I'm always afraid I'll start crying because I'm so emotional. It really does help me if I "practice" my behavior ahead of time. i.e., if he ignores me, how will I react? I think I'll smile and spend time talking to ____ because she always puts me at ease with her humor. OR.... If he wants to pick a fight, I'll just say, "this is about my mom's birthday, I won't do this now." If you can think ahead of how you'll react, chances are less likely that you'll over-react!
Keep us posted... we're here and praying for you!
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Post by lindajoan on Feb 7, 2018 17:22:18 GMT
Rose, I surely hope your ES does come to the birthday. It would be special for you to see him. Some excellent advice has been given and I agree to pray beforehand to know how to handle the situation. Taking his lead is best.
We will be praying for you too. Please keep us posted.
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rose
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Posts: 24
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Post by rose on Feb 7, 2018 20:54:19 GMT
Thanks for the support and advice. My concern is that I will be overly emotional which would distract from my mom's birthday. I don't want to be a crying mess. So your advice to practice beforehand is great Luke2231. That and lots of prayer for peace and wisdom.
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Post by difficulttime2 on Feb 7, 2018 23:08:15 GMT
My ED is zero contact with us for 8 years, including extended family.
However, I have had some experience with difficult relatives ... my 2 cents is this:
Focus on your own behavior and simply respond or behave in such as a way that is pleasing to the Lord. Likewise, whatever your ED says or does ... his behavior (even if he intends it to be directed your way) ... is really between him and God, ya know. We are no longer responsible for their behavior ... let it be between him and God and let God deal with him in His timing.
Whether your son shows up, or not ... he's an adult ... it's his decision. While, you would like to see him ... yes, don't put too much emphasis on the party and that moment in time. The reality is, it is just another moment in time -- just put it in God's hands and pray that He will give you the grace to deal with whatever comes up, or doesn't in that moment. Grace is a bit like a train ticket ... you don't need it until the moment you need it.... Trust Him!
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rose
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Posts: 24
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Post by rose on Feb 8, 2018 2:15:39 GMT
Thank you for your good advice, difficulttime2. My heart goes out to you that you have endured an 8 year absence. I have only dealt with this for a year. I am still rather raw. I don't know if it gets less painful in time, but I imagine not.
I feel blessed that my son has some family contact. My sister is a woman of great faith so I know the Lord leads her in her discussions with him.
I don't worry that he will cause a scene. It isn't likely. I just get overwhelmed with emotion at the thought of seeing him, hearing his voice. I'm like a stupid teenage girl with a crush waiting by the phone when he is mentioned. Most of the time I'm okay. Prayer is a comfort and my life is very busy. Hopefully, in a few days I'll be myself again.
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Post by difficulttime2 on Feb 8, 2018 10:07:02 GMT
Rose,
oh my goodness ... a year is still very very raw indeed....
It does get easier, at least for me it has. God is good, always there to pull me up when I need it. You learn to live with the rejection, or at least I have.... Some people have reconcilliations ... some don't. I'm at the stage that it almost doesn't matter anymore ... so much time has passed .... I've learned so much and I realized I had put my ED and my grandbabies even above Him ... that was wrong of me ... it's been a process. This has drawn me closer to God, no doubt about it. For that I am actually grateful.
What you are feeling is normal ... takes time to learn to live in this very unreal and awkward estrangement.
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Post by everloving11 on Feb 8, 2018 13:45:05 GMT
Try to focus on your mother's birthday - 80 is quite a milestone. Lately, I have been applying a little STP in my life over another horrific situation === Stop, Trust God, Pray.
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Post by JeepGirl on Feb 10, 2018 0:19:10 GMT
Rose, what a gift God may be giving you. Your sister did say, "... he is likely to be coming." Since she has been in contact with him, I believe she is pretty confident in his attending his grandmother's 80th birthday. What a blessing for your mom and it may be for you, as well. Of course, there is the possibility he may not attend, but you know that.
I think Luke's advice is right on. Not much I could add to that. I have been estranged from my es for about 8 years and I have been in his presence about four times. Unfortunately, none of those times brought about reconciliation. I will admit they were stressful but, honestly, God brought me through. And, on each occasion, He gave me strength I didn't know I had. One thing I learned, as a Christian, a long time ago, is to pray for the Holy Spirit to fill me. He has a power many Believers rarely tap into. Before I go to an event where I think my es may be, I sincerely pray for the Holy Spirit to fill me and give me that supernatural power that only He can give us. He has never failed me. Of course, I would have liked those times to end in reconciliation but I know I was filled with God's presence and that I truly had the "...peace that passes all understanding." My behavior was also an example to others (and myself) of God's power.
As for your emotions, your fear that you may cry, etc., trust God. If you ask to be filled with The Holy Spirit, that would be everything, including your emotions. Pray and trust God to do it all. If you cry, it will be because God allowed it. If you don't cry, it is because God helped you not to. Just remember, you gave it all to HIM and whatever happens will be okay. And most of all, enjoy your mom's 80th birthday and the fact that she is still here with you. Focus on the Lord and on your Mom. God will handle the rest. Prayers and blessings....
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Post by renate9 on Feb 10, 2018 23:53:01 GMT
This is a tough one. I prayed about your situation. Maybe you could think that others on this site are with you in spirit, hugging you.
If I lived near you I would accompany you to the party and be an encourager.
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Post by JeepGirl on Feb 11, 2018 20:33:54 GMT
renate9, it is always good to have a "friend" when in an uncomfortable situation. This June my dd's son will be graduating high school and she is planning his graduation party. My ex will be there but after so many years, I am okay with that. But, I am certain my es and wife and grands will be invited and most likely attend.
I have thought about my grandson's graduation party since he started his senior year of high school last September. And each time, I have come to the conclusion that I need a friend or two with hubby and I. I know my dd's friends and neighbors and in-laws but none are really our "friends". Also, my ex seems to fit in with many of them more than my husband and I. So, as we get closer to the date, I will see who will be around to go along with us. But, always nice to have a support system, especially a brother or sister in the Lord.
Rose, please give us an update after your mom's 80th birthday celebration.
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rose
New Member
Posts: 24
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Post by rose on Feb 20, 2018 3:56:36 GMT
My heart is soaring! My sister just called to tell me that my ES is coming to my mother's party on Saturday. At this moment I don't care if I make a fool of myself or not. Just to see his face again would be so wonderful. I know I may be setting myself up for a big fall but I am overwhelmed with love for him. Luckily I have a few days to calm down. I don't want any of this drama to overshadow my mother's big day. I already had an appointment with a Christian counselor on Wednesday. The Lord knew how much I would need that before I knew. I will report in after about how it goes.
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Post by luke2231 on Feb 20, 2018 14:49:33 GMT
Rose, I'm so glad you'll be able to see him and that he's honoring your mother's big day too. Sending you prayers for wisdom and discernment to let the Holy Spirit's words be spoken to your son, as well as strength, calm and joy during the days leading up to, the actual event, and afterward. May His light and love shine through you and pull your son toward reconciliation! Sending hugs...
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Post by lindajoan on Feb 20, 2018 15:01:16 GMT
I am so happy to hear that you will see your son at the party. What a blessing from the Lord. I will be in prayer that all will go so well. May this be the beginning of a reconciliation. Please keep us posted. God bless you.
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Post by JeepGirl on Feb 20, 2018 17:55:10 GMT
So glad you, now, know your es will be at the party. Knowing is so much better than not knowing. Also, seeing your Christian counselor will be helpful. I always found that prayer and asking the Lord to fill me with the Holy Spirit before entering a sensitive situation (as I said above), has prepared me for whatever the outcome was.
My prayer is for your mom's birthday to be a beautiful event and for you and your son to be part of it in the most special way.....to renew your relationship, which will lead to total reconciliation. Will be praying for you and looking forward to hearing from you after your mom's birthday. Prayers and blessings....
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