Estrangement Dragging Down What Should Be a Joyful Time | Christian Parents of Estranged Adult Children

luke2231
LindaJoan's Assistants

Posts: 342

Estrangement Dragging Down What Should Be a Joyful Time Dec 26, 2017 18:31:24 GMT

Quote

Post by luke2231 on Dec 26, 2017 18:31:24 GMT

Hello Everyone,

Holidays can be hard, but after a couple years under my belt, so to speak, I've learned to steel myself and (mostly) channel those emotions into something more positive. But this is something else...

Oldest son is the ES. If some of you may remember, he moved overseas without telling us and lives just 1 1/2 hrs from our 2nd son, who is stationed nearby in the military. ES has never contacted his brother, even though he knows how close the distance is, and any communication by 2nd son to ES has been utterly disregarded.

For the past couple months, we've known our non-estranged son would be coming home to visit and bring his girlfriend for us to meet at the end of next month. He hasn't been home in 3 years, however, we did go visit him summer of 2016, just before they started dating. He recently was ordered to deploy to a scary part of the world for a year, so..., he and his girlfriend (now fiancee) have decided to get married HERE when they come home because that way she can be his dependent should something happen, and we can share the day, since our oldest son didn't invite us to his wedding, and our son 2nd doesn't want us to miss out again. (I am thankful for his thoughtfulness toward us!) We've only ever Skyped with the fiancee... never met her in person; that's what this visit was intended to do. (The emotions I have right now!!!) Her family lives in a different state, but very generously, they've chosen to marry in our state because she knew how important it is to our son for us to be there and also have time to visit.

Rather quickly though, we're planning a warp speed wedding and it's occupying my mind and my time, but at the same time, there's a huge hole where our estranged son should be. Of course, our 2nd son has reached out to him to come to the wedding (told him we'd even fly him and his wife here) but nothing. Absolutely nothing.

A couple of days ago, my husband, daughter and I were having a conversation about the wedding, our 2nd son not hearing from his brother, etc... and I mentioned how much it wears on me, like a mask that never allows me to fully breathe. It's like there's always some estrangement barrier between what's "supposed to be" and what is, and it colors my world and viewpoint even if I have the eraser. If I'm sad, they know and it affects them, so I try to keep it from influencing the rest of my family as best I can. My husband made a comment which surprised me though... he said that this estrangement doesn't only affect me. I didn't assume that it did - at all - but up to that point, he's always said that it's not our problem; it's our son's, and that we need to just push forward and live our lives the best we can. Good advice, except for me it's not always that easy. So I was surprised that he felt the weight of it, even though I know he usually states otherwise. Anyway, I'm very aware of how it impacts everyone (but my husband, apparently

), including how very sad our 2nd son is that one of the most special days of anyone's life is being ignored by his beloved older brother. I'm so, so very pained for him. And our daughter was always our ES's ally, and she says feels like she hasn't "had" her brother for longer than she had him if that makes sense. The extended family keeps asking about him being at the wedding, and I have to say "no, we haven't spoken to him and don't expect him to be there." It just keeps dredging up all the turmoil.

You guys, this is just SO HARD for me right now! I feel like a) I want to make the time happy and special for everyone else, but I also feel I'm just incapable of that kind of true happiness right now. b) Even though I don't really have any reason to think she isn't good for our 2nd son, I'm still scared that it will be DIL 2.0 messing things up more. And c) My emotions are all over the map and I feel like if I say/do/think the wrong thing, I'll push someone else away too.

I'm probably just over-tired (I know I am) but I would appreciate any perspective or advice you could give me. Also... prayers. I covet your prayers. Thank you in advance... God Bless each of you!

JeepGirl
Senior Member

Posts: 328

Estrangement Dragging Down What Should Be a Joyful Time Dec 26, 2017 21:36:39 GMT

Quote

Post by JeepGirl on Dec 26, 2017 21:36:39 GMT

Oh Luke, I really do understand (and so do most of us here). I wasn't invited to my son's wedding either. And after he had his first child, we reconciled (now estranged again) and just not being at his wedding was always so hard for me, especially after we reconciled and their wedding pictures were all over their home.

And like you, I have a few years under my belt or shall I say "seasoned" in estrangement. Although so painful, at times, it has been such a learning experience too. And I am sure it is the same with you. First of all, I would say to stop thinking you will "say/do/think the wrong thing..." Again, simply look at it as you have changed and become wiser. I am different with my dd because of being estranged from her brother but, in many ways, I am better. Looking back, I was too opinionated and said things I shouldn't have. I should have been quieter on many subjects. But, I am, now, with my dd. I also learned to handle our differences better than I did with my es and dil. My relationship with my dd is far from perfect and there are times I do lose it, but I feel like I am so much better and accepting than I was in the past.

I also learned that I wanted to be so close to my dil in the past and, I thought we were, but found out she talked to my dd about me and some of the things that bugged her about me. So, now, with my sil, I just accept and appreciate whatever he does, focus on what a good father he is to my grands and husband to my dd and, again, not be as opinionated as I was with my es and family. I, personally, feel that it is not entirely my es's fault but, rather, I played a part in this also. Time has given me the opportunity to see my faults, as well, and have asked the Lord to help me change and give me wisdom in my relationships. So, being "scared" is what I would try to move away from and remember all you have learned and, of course, ask the Lord to help you in this new situation.

When any special event is about to happen, we cannot help but think about our ec. How could we not? What I have found is that the anticipated time period is actually worse than the actual event. If you can understand what I mean? Before Christmas, I was so depressed about not spending time with my es's kids and knowing I would not be seeing them for Christmas. But, as the time got closer and I got busier, the depression left me. For one thing, we visited my dh's family in another state last weekend. His little granddaughter was thrilled that we were coming to see her in her Christmas play at church. Being there for a weekend just did us both a world of good, being around people who really wanted us to be part of their Christmas. Then, I spent this past week getting ready to host Christmas dinner for my dd and her family, along with a single male friend of ours. I worked hard and spent well over what we should have, but we were so blessed yesterday and it was all so worth it. Satan did not rob my joy nor did thoughts of my es consume me.

What I am trying to say is, it is normal for estranged parents and siblings to feel the emptiness as you do, but I also know we can get through it all with Jesus' help and with the desire to focus on the blessings we do have, as well as the happy events in our non-estranged children's lives. It is not easy but, as parents, we also need to be there for our non-estranged children and let them be the focus when they should be.

And preparing for a wedding is naturally stressful, even in families with great relationships and even when they have months/years to prepare. So, just remember all you have learned. It is the bride's day. She already has been gracious to have the ceremony in your state. Let her know how much you appreciate that. And just be laid back and let her tell you what "she" wants and what "her" desires are. I am sure you know that already.

Years ago, a sister in the Lord gave me this scripture and I didn't appreciate it back then but I do now. Isaiah 30:15 "...in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it." These days, I surely appreciate those words "...in quietness and trust..."

Prayers for you and your family and for the Holy Spirit to be present to guide you in the preparations for you son's wedding day.

everloving11
Full Member

Posts: 245

Estrangement Dragging Down What Should Be a Joyful Time Dec 26, 2017 22:18:20 GMT

Quote

Post by everloving11 on Dec 26, 2017 22:18:20 GMT

Oh, dear Luke and Jeepgirl ~ we can never forget the child we carried for 9 months and nurtured and soothed. I keep thinking that one day our ES will "wake up" and I will hear his familiar voice again.
It's interesting what emotional triggers still stagger us or cause us to freeze in dull panic again. At least now, we recognize where those feelings come from and it makes sense now...like you said, Luke: "Even though I don't really have any reason to think she isn't good for our 2nd son, I'm still scared that it will be DIL 2.0 messing things up more." We sense that inconceivable pattern happening all over again.
It's also interesting the dynamics it causes within families and siblings. Daughter #2 still hears from ES, but says that he's just being stupid (which is easy for her to say since she can talk with him anytime she or he wants...) Daughter #1 is more considerate of my feelings - Daughter #3 just ignores the whole situation. Mom (me) has to be careful what she says to each child...sigh.
Yes, Luke, quietness and trust is our strength. Trust is an anchor to my incomplete soul. God will work it all out...somehow, some way, some time....I am certain of that for each of us. However, God's way of "working it out" may look different than what we want...God bless us all.

lindajoan
Forum Admininistrators

Posts: 504

Estrangement Dragging Down What Should Be a Joyful Time Dec 26, 2017 22:57:32 GMT via mobile

Quote

Post by lindajoan on Dec 26, 2017 22:57:32 GMT

Luke, I am praying that this will be a time that the Lord is very near to you. It is special that your son will have the wedding near you. Keeping this in prayer. May God bless you and your dear family with His joy and peace as the wedding is being planned.

luke2231
LindaJoan's Assistants

Posts: 342

Estrangement Dragging Down What Should Be a Joyful Time Jan 1, 2018 16:29:13 GMT

Quote

Post by luke2231 on Jan 1, 2018 16:29:13 GMT

Thank you all for your wisdom and understanding! I - as I sometimes tend to do - make a mountain out of a molehill... Add to that I had a reaction to some steroids given for poison ivy, ending up in the ER and operating on 5 nights of about 1 hour of sleep, so I maybe went into a bit of a tailspin, to put it mildly.

Lack of contact with our ES is definitely weighing on me, but Jeepgirl, you are so right that I need to stop thinking about what could go wrong and focus on what is good and right instead! As I mentioned, I really have no reason to think the soon-to-be bride has "evil designs" against us, or me, more particularly. Nothing to this point has given me any indication that this would be the case. You're also right that weddings are stressful in the best of circumstances and I'm overthinking the "what-if's" to the point that I'm not focusing on the most important thing - our son's happiness. I was talking to a friend the other day and she commented that underneath it all, I probably was somewhat grieving, because now I won't be the first woman in my son's life anymore. There are so many underlying dynamics at work, estrangement and not, like you say, everloving, that no wonder Satan is attacking my thoughts!

I recognize that I have had some part to play in our son's estrangement, however, unlike you, Jeep, I haven't spoken my mind enough! I believe that this has lead to people tip-toeing around wondering if they've hurt my feelings or can never measure up. This is a pattern I'm familiar with, having learned from my parents. I often feel that if I let someone know what I need or want, they won't love me. I felt I needed to express our reservations to our ES about his then-girlfriend - one of the few times I let my true thoughts be known - and look where it led. However, it doesn't mean that it didn't need to be said. I might not have said it in the right way (That's a thing - learning to speak the truth in love so that it will be received in love!) but perhaps on some level, he needed to hear it anyway.

Thank you for that verse. I pretty much have the quietness thing going for me, I just need to work on the trust portion!!! The other day, our son, the groom, asked me if I would be mad if they did a certain thing at their wedding; it was really insignificant in the whole scheme of things, so I replied that all that really mattered was that the two of them agreed on it. The relief in our son's voice was almost palpable. I realized that I needed more of that kind of thinking and speaking and less of the the "world is going to end tomorrow" kind!

Lindajoan, I appreciate your prayers for peace and God's nearness; I feel them! I am so very thankful for each of your measured and sage responses. I can't tell you just how much it means to me to have such kind and understanding prayer warriors in my corner! You're right, everloving, in that it will work out somehow. How? Who knows, but it will be better than anything I could have planned. Thank you guys - I'll keep you posted on how things go!!!

Much love and Happy 2018!

JeepGirl
Senior Member

Posts: 328

Estrangement Dragging Down What Should Be a Joyful Time Jan 2, 2018 5:27:49 GMT

Quote

Post by JeepGirl on Jan 2, 2018 5:27:49 GMT

Luke, After reading your recent reply, I felt such an agape love for you. I am a sinner like everyone else and I certainly don't have any magical words to make things right for any of us but, when you first created this thread, I just felt you were stressed out and just not yourself. I have been there and I have worried about things and even made up scenarios that usually did not happen. So, I replied as I did and prayed you would not be offended by my words but that you would understand I was simply sharing where I have been.

And, of course, I love you too, Linda. Your sweet, Godly replies are always just so perfect and healing. Isn't it wonderful how God uses each of us and our different personalities to minister to one another?

And, everyloving....perfect name/avatar for you. You always seem to carefully analyze our posts, always in love, and then you give out so much wisdom.

And there are other special members here who may not post or reply as frequently as some of us but, when they do, it is obvious God is working through them as they also pour out their wisdom, concern and love to us.

Praying that the Lord will continue to be present in each of our lives, that He will continue to encourage us through this site and use it as a means to speak to our hurting hearts and help us to trust that He is with us through it all. Blessings sent out to everyone....