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Post by JeepGirl on Nov 14, 2017 4:36:30 GMT
Lately, I have been thinking about trying again to communicate with my es. I also realize my feelings are being prompted by the upcoming holidays. But I need to keep in mind that when I last attempted to communicate with him, I was greeted with unbelievable anger, hatred and disrespect. So much so, that a counselor warned me against trying again, for my own safety. With all that has happened in our country recently, I actually think my es could be capable of doing the unimaginable.
Of course I know better than trying to contact es, but thinking of a way through grands. My only ounce of encouragement is my dd had said that my diL told her she had no problem with her kids seeing me. That sounded like a ray of hope but, my es is the controller and "gatekeeper". Just pondering possibilities.
Are any of you thinking of trying to connect with your ec this holiday season?
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Post by luke2231 on Nov 14, 2017 19:07:59 GMT
Hmmm... Jeep,
I absolutely think about contacting my ES ALL. THE. TIME. As a matter of fact, I reach out to him every 5 or 6 months, via email. I read an article by a psychologist in the UK (I think) who primarily dealt with estrangements. I wish I could find it to post here, but I've spent way too long looking for it to no avail. Anyway, she said that in talking to kids who'd estranged, and then reunited at some point, small, non-threatening letters or emails meant a great deal to those kids. She included an example letter from a mom to a daughter that talked about gardening, how the flowers reminded the mother of the time the daughter did ___________, etc... How the smell of impending snow reminded her how much joy the daughter had making snowmen when she was young. She could just see her rosy cheeks as she came inside for hot chocolate after. Those kinds of things.
But that's just one mental health professional dishing out advice in a sea of mental health professionals dishing out advice. However, it resonated with me. So every few months I send my son a short email, letting him know some family news (your cousin's getting married next summer, your aunt and uncle moved out of state, no, the house still hasn't sold) and also some things that bring me fond memories of him (I heard the song you practiced a gazillion times for your piano recital and I can still remember your persistence getting it right, and the memories of how the house was filled with such beautiful music made me smile. I went through some books to donate to the library and found the pop-up dinosaur book you bought at the museum when you were 7. Boy, you were crazy about dinosaurs!)
He's never responded, but I do it on occasion - it's never forced, but when I truly am thinking good thoughts about him - because I want him to remember that life WAS good in our home and love WAS and IS still present. I don't know if he'll ever reply, sadly. I know he's walked away from Christ, but he knows all about the prodigal son. Despite whatever is going on his life, I want to be the kind of parent that drops everything and runs to him if he ever comes back. I may or may be wrong about that, but this is what I do.
For your situation, it does sound positive that your DIL isn't opposed to the kids seeing you. Without involving your daughter and putting her in the middle, is it possible you could reach out to your DIL? Do you have any way of contacting her to see if you might be able to at least take the GK's out for dinner or have them, and you DD's kids over for a few hours? All the cousins together, which would put less pressure on your son's kids to be with you?
As far as your ES goes, how long ago was it that you contacted him? What are you thinking as far as contacting him? Calling? Email? Sending a card? If you do, I would be as generic as possible and keep all emotion out of anything you say or do.
I'll pray for you. And for all of us.
Hugs...
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Post by renate9 on Nov 14, 2017 23:17:45 GMT
I think about contacting her all the time but I have no way to do so.
All I have is her mailing address. She changed phones and email address.
She said not to contact her in any way.
I have an emergency phone # I can call if it is truly an emergency. Like if we die the one remaining should let her know. That's all.
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Post by JeepGirl on Nov 15, 2017 0:48:34 GMT
Oh renate9, Estrangement is so horrible. My es probably feels the same way....someone can call if I die. It is hard to remember we had an entire life with these kids, raising them, protecting them, playing with them, and all the rest that goes along with parenthood. I can understand people disagreeing, getting upset with each other and even staying away for a little while, but I don't understand anything justifying the behavior of some of our adult children.
I am thinking that your estrangement may be somewhat new? If so, you do have her mailing address and, after some time, you could always send a card or note similar to what Luke was talking about.
Luke, that was such good advice. I have heard a lot of suggestions but have not heard of just a simple, no pressure, no expectation, e-mail. I especially like the idea of bringing up a good memory of their past. Thank you for sharing that.
Also, it is ironic that you mentioned my dil. Tomorrow and Thursday, I am subbing in the school where she works in the cafeteria. I don't know if I will have a lunch duty but I will pray about what you said. If God leads me and gives me an opportunity, I might try. But I really have to be prayed up for this. Your post was so sweet and I am sure, in spite of not receiving a reply, your es has been touched by each communication and, especially, that you are not pressuring him in any way.
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Post by renate9 on Nov 15, 2017 1:44:23 GMT
She gave me her postal address with the stipulation that I was not to send her any mail except emergency mail. I was told not
to "abuse" the postal address or she would change that too. She said she had "boundaries" that I am to respect.
I don't send her any mail. I hate the word boundaries and enmeshment.
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rose
New Member
Posts: 24
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Post by rose on Dec 7, 2017 3:37:02 GMT
I am new to this, but yes! My son requested no contact almost one year ago. I have complied even though it is hard. I feel like I have found a place where there are people who will understand the pain of this. I struggle constantly with sending a letter that says I understand that I have hurt him deeply, that my failure to understand how is my shortcoming, and that I love and miss him. I know this would be a violation of the non contact request. On tne other hand maybe he interprets my silence as evidence that I don't care. I pray for wisdom but I feel stupid.
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Post by everloving11 on Dec 7, 2017 13:34:46 GMT
Oh Rose, the feelings and thoughts you are experiencing are normal. The fact is, your ES has chosen not to care --- not to open up lines of communication is saying, "I don't want this fixed - I want to wallow in my own self-righteous despair." Meanwhile, you can love, forgive, and accept him as a person God loves from afar ~ and you can take comfort in knowing that God, our mutual heavenly Father, loves him more than you do and is persistent in reaching out as the perfect Parent. By the way, YOU are NOT stupid. You reaching out to a group such as this says, "I cannot do this alone ~ I need the fellowship of like-minded believers who understand." God bless us all -- everyone. (Tiny Tim)
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Post by lindajoan on Dec 7, 2017 22:54:13 GMT
I agree with everloving in my situation. The Lord has not led to contact our ED. Of course, every one here has a different situation. We certainly all understand and keep each other in prayer.
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Post by renate9 on Dec 10, 2017 19:52:47 GMT
I tried to reconcile with ED. She said we would have a reconciliation when she was good and ready and not before. At this time of year, hearing goodwill wishes at church and in the preaching, it makes me want to try some more but have to wait until she is "good and ready."
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Post by everloving11 on Dec 10, 2017 21:24:04 GMT
Have to laugh renate9...there's more truth to that statement "good and ready" than she understands. She certainly won't be ready until she is good and she won't be good until she rests completely in God. I have learned that forgiveness can be one-sided (and greatly benefits the one who is doing the forgiving) but reconciliation has to be both ways ~~~ forgiveness always proceeds reconciliation. ED is certainly not ready for the process of reconciliation. We as believers have been given the ministry of reconciliation --- notice that it doesn't work unless we first accept the forgiveness God extended to us through His Son on the cross. I know I'm "preaching to the choir" but I sometimes need to sing it to myself to be reminded of the true business I'm in. When I extend forgiveness and see it through to reconciliation with my students, friends, other family members, and co-workers I am, in a sense, preparing the way to do it with my own dear ES. Perhaps practicing this with others is the truest Christmas gift I am able to give my EC this season...perhaps?
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Post by JeepGirl on Dec 11, 2017 4:22:02 GMT
You are such a blessing, everloving and so wise.
I had thought of approaching my dil this past month when I am subbing in the same school as her; however, I have asked the Lord for guidance and I haven't felt His leading to go for it. Instead, since I spoke to my daughter this evening about all of them on a mini-vacation together with my ex, I am not interested in reaching out to her. And, ironically, I just took a job for tomorrow in the school she works in. So funny, earlier this month, I felt encouraged to possibly approach her and ask if I could see my grands. But, after talking to my dd and and no words of encouragement to go forward with dil, was a sign to just keep away. If anyone wants to see me, I am here. They told me to leave them alone. I have to respect that and not feel guilty or think about what will they think of me if I make no attempt. I need to stop that and accept what is. It truly has to be God's leading and timing, not mine.
We all have so many emotions going on this time of year and I know I have to direct mine toward what is "...true...noble...just...pure...lovely...of good report...praiseworthy and to meditate on these things." Phil 4:8.
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Post by lindajoan on Dec 11, 2017 19:04:40 GMT
Jeep girl, I agree with you about waiting on the Lord's leading.
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Post by everloving11 on Dec 12, 2017 3:22:26 GMT
Amen, JeepGirl ~ Philippians 4:8 is a sure standard for our thought lives. The areas we are tempted most in are out of love for our children...yet we cannot allow those feelings (which are good) to overshadow the love we have for God. After all, it was Adam's love for Eve (a God-given thing) that got in the way of his love for God. It's difficult to stay strong this time of year, but - like you said - our ES children know where we are and they can contact us whenever.
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Post by renate9 on Dec 20, 2017 1:36:57 GMT
My Ed is going to have a birthday soon. I want to call her. I have her emergency phone number. She said I was to use this # only in a real emergency.
Like my death or her dad's death. I want to call her terribly badly for her bd but I guess I can't. It is just tearing me up not to call her. She said if I abused this line
that she would take that away too.
Just wanted to vent. I know others on this forum know how it is.
So I have to go now and live my life. Have fun and enjoy life, the new normal.
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Post by luke2231 on Dec 20, 2017 1:51:41 GMT
I know. My non ES son is getting married in a couple months. I think my ES needs a straight up tongue lashing on the value of family, but I'm not going to contact him. I think he already hurts enough; he doesn't need me to remind him of his shortcomings. He's quite aware of his own hurt, just not everyone else's. One day though, I believe, he will regret his treatment of us. I firmly believe that. And I think your daughter will too. Sending hugs to you Renate!
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