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Post by JeepGirl on Nov 13, 2017 4:16:10 GMT
We have discussed the pitfalls of social media many times on different estrangement sites but I still fell prey to it. I am on FB but I never "friended" my dd or grands, or my brother or my dh's adult kids, although a few have asked to be "friended". My reason, as you probably can guess, is that I do not want to see pictures of my estranged son or the estranged grands, or of my ex and others spending time with my estranged family.
I know there are some estranged parents who feel FB allows them to see pics of their grands, especially the ones they never met. But, for me, it is way too painful. And I understand that we each have different perspectives and need to do what is best for us, personally.
Well, I do have instagram on my cell and only have my dd and grands on it. Neither my dd or grands have ever put a pic of me with them on instagram, even though I had my gd one day a week this past summer and took her, sometimes her friend, and one of my grandsons all over. We went to the beach, lunch, shopping, movies, my house with horses, boat ride and just lots of special places. And although we took lots of pics, not one made their instagram. Also, all through my 3 grands elementary school days, I was on the PTA, served at school ice cream socials, helped during class parties and participated in all three of their 5th grade graduations, which was a huge event.
Today, I received a notice I had a new picture on instagram. There was a picture of my granddaughter and her grandfather (my ex) sitting together in her Middle School for a Veterans Day event. Of course, no one told me about the event and that my ex would be there. And, it wasn't the fact that he went with her, it was, as always, the secretiveness(sp) and most of all, that it was on social media and, for some reason, my dd and gd never chose to post a picture of me. My brother told me it was also posted on FB.
I know most of you will be more objective and see this from a different perspective and think I was overly sensitive. And you are probably right. But, if I stayed totally away from FB, etc. some of this hurt could be eliminated. I just needed to vent. |
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Post by byhisgracealone on Nov 14, 2017 1:03:07 GMT
Jeepgirl, please don't be hard on yourself. It's tempting for most of us to check FB and social media to see if we can catch a glimpse of our EC and GC. I've opted out only so I could try and avoid the painful experience you've just had.
It stings to see your ex with your GC, I understand. I've seen a few pictures of my ex with my GC that someone sent in the mail, and it was hurtful. It's definitely more peaceful personally for me to avoid sites like FB, so I don't risk seeing things I've been left out of.
I pray The Lord helps all of us heal from the emotional wounds our estranged children and former spouses have caused.
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Post by everloving11 on Nov 15, 2017 13:52:04 GMT
Having been 'unfriended' from all their Facebook accounts and not being able to see the two grandchildren at all (one of whom I've never met) is so hard. Just a glimpse every few months would be blessing enough for me. They're still my beloved grandchildren and I care about them...and my arms ache to hug them. Big sigh.......
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Post by givingupcontrol on Nov 17, 2017 1:50:38 GMT
Dear Jeep Girl, So sorry for your pain. I highly recommend getting off all social media for many reasons- especially during estrangement. There are so many opportunities for hurt and envy by looking at it- "unfriending", being left out of pictures and events, watching others' lives look perfect (when they're not), and the list goes on and on. If you are serious about living the productive, healthy and meaningful life that God has in store for all who seek Him, you will cut off all that isn't bearing fruit in your life.
As difficult as it is, try to invest in others - even if it's just in small ways, and it is very therapeutic. Take a widow a piece of cake, call a friend who is lonely, keep the nursery at church (they always need help!), and your focus will get on something else. Do not allow your EC to control your joy and all the wonderful ways God can use you in others' lives!
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Post by luke2231 on Nov 17, 2017 15:55:03 GMT
JeepGirl,
I think it's totally normal to want to see something about their lives, as long as it doesn't border on stalking, lol. But, I don't think you were doing that. On occasion, I'll check my son's Instagram account just to make sure he's alive. He hasn't made it private, so I don't think he knows I can see, so maybe I AM a stalker, haha.
Anyway, I get the sadness in the face of secretiveness. We all want to be recognized, appreciated and included. I agree with givingupcontrol - find a place where those things manifest themselves, even if it's not your own blood family. Harsh, I know, but don't stay mired in the things that keep you focused on what's wrong. Even virtually, I know you have a heart for those that are hurting and need Him. Your kids may be hurting and need Him, but they aren't in a place to HEAR that right now. Find someone who does hear.
Please know that I don't have it all figured out, and I still have bad days - very bad days! But when you feel that you're not appreciated, recognized or included, know that you are here!!! We value your insights more than you can fathom.
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Post by JeepGirl on Nov 17, 2017 23:35:43 GMT
Givingupcontrol, Welcome to our site. It is a wonderful place and although we share some of our most intimate feelings and make ourselves vulnerable to each other, it has always been a safe place and a place where we can receive wise and Godly counsel and best of all, lots of prayer.
I don't know if you are new in this world of estrangement or if you have been on this journey for some time, but there are other estrangement sites on the internet and it has been a long time since I visited any of them. But I found, although they often have more posts and activity, they also have more drama and lots of differences. What is special here, is that we are like-minded Christian sisters and ultimately, we know God is in control and that HE loves us and our ec and does hear our prayers. So, again, welcome and please continue to share.
With regard to my post, I am already over it. (well, almost) I just was in one of those moods and just sharing. Just glad, that I came here and talked with my hubby and didn't share my feelings with my daughter. One good thing about being estranged for a while is that we learn from our past mistakes. I am much quieter with my dd than I was years ago. I learned our adult children don't understand many of our feelings and they are really in another world. At this point in my life, I choose "peace" over an argument. But it doesn't mean our emotions don't get the best of us at times.
And you are absolutely correct about social media. You may not have read the beginning of my post clearly. I totally agree with you and have stayed off of FB for years for the reasons you mentioned. In fact, although I am on FB, I keep my "friend" list to a minimum and mostly my church friends and work friends. I mentioned in my post that I don't 'friend' my dd or my brother or my dh's kids although I have good relationships with them. I explained to each of them that if I went on their sites, I would see pics and info about my es and family and I choose not to. My 11-yr old granddaughter put instagram on my cell and I only have dd and her family on there and until the pic of my ex, all pics were of my daughter's 3 kids and their sporting events, etc. But, after seeing my ex, I am closing instagram.
I also agree with you regarding doing things for others. I still work part time....substitute teach in middle school and in the summer work in a Christian gift and book shop in a Christian beach town. My husband and I have a youth ranch ministry where we use equine therapy to help troubled youth and it is totally free of charge. Our support came from our personal incomes and some donations. We have seen God change lives by simply being around horses. Unfortunately, we recently decided that we need to sell our home, which includes the ministry. The saddles have become heavier as we have gotten older and it is just time to downsize. We are praying for a Christian couple to buy it and take over the 501c3. Also, I am a volunteer Advocate for the State Ombudsman's office. I have a nursing home I am responsible for and my job is to visit at least once a week, meet with the residents and make certain there is no abuse, and that the residents are as comfortable as possible and are aware of their rights. I am also involved with the prison ministry in my church and go to a women's Bible study. Hubby and I used to lead home groups and did a lot more but, again, as we get older, I find I enjoy just attending rather then leading. But, I still enjoy "mentoring" younger women and new Believers. Also, my labbie is a therapy dog and I have visited hospice patients and schools
with him (Boaz "Bo").
I have been blessed beyond words as I serve others and I love the Lord and have a strong faith. However, I have found that nothing replaces the empty space which was once filled with my es and grands. We can get through each day and have others in our lives, including kids, a loving husband, other family members and friends but, for me, no one can replace the empty space left by my es and grandchildren. I have put it all in God' hands and I pray daily for them and for reconciliation. Blessings and prayers..........
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