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Post by JeepGirl on Oct 25, 2017 0:37:54 GMT
I am just curious if anyone has any difficulty with their non-estranged adult children. I love my dd but we have always had a "sensitive" relationship. I thought once the teen years were over, it would get better but as life goes on, I discover that our relationship is still delicate and I still have to walk on eggshells in order to keep our relationship intact. I do it because I don't want another estrangement.
I have learned a lot in these 8 years of estrangement and, honestly, I have recognized some of the areas where I contributed to the estrangement with my son and I have tried to correct those areas in my relationship with my dd. For one thing, I am a lot quieter and I think more before I speak. But, I also feel like, at times, she borders disrespect. This past weekend she got upset with me because I yelled/cheered for my grandson. I admit I was over zealous and cheered at the wrong time. I yelled "great kick" and, although it did start out as a great kick, it ended up out of bounds. My dd was so upset and could not believe I did that. She said I was "loud and obnoxious". The quarterback's mom came by me and said, "It was a good kick and he is your grandson".
The rest of the day was not good and I tried to explain that I just love the kids so much and I certainly don't want to embarrass anyone and said, if anyone was embarrassed, it was me. I continued to defend my actions, which I haven't done in a while but, "loud and obnoxious" just got to me. Anyway, she didn't get it. Then I got so fearful that she wouldn't talk to me anymore, I wouldn't see these grands, and I would be in another estrangement. I did call her the next day and although I didn't want to, my dh asked me if it would be worth it to not talk to her and possibly not see the kids?
I am not sure if I learned from my estrangement or if it has turned me into someone who will take disrespect because of fearing another one. |
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Post by byhisgracealone on Oct 25, 2017 2:00:25 GMT
Jeepgirl, I think in your last sentence, it's the latter. I think maybe that's a side effect of estrangement. I'm guilty of the same thing. Things I would mention to my son, I keep to myself, so I don't risk losing another child. I don't really think he would ever walk away from me, but it's always in the back of my mind. Being the parent of an estranged child is probably the most surreal place to be, since it does effect who we are (at least with me,) with all our children.
I'm sorry your dd overreacted that way. It was sweet for you to encourage your grandson.
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Post by 1hurtmom on Oct 25, 2017 11:30:13 GMT
@jeepgirl
That's a tough situation walking in fear in any relationship. I don't think you should apologize for being a loving, caring, supportive grandmother. I am sure you are not the first grandmother who cheered not knowing it was a bad kick till after the fact, it's really not a big deal.
Hey your kid should be glad it's not me in the crowd bc I was a cheerleader in hs. So if I ever have grandkids and see them I'm going to have pom poms - signs - glitter you name it. I'm going to be the loudest obnoxious most cheering fan they have!! Just saying ☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺
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Post by everloving11 on Oct 25, 2017 12:36:27 GMT
Oh, jeepgirl, I am so sorry for the misunderstandings. So often motives are misconstrued and feelings are hurt over NOTHING. I am loud and obnoxious ~ enthusiasm makes me forget about myself and focus on the joys and blessings. You cannot force others to understand. Try to let their reactions pass and don't get caught up in silly drama. If anything, I have learned to apologize for the misunderstanding in this way, "Oh, I am so sorry for the misunderstanding. Please forgive me." It doesn't admit fault but it does diffuse the situation. I'll be praying.
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Post by lindajoan on Oct 25, 2017 17:57:09 GMT
Jeep, you are a wonderful grandmother.
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Post by luke2231 on Oct 25, 2017 18:48:58 GMT
Jeepgirl,
I completely understand the fears of saying or doing something perceived as "wrong" by your other children. While I don't think I walk on eggshells with my other children, I agree with byhisgrace in that it's always in the back of your mind, thinking your actions could cause another estrangement. In some ways though, for me, that back-of-my-mind thing has helped me set some boundaries, mostly for me! Like you, I tend to keep some things I might have said to myself now.
I don't think you cheering for your grandson is a boundary thing, although how your daughter treated it may make it feel like that. The more I delve into what I'm responsible for in any relationship, etc..., the more I learn that usually, when someone "sounds off" it's because they're feeling anxious about something in their own life and it can be set off by virtually anything. Perhaps your daughter is uneasy having attention drawn to her for some reason and since you were "loud and obnoxious" next to her, it made her uncomfortable? The fact that the quarterback's mom made a point to say something to you tells me you weren't the only one who picked up on your daughter's behavior. Just a theory.... ;-) Anyway, I think that everyone - myself included - is often focused on their own cares and woes that, like everloving says, we don't realize how our word and actions can affect others; your daughter likely snapped at you because of something else going on within her. And you're over-defending yourself because of your fears of being estranged by her as well. Does that make sense?
But, yes, to answer your question. The estrangement from our son colors almost every other relationship in my life. I don't know if it's for the better or worse, but I do know that God is using it to refine me and draw me closer to Him. I know it's the same for you JeepGirl! Praying that you have wisdom interacting with your daughter and her family in the near future, and that you can rest in knowing He is with you no matter what... Hugs!
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Post by JeepGirl on Oct 26, 2017 3:02:20 GMT
As always, you ladies are the BEST! Thank you for your replies. What is so great about sharing is that others can be more objective.
I think a lot is going on with my daughter but I don't know everything. This is her oldest son's senior year in high school and she has become very emotional thinking about him leaving for college. This is her first one, her baby(lol). She is now working five days a week and I believe that is stressing her with two in high school and one in middle school, no to mention all the financial concerns. Well, her oldest is getting the award for "Best Dressed". Need I say more? Thankfully, he is getting an academic and athletic scholarship but it still doesn't cover 100% of his tuition. I am so thankful I am not a young parent anymore. I really don't know how these younger people are surviving with the cost of things these days....the food bills alone are astronomical. Two teenage boys? And I won't even address the moral and ethical issues parents have to deal with these days.
I got off track, sorry. Just wanted to thank each of you for your responses to my post. Always so supportive. |
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Post by difficulttime2 on Oct 26, 2017 22:17:45 GMT
I do have some issues with my non-estranged 22 year old who still lives at home, sometimes. Particularly in the early years of estrangement with my ED, I was afraid of another estrangement, however that underlying fear created its own issues with my non estranged son ... once he sensed that fear in me, he'd try to run over me like a freight train!
I came to realize that in dealing him with any fear of estrangement ... I was really just affirming his disrespect. For the most part I have stopped letting my fears of estrangement dictate how I navigate my relationship with my son.
Fear has reared its ugly head so many times, and it always bites me when I allow it to take control. With my son, it seems things will go well for months and then he will have to test me to see where my boundaries are ... again ... it's exhausting!
I try to use humor ... for example, he loves to sort of take my inventory or be critical ... so I might say something like "How great thou art" sort of tongue in cheek to get across that he isn't now nor ever will be the Messiah!
Sadly, I find many times that I need to get tough and say that I will not tolerate his disrespect, eye rolling or whatever.
You know, I was studying Noah and I had a thought about the son who made fun of Noah vs. the sons who had such respect for their father than they walked in backwards to cover their father's nakedness. It's that same eye rolling, embarrassment, and lack of honor and respect our non estranged kids show us way too many times. God didn't take that 'attitude' lightly in the days of Noah, and certainly does not take it lightly now. Our kids, saved or not saved, just don't get it and it's pretty heavy stuff ... for them!
So, although it's tough on us when we endure our kids ridicule or disrespect, eye rolling and the like ... I like to remember to pray even harder for our kids because they aren't thinking about how offensive those actions are to the Sovereign God we serve, the Almighty.
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Post by renate9 on Oct 27, 2017 1:33:15 GMT
I feel fearful of another estrangement too. My sister won't speak to me either. So it's my ED and my sister. It's really hard to take. So I know how you feel fearful of another estrangement. I hang back and don't say much, most of the time, fearful I will set off yet another person.
We have been invited to my step son's place for Thanksgiving. He is a really nice person, his wife is a little scratchy. I don't know if I really want to go see them. Even in my job I used to be more outgoing. Now not so much. Basically because I don't know what I have done to make these people reject me. I am really a nice person who wouldn't hurt anybody and have tried not to all my life. I thought I was a good mother, really tried hard to be.
You were just being enthusiastic when you cheered for you grandson. Your dd seems like too sensitive.
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Post by JeepGirl on Oct 29, 2017 18:20:05 GMT
Well, last night another football game. My dh was sick and couldn't go. The whole evening was just different for me than when this season started. My daughter was even trying to be nice and include me. At one point, my grandson kicked a field goal and I was happy for him but I just didn't cheer or jump up and, truthfully, really had no desire to. My dd said, "I bet it is hard for you right now." And I replied, "No, not really." And all was okay. Her remarks at the last game just took something out of me. How foolish this generation is. I am pretty sure someday they will all look back and recognize the hurtful things they said and did to us. My prayer is, that if and when they do, we would have left a Godly legacy and though they may be sad and repentant, they will know God’s forgiveness and mercy.
But, if I lost some enthusiasm for cheering at grand's football game, I gained enthusiasm with a new-found Christian friend from our church. We spent three hours at a coffee shop talking, sharing and ending with agreeing to do a devotional together and praying for our husbands and families. I am also having breakfast next week with two women I worked with all summer at the Christian Gift and Book store. My point being, I won't allow the enemy to rob God's joy from me and I need to keep “moving forward” as we always say and it may mean I may have to make the effort...initiate the call, set a date, make the plan, whatever. I believe God will honor us as we extend His love to others.
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Post by luke2231 on Oct 29, 2017 18:44:22 GMT
Good for you, Jeep! I'm glad you've found a new friend. There's something wonderful about being able to share our hearts with other "kindred spirits" as Anne Shirley would say. I think I told you that I had some time with a dear friend of mine who is semi-estranged from her oldest, and there is a kind of lightness that comes from being able to be vulnerable with someone and feel accepted and LOVED despite the messiness of our situations!
I do think it was nice that your daughter noticed YOU for a change, and was concerned about you as well. Your answer, "No, not really," illustrates the point I want to make next though... I honestly think - and you may all disagree - but our kids don't really want to hear about all the trials and tribulations in our lives. They'd rather hear that we're okay. And I don't think their generation is the first to feel that way; I think we did it to our parents and they did it to theirs and so on. I was always more interested in sharing wonderful me (kind of lots of sarcasm here, but then again, maybe not!) than in hearing all the garbage that was going on in my mom's life. And judging from the conversations she had with my grandmother, and my grandmother with my great-grandmother, that's just the way it was. But I have a theory that this is in part because as a younger generation, when we struggle with the inevitable circumstances that sidetrack our best lives, we WANT AND NEED reassurance from our parents that things are going to somehow be okay. In a way, we're still looking to them to show us that we CAN get through the difficult times. Does that make sense?
Our kids may not need or want our (unsolicited) advice, but they still are looking to us as to how to live without collapsing into a pool of tears on the floor day after day. I'm pretty sure I'm more interested in my own life - still - than in my mom's, which is natural, because I'm living mine and not hers. It doesn't mean I don't care about her; I'm just more absorbed in my own day-to-day. I think it's the same for our own kids. We've done all the late night diaper changes, teaching kids how to drive, advice-giving for 1st crushes and break-ups, and then the letting go of those kids as they've gone out on their own. Our kids have never done these, so of course, they're constantly trying to figure it out. Ditto for us as we learn how to let them figure it out! And our parents, if we're still lucky to have them, are trying to figure out aging and end of life matters without the benefit of THEIR parents, so they're struggling too.
Long story short, I think all of us have imperfect lives and handle those lives imperfectly too. I feel sorry for our kids, but I don't doubt that our parents felt the same about us. Life is HARD no matter who you are and what stage of life you're in! We're all learning, we're all growing, we're all needing Him more than ever!
Hugs and prayers to each of you on this journey alongside me. I don't even think I was capable of thinking these thoughts if it hadn't been for this estrangement! Each of you challenges me and calls me deeper toward Him. Hugs and prayers to all of you lovely women!
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Post by JeepGirl on Oct 30, 2017 0:51:34 GMT
I like what you said Luke. And when I am not in the midst of an emotional situation, I totally agree. In fact, this morning I commented on my dd's kids and how they don't work and my dd and her hubby just give them money. Money, for gas, tolls, to go out, etc. The oldest had a job that he initially liked because it was in a soccer store (his passion) but then out of nowhere said his boss didn't like him and he quit. Wasn't interested in finding out what he might have done wrong to change his boss' opinion of him. Then his younger brother had a job as a "bus boy" in a really nice restaurant, where some other kids from his school worked, but he didn't like working on weekends, so he quit.
My dh's answer to both situations was, "The jobs cut into their personal lives." And then the bell went off. I said to dh, "How were we when we were 15 and 17?" I had some little jobs babysitting and then a part-time office job that I quit(lol). I didn't want any job to interfere with my free time. We so forget where we were and have these adult expectations of kids. And you are right, Luke. No matter how old our kids get, they want to feel a sense of security from us.
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Post by luke2231 on Oct 30, 2017 14:07:45 GMT
JeepGirl,
..."when I am not in the midst of an emotional situation" is it in a nutshell, isn't it? Estrangement can make us emotional and on occasion ;-), blow things out of proportion. At least, that's me to a "T"! It's really, really hard to take emotion out of the equation when we feel like a failure and fear even more failure.
You're awesome, by the way; present in your grandchildren's lives but not nosy about it! Have a great day!
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