Feelings
Oct 23, 2017 13:22:44 GMT
Post by 1hurtmom on Oct 23, 2017 13:22:44 GMT
Hello, everyone I wanted to share my feelings today. I wasn't able to log in for a few months so my post will be long. I apologize in advance. This is my safe place to vent so here it goes....
The update on my estrangement is nothing new. I have no news on where my EC lives but I know she is ok because of fb. I look once in a while and regret it every time. Last night was one of those times. I cried myself to sleep around 3:30 am.
Unfortunately it will be going on 8 years soon since my EC walked out of my life and stopped talking to me. I still have no idea what I did for this abandonment, rejection and unusual punishment. I have ideas who might be influencing her but ultimately I have no REAL reason on why she hates me. She has never said why. She just ran away and never looked back.
I feel like I am the walking dead going through life in a trance pretending everything is ok. Nothing can take the pain away. No amount of anything seems to work to take the pain away. Prayer dulls the pain and talking with a counselor annoys me b-c they can't say anything new. No one knows why? I don't know why I need to know why but I do. My mind can't wrap my head around why my EC would choose to ignore me when all I have ever done is loved and cared for her.
I go though life hurting inside so deeply wondering how I can grieve the loss of my child when she is alive and well. There is no closure. How can I accept this? There is no end. How will this turn out? I feel hopeless when the holidays come. It is so depressing watching all these families and watching my EC live out her life on social media without caring about her own mother. She threw me way like I was a piece of trash -- dispensable.
I did have a church I was going to but they basically were superficial and didn't want to hear about my estrangement and left hints I was to look for another church as my situation was way out of their league. I wasn't hurt I understood bc it is out of the churches league. I feel it's out of everyone's league bc who can know how to deal with estrangement when each situation is completely different.
I said to my husband last night I need a do over. I need to move and live somewhere else. This house reminds me of the family I use to have and it is too painful anymore. I find things to occupy my time and I am working to stay busy but ultimately it is always in the back of my mind.
Sure I can be happy and laugh. I can pretend everything is ok and normal for outward appearance but it is always there. It has no end. I hate this feeling of no closure. How can I close a chapter of my life that I have no control over bc my EC made that decision for the both of us without my consent?
There is nothing I can compare this crisis with in my life. Nothing at all. I am so sick of talking about my EC I stopped talking about it a long time ago. When my clients ask how my daughter is I say fine change the subject. Not a lot of people know anymore. I don't want anyone too. I can feel their judgements. People don't understand why I can't make my EC talk to me.
I have tried everything. I will post more later today...
The update on my estrangement is nothing new. I have no news on where my EC lives but I know she is ok because of fb. I look once in a while and regret it every time. Last night was one of those times. I cried myself to sleep around 3:30 am.
Unfortunately it will be going on 8 years soon since my EC walked out of my life and stopped talking to me. I still have no idea what I did for this abandonment, rejection and unusual punishment. I have ideas who might be influencing her but ultimately I have no REAL reason on why she hates me. She has never said why. She just ran away and never looked back.
I feel like I am the walking dead going through life in a trance pretending everything is ok. Nothing can take the pain away. No amount of anything seems to work to take the pain away. Prayer dulls the pain and talking with a counselor annoys me b-c they can't say anything new. No one knows why? I don't know why I need to know why but I do. My mind can't wrap my head around why my EC would choose to ignore me when all I have ever done is loved and cared for her.
I go though life hurting inside so deeply wondering how I can grieve the loss of my child when she is alive and well. There is no closure. How can I accept this? There is no end. How will this turn out? I feel hopeless when the holidays come. It is so depressing watching all these families and watching my EC live out her life on social media without caring about her own mother. She threw me way like I was a piece of trash -- dispensable.
I did have a church I was going to but they basically were superficial and didn't want to hear about my estrangement and left hints I was to look for another church as my situation was way out of their league. I wasn't hurt I understood bc it is out of the churches league. I feel it's out of everyone's league bc who can know how to deal with estrangement when each situation is completely different.
I said to my husband last night I need a do over. I need to move and live somewhere else. This house reminds me of the family I use to have and it is too painful anymore. I find things to occupy my time and I am working to stay busy but ultimately it is always in the back of my mind.
Sure I can be happy and laugh. I can pretend everything is ok and normal for outward appearance but it is always there. It has no end. I hate this feeling of no closure. How can I close a chapter of my life that I have no control over bc my EC made that decision for the both of us without my consent?
There is nothing I can compare this crisis with in my life. Nothing at all. I am so sick of talking about my EC I stopped talking about it a long time ago. When my clients ask how my daughter is I say fine change the subject. Not a lot of people know anymore. I don't want anyone too. I can feel their judgements. People don't understand why I can't make my EC talk to me.
I have tried everything. I will post more later today...